


The Little Things That Keep Us Going

by panda_bear21



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Babysitter Louis, Fluff, Inaccurate depiction of amnesia, Kid Fic, Kind of..., M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-21 07:37:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 46,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9538187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panda_bear21/pseuds/panda_bear21
Summary: Harry wakes up in the hospital, unable to remember his children’s first steps, their hugs, their stories.  Or the soft way their babysitter always used to smile and laugh with him.He knows he’s not recalling something important, alotof things that are important.  But he wants to know what they are so incredibly badly… wants to know why his heart is set ablaze, warm and fluttering, every time Louis looks at him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elizamackenzie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizamackenzie/gifts).



> This fic is dedicated to my best friend, roommate, and writing partner in crime [elizamackenzie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/elizamackenzie) for her 22nd birthday!!! I plan to update one chapter of fic every single day for the entirety of her birthday month of February! (Thank God February only has 28 days. ;D) And just as a disclaimer this is only going to happen if I hurry up and finish the other fics too……….. so if it doesn’t, you know why.
> 
> To my love: You know, I always start these fics with the best intentions, but somehow always end up missing the mark (i.e. it’s going to be another teenage rebellion, sigh)… Well, I hope you enjoy it in some small way anyways. It is definitely not as angsty as you were probably wanting, but I tried. Btw I lied about writing aliens this last month. I started writing this thing January 5th and finished it the 25th (not counting editing) and it was the freaking worst. I do not recommend. Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH! I love you so much!!!! <3
> 
> To my **readers** : I’ve never read an amnesia fic myself, so this is probably a mess... Enjoy! ^^  
> Also happy birthday to Harry Styles (I love you more than words could ever say).

He was golden.  Drops of rose petals leaving a soft complexion and sharp angles behind in their wake, a touch of honey across sun kissed skin.  His eyes were stars.  No.  They were brighter, sparkled lovelier than any star in the sky.  Blue and radiant in the hard luminescent light seeping in from the hall.  His expression was gaunt and Harry wondered if it was an angel who had come to see him, sad and weary of the task given to them.  He had a sleeping boy wrapped protectively in his arms, who snuffled into his neck when he pulled him closer into his embrace.

The man cleared his throat, strikingly weak, and when Harry looked back towards his gaze, he waited.  For the angel to speak.

His voice was thin and delicate.  He had heard it before, he thought, when he had been somewhere… Sleeping maybe, his head throbbed momentarily.

“You’re awake.”  It was a question, with a hint of disbelief in his tone. 

He stepped forward and Harry felt his throat close up on a response.  Scratchy and dry.  He slowly-- could only move slowly-- looked down at the blonde girl beside him, that he’d first noticed when he’d woken up, her sweet sleeping face.  “Is she yours?”

The angel’s eyes grew wet then, as he blinked away.  Harry immediately wanted to apologize for upsetting him, felt a constricting motion in his chest.  He didn’t want him to leave, the worry that he would circulating through his veins.

Harry visibly relaxed when the man stepped closer instead, moved closer and closer until he stood beside them at the bed.  If Harry had the strength, the courage, he would have reached out to touch him.  To see if he was as real as Harry hoped he was.

The man shook his head, looking down at the girl and running a hand affectionately through her hair, over one of her pigtails.  “No…”  He did not look back at Harry, when he spoke again, “They’re yours…”

Harry tried to understand, only then realizing there was a tinny beeping noise coming from the machine beside him.  Speeding up.  He looked around then, eyes zeroing in on the white papery thin blankets, the needle in his arm, and the cuts and scratches snaking up his arm beneath the patient gown he was wearing.  The monitor sped up again until he felt warm fingers pressing down against his wrist, the one where his veins showed clear through pale skin.

The man’s thumb ran soothingly across his pulse, “Harry—” He broke off his words, looking away in defeat, in indescribable concern, before he was turning back and biting across his pink lower lip for just a second, “Let me get the nurse.”

Harry wasn’t fast enough to reach up and hold the angel still, keep him there.  He just watched as he moved out of the room, boy still in his arms.  Harry didn’t know what was happening, his head pounding extra hard when he tried recalling why he was there, what it meant when the man had said the children were his.  The beeping was growing faster again, the sound of his breathing sounded off, ragged.  The noise, the movement as Harry tried pressing his palms into his temples must have woken up the girl.

Her sleepy eyes opened and she immediately lit up when she saw Harry, before realizing something wasn’t right.  “Daddy…?”  Harry’s chest constricted and he looked away from her, trying to take in a breath.  The nurse came running in a moment later, the man behind her.  The toddler in his arms had woken up, jostled from his sleep.  “Daddy?”  The girl asked him again.

The angel spoke, near the foot of the bed, “Laura, sweetie, come here.”

The nurse was adding something to the tube connected to his arm.  She was telling him something, or trying to calm him down.  He wasn’t listening, couldn’t listen when the girl was still looking up at him, eyes wide and unsure.  As if she had the entire world weighing her shoulders down.

The man neared again, grabbing her hand to guide her away so that the nurse could do her job.  Harry was starting to feel drowsy, the weight of everything, of what the nurse likely gave him, causing his eyes to weigh heavy.  He blinked, could feel himself being settled back against the bed and he couldn’t make himself think anymore, as the darkness settled once more over him.

 

The second time he awoke, his mother was there.  He looked around, after a moment of reorienting himself, to see if the man and the children that had been with him were there.

He wondered if he had dreamt it all up.  It had seemed surreal enough.  His mother put a cool hand to his cheek, “Harry?”

He looked to her calming blue eyes.  They didn’t seem to calm him enough.  His throat was scratchy still.  She gave him a glass of water which he took gratefully.  Asking after a few sips, “What happened?”

Her thumb soothed over his cheek, her eyes searching his as if she had been the one to ask the question.  She pulled him closer to wrap an arm around his shoulders, “Oh baby, you were in an accident.”  Her voice shook slightly, like she were about to cry, and Harry reached up to hug her back, as if that could ground her.  “It was a car accident.  I got here as soon as I could.”

Harry blinked, “How long has it been?”  He pulled back to place the empty plastic cup down on the side table.  His arms felt weak.

“Only a few days…”  He processed her words, registering how very stiff his muscles were.  He ached all over and shifted slightly, trying to stretch.  He pointed his toes beneath the sheets, noting he wasn’t wearing any socks.  Rolling his shoulders back next, a twinge making him stop that endeavor rather quickly.

When he paused his movements, he recalled what the angel-- the man, his brain retrospectively corrected-- had told him the previous day.  His stomach rolling immediately as he turned to face his mom.  “Mom… there was a man here… with two children?”

Harry’s question was answered in her gaze, after his words clicked in her mind.  The way she rubbed over the back of his hand, comforting and pitying.  He felt his throat tightening again, as he asked, “Are they mine?”  His voice squeaked at the end, and all she could do was nod.  “Was that man that was here… is he my…  Are we married?”

She shook her head, tears beginning to dampen her eyes.  He was surprised she’d held off for so long.  “No, dear… No, he’s just.  He’s just their babysitter.  More of, like, a nanny.”

Harry wasn’t sure why his lungs deflated like a popped balloon.  All the air seeping out and making a high-pitched wheezing noise in his chest as it did.  “What are their names?”

“Laura and Paxton.” 

Harry repeated the names in his head.  They made his already deflated lungs constrict more, and he took in a sharp, steadying breath.  It tasted bitter.  “And the babysitter?”

She continued her steadying movements against his hand.  It didn’t help as much as she was likely hoping it would.  He just wanted her to make it all go away.  The confusion and fear.  He was so scared.  Unbelievably scared.  He didn’t know what was going on, why it had happened to _him_ , why he had two children.  He took another breath, to stop the incessant beeping or at least to slow it to a crawl.

“His name is Louis.”

Harry nodded his head and then let out an unexpected sob.  His chest felt tight and he didn’t know what was going on.  He kept his eyes closed tight, as if that could stop the tears from threatening to race down his cheeks.  “Why can’t I remember?”

Every time he tried to think back to the car accident his mother had said happened, he could only imagine darkness.  Could only pretend to remember what happened.  Maybe it had been cold.  The windows in his room made it look like fall, the breeze blowing hard against the side of the building.  Leaves were falling and flurrying around, vibrant reds and oranges, muddy browns and dulling greens.  Nature was forgetting the summer, just like Harry had.  He wasn’t sure how much he had lost but it left a hollow, empty feeling in his chest.

Before he could expect an answer from his mother, someone came in.  It must’ve been the doctor, he had the white coat of one.  The authority and certainty of a doctor.  Harry listened as he began to speak, to check over Harry and turn off the machine next to him, a precaution while Harry had been unconscious.  He answered Harry’s question, to the best of his abilities.  Harry tried to pretend he wasn’t drowning in too many words and explanations that didn’t seem right.  Retrograde amnesia.

It wasn’t fair.  He couldn’t remember his children’s faces, except for what he’d caught of the girls’ the night before.  Didn’t know why he’d been going out that night of his accident except for what they told him.  That apparently he had been on his way to meet Louis somewhere; that’s all his mother would say.  He’d slid off the road and his car now had the shape of a tree carved into its side.  Harry was ‘apparently’ lucky to be awake, with a concussion the worst thing he’d gotten.

Harry didn’t feel very lucky.

He would’ve rather had broken all of his bones and kept his memory intact.  As it was, he felt helpless.  He didn’t know his _own_ family.  He didn’t know anything.

When the doctor left, with even more questions flurrying into Harry’s mind in a mad dash, there was a knock on the door.  Harry’s eyes widened and he hoped it wasn’t the man—Louis, or his kids.  He didn’t know what to do.  Or what he’d say.

A blond head popped around the door instead, an unsure little smile and wave, “Hey Haz… How you feeling?”

A weight lifted from his chest.  He knew this one.  A smile broke out onto his face a moment later and the expression mirrored itself onto the newcomer’s face, when Harry acknowledged him with a, “Niall.”  It seemed he had been worried of his permanence in Harry’s mind as well.

“Bit of an accident, huh…”  Niall mumbled, coming closer.  Harry could tell Niall was trying not to drown him in sympathy.  His expression stoic rather than wide-eyed disbelief and upset like Harry would’ve imagined.  Like his mother’s had been, who was still sitting dutifully by his side.

He nodded, frowning a bit when he was reminded of what he’d awoken to the first time.  “I have kids…”

Niall reached forward to place a hand on his shoulder.  This one in clear sympathy of Harry’s forgotten memory as he pulled up a chair beside Anne’s.  “Lou told me you met?”

Harry’s attention caught on the nickname.  He wondered how close Niall was with the man.  “Uh, not really…”  His mind supplied him with the recollection of the angel standing in the dark and the sleeping children with him.  “I don’t-” he took a deep breath, just wanting Niall to answer all of the questions pounding against his skull.  “Do I have a significant other?” 

He would’ve thought his spouse would already have visited if he had one.  Which is why he had assumed Louis was it.  But there was no way he was a single parent to two children…  At least, he couldn’t remember if he was.  He covered his eyes with his hands, letting out another heavy breath.

Maybe it was all an elaborate dream and he would wake up in a moment.

He removed his hands when the silence had stretched on for an unnaturally long time, glancing between his mother and best friend. 

His mother finally opened her mouth to respond, after turning away from sharing a look with Niall.  “No.  Paxton and Laura’s mother… well…” She exhaled a breath, changing the subject, “You know, honey, I think now might not be the best time to tell you.”

A stroke of anxiety hit him, his voice growing frenzied, “Why not?”  The worst thoughts started blooming in his mind, like a garden of glass, shards sticking up from the dirt. “Just tell me.  She didn’t die, did she?”

His mother’s hand was back on top of his as she quickly clarified, “No, no, no!  Darling, please don’t work yourself up.”  He was glad the doctor had disconnected the heart machine, or that was exactly what it would’ve been indicating, beeping in a fury.

Niall, looking increasingly distressed, spoke up, as if a new train of thought would help Harry calm down. “Actually, Haz?  Your kids are in the hallway… waiting to see you.”  That most definitely didn’t.

His already erratic heartbeat didn’t stop its irregular thrum.  Though his voice lowered in volume, by fractions, until it was a fumbled brushstroke of words, “They are?”

Niall nodded, adding a moment too belated, with a frown indicating he was hoping Harry wouldn’t agree to what he was saying, “You don’t have to see them if you don’t want to…”

Harry could tell his own breathing was picking back up.  He shut his eyes, for just a second, inhaling and exhaling slowly.  “No, no, I do… I’m just,” Harry shut his mouth.  Though he knew what he had been about to say, he was too embarrassed to admit it out loud even to his mom and his best friend.  He was nervous, terrified.  Terrified that seeing them again wouldn’t suddenly jog his forgotten memories and make everything okay again.  He looked back to Niall, “Can you get them?”

Niall nodded, gaze pitying.  It was the expression Harry had expected when Niall had first entered the room.  Harry hated it, but figured, a bit self-deprecatingly, it was better late than never.  He knew he would’ve had the same look if their situations were reversed and Niall was the one who had forgotten everything.  He waited for him to re-enter the room.

 

His eyes were glued to the door.  He felt security in his mother’s touch, where her hand was still on top of his.

There was a squeal of laughter, that brought with it his children, rushing in without qualm.  The girl-- Laura, Harry reminded himself—immediately rushed to his side, jumping up onto the bed with a, “Daddy!” throwing her arms out to meet him.  She practically fell into him, and he caught her in the last moment, gradually hugging her back.  Feeling awkward.  Though he reminded himself that she was his daughter and not a stranger.  And he did love children.  It was just… she was _his_.  And he couldn’t remember a single thing about her.

Anne was poking fingers into her sides, causing her to laugh and pull back, with a, “Hey now, little girl, your dad is fragile.”  That made her let go and Harry looked over to see Niall grabbing his toddler under the armpits to put him on the bed, where he had been standing waiting to be put up.  He hadn’t had a chance to see him the night before, where he’d been asleep in Louis’ arms.

Niall immediately set him in the spot Laura had relieved, in Harry’s lap so that he wouldn’t be close enough to the edge to fall off.

“Dada!”  His smile was much the same as Laura’s, except for the little dimples, those were obviously Harry’s.  Harry immediately held the toddler’s sides as Paxton stood up to press hands into Harry’s cheeks, before he was immediately sitting back down on his butt, obviously off balance on top of Harry’s legs.  “I gonna moo.”

Harry shut his eyes tightly, feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden.  More than he’d been before.  Laura was talking to Niall, and Paxton was making cow noises.  And they were his.  He pulled Paxton close to hug him.  He was so small and squishy and warm.  And he smelled like toddler, like baby shampoo and warm soap baths.

Harry opened his eyes after a long moment, letting his gaze stray upwards, towards the man that had walked in with them.  Louis.

In the light of day he was still just as beautiful, as breathtakingly angelic as he had been the night Harry had first seen him.  But in the pale color filing in from the windows, Harry could see his imperfections, what made him so extraordinarily human.  There was a darker color under his crystal eyes, suggesting a sleepless night, a purse to his brow, a tilt to his mouth that twisted at Harry’s insides, making him imagine that if they were not in a room full of people Louis would be crying.  The thought didn’t sit well with him.

“We read books with cows in the waited room.”  Laura tapped at his shoulder, for his attention again.  He turned to look at her, her cheeks pink from laughter with his mom.  She had the loveliest smile, her blonde hair styled in a ponytail this time, instead of pigtails.  She had a slight gap between her teeth and the largest brown eyes Harry had ever seen.  He may have been a bit biased, but he thought his daughter was the prettiest girl in the world.

Paxton added more cow noises for emphasis, brown hair soft, where Harry let his hand drift through it.

“The wait _ing_ room.”  Niall corrected Laura.

She didn’t even acknowledge him, talking to her brother instead, with an encouraging, “That’s right Pax.  Cow’s go moo all the time.”

He glanced up to Louis for an explanation, not getting far before his mother was giving him an answer, and his attention was on her instead. “They’re talking about one of the children’s book in the waiting room.  They’ve done quite a bit of reading in the past couple days.  Isn’t that right?”

Laura grinned up at Anne with a head nod, before turning to Harry as if searching for his approval.  She waited, hands gripping a bit impatiently to the sheets by his side.  “That’s nice Laura…  Did you, umm, read to your little brother?”

She grinned extra bright, and Harry felt an immediate sense of relief that he had somehow managed to say something right.  He didn’t want her to dislike him.  “I read.”  He imagined, she had made up most of the words.  He smiled back at her.

Louis was still standing at a distance from the bed, as if he were an outsider, and Harry would not have realized he was still so far away if his mom had not spoken up.  “Louis, come sit here, darling.”  She tapped at the edge of her seat, and even if it looked like it would’ve been an uncomfortable fit if they did try to sit together, he did step forward.  Harry watched him closely.  He wanted to remember him, if only to turn the sad expression on his face into a smile.  He imagined it would be a beautiful smile and he wanted to see it.

“You can come sit with us…” Harry said, Louis’ eyes immediately flicking back towards him in surprise.  As if he didn’t think Harry would directly speak to him.  Harry gave a small smile, feeling almost sheepish suddenly, with Louis’ focus on him.  “I promise I won’t kick you off or anything.”

That seemed to lessen the tension in the air, if only by a little.  And even put the smallest ghost of a smile upon Louis’ lips.  As he stepped forward to sit at the foot of the bed.

The silence was cut once again when Paxton moo-ed a bit aggressively, causing a few giggles to slip out of everyone’s mouths especially as he started saying things about cows.  That Harry was pretty sure he’d just heard from Laura in the waiting room, as some of the things didn’t even make any sense.  Laura was immediately on him with, “No more mooing, Pax,” and a roll of her eyes.  When he went to moo again, she put her hands over his mouth. 

Louis was scooting forward, to pull her back into his lap, and squeeze her close, with a quiet, “Let him moo, love.  If he doesn’t moo, the cows won’t know what noise to make.”

She seemed to think that was funny, leaning back into Louis’ arms with a delighted smile, tilting her head back to look up at his face.  “What about the horses?”

Louis nodded and Harry couldn’t take his eyes away.  He felt warm watching them, even if he didn’t know them… didn’t remember them.  Louis’ smile was like sunlight, thawing away, bit by bit, Harry’s uncertainty and insecurity.  He held Paxton a bit closer to himself. 

He was his, after all.  He was his baby and that was something Harry would have done if he hadn’t forgotten, he was sure of that.  “You’re right.  We can’t have the horses start mooing or people might start trying to milk them.”  Louis expression was so animated, the face he pulled making Harry smile just as bright as Laura was.

He knew his mom and Niall were doing much the same.  He wondered if Louis always stole the room’s attention, as if he were the center of the universe and the rest of them were merely galaxies orbiting his existence.  “How about you neigh, Paxton moos, and I oink like a piggy…”  He oinked then, and it was the cutest noise Harry was sure he had ever heard.  And he had at least most of his life’s memories to draw upon.

Louis oinked again, much to the children’s enjoyment, Paxton laughing a bit raucously and making Harry’s smile grow even larger.  Until Louis was looking up at him with the softest expression, and murmuring, “And your daddy can cluck like a chicken.”

The children’s eyes were suddenly on him again.  “Yeah!  Dad, chicken, please.”  Laura asked, waiting for him to cluck and he immediately acquiesced, causing another round of giggles.  Laura looked over to Anne and Niall immediately after, sitting up on her haunches to bounce in excitement, “Grandma can be a sheep.  And Niall is erm… a dog.”

They both made their noises appropriately and Paxton started copying them, before shouting, “Dog,” every time Niall ruffed and barked.  A continuous production now that he had an amused audience.

Harry was unexpectedly calm then, even with the energy vibrant in the room.  His anxiety having lessened the longer the children were in the room.  He was surrounded by family, people he cared for deeply.  T _hat_ he was sure of.  He didn’t know what would happen to him, to his lost memories, if he would ever get them back… but in that moment he felt better.  He felt alright even.  Could smile, the lightest touch of warmth in the uncertain recesses of his mind.

 

 

The road was patchy with sheets of ice, spaced out and misshapen as some had begun to melt.  It was early December, and though they hadn’t received any substantial snow, freezing rain had slicked up the road the weekend before.  The most likely cause of Harry’s accident.

They were walking to Louis’ car, Laura having insisted on holding Harry’s hand and Paxton holding Louis’.  Paxton was singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Harry was having a hard time understanding which words he was saying with the way he was mumbling them to himself so quietly.  Louis was smiling down at him, having wrapped him all up in a winter jacket, mittens hooked to his jacket sleeves so they wouldn’t be lost even if they fell off, and boots to keep his little feet warm.  The snowman socks had been a cute touch when Paxton had shown him earlier, following Louis’ request.

And apparently Louis was the one who had dressed them all.  Laura wearing her favorite pea coat that Louis had gotten her and a hat and scarf Anne had knit.  And Harry himself, wearing a set of clothes Louis had brought for him from his apartment, a beanie to keep his head warm and gloves so his fingers wouldn’t get chilly.  He didn’t know how he felt about Louis going through his things, but seeing as he himself had zero clue where any of his stuff was, he was happy Louis seemed to know where to look.

Louis was wearing a white fur-lined denim jacket to keep the chill out and a knit scarf that Harry wondered if his mother had made.  It looked like her handiwork, and it seemed to match Laura’s rather closely.

One thought led to another and he speculated over how long he must have known Louis for.  For him to be getting presents from Harry’s mom.  Though when Harry really thought about it, Anne was known for giving gifts to even apparent strangers… And by the way Louis and his children acted towards one another, Louis was far from a stranger.

 

Harry stepped into the apartment, _his_ apartment, after Laura.  Gradually taking everything in.  It was homey and warm.  Not a speck of dust anywhere, though there were plenty of toys scattered around the main room.  Wooden floors with a burgundy carpet creating an atmosphere that made Harry want to curl up in front of the TV with a mug of hot chocolate.  There was a couch and loveseat set and a few pillows strewn about.

Harry walked forward, noticing the five short stair steps to his left leading up to a hallway stretching down a bit.  He looked forward again, an archway in front of him, leading to what was clearly the kitchen.  It was also clean, organized with a few items he though he recognized sitting around.  The peapod salt and pepper shaker he’d gotten from his sister years before.  A few washcloths that seemed vaguely familiar.

He turned to the right when he was in the center of the kitchen, and moved through another archway, a dining table for six in front of him.  He could see Louis, Laura, and Paxton cleaning up their toys in the living room which was the room he had already seen.  The floorplan was clearly a square with a hallway attached, that likely led to the bedrooms.  The only walls in the “square” separated the kitchen from the dining and living rooms.

He took a steadying breath, walking back over to his kids, meeting Louis’ gaze for just a moment before Louis was glancing away again.  He didn’t like that at all.

“I’m going to go look around…”  He gestured towards the hallway to indicate where.

Louis looked back at him at that, watching him for a small moment before nodding, “I’ll, umm, get started on dinner.” He ushered the kids towards the dining room, telling them, “Let’s set up your coloring stuff, then.”

Harry frowned still, before moving towards the stairs.  There were four doors in the hall, the first one leading to a bathroom.  Paxton and Laura’s toothbrush stuff was on the counter, a few plastic ducks and other toys sitting on the ledge of the bathtub.  Harry took his time going through each cabinet and the closet.  Trying to see if he could recall anything.

His mind was disappointingly blank.

The next room was Paxton’s, a toddler bed pushed against the wall.  The stuffed animals there all extra cuddly looking.

On the same side of the hallway as Paxton’s bedroom, was Laura’s.  It was fitted with all types of space gear, mattress covered with a star speckled sheets and blankets.  He wished he could remember what sparked her interest in space, but he really couldn’t recall anything.

With a deep sigh, he moved to the last room at the end of the hall.  He knew it had to be his.  It was larger than the other two rooms, with a connected bathroom.  The bed was made and tidy, duvet covered with a quilt, one he knew had to have been from his mom and Robin. It had their flare.

There was a large armchair in the corner, beside his dresser which had a few picture frames on top of it.  He moved closer to inspect them.  There was one of him with his sister and mom, another with Liam and Niall when they had still be in college.  Another with him, Laura, and Paxton on what must’ve been Harry’s last birthday.  And finally two smaller picture frames, with a picture of Paxton as a newborn, and Laura when she was only a few years old.

There was another photo on his bedside table, which he made his way over to next.  A picture of himself and Louis holding the kids, beside a picnic basket and on a blanket covering the grass.  If there was a competition for the happiest smile, Harry wasn’t sure who he would’ve given it to.  He found his mind focusing longer on Louis’ smile.  It was unabashed and open, and Harry wanted to see it in person.  He’d already seen Paxton and Laura’s beaming grins, and he wanted to see Louis’ too.

Louis was very, very good looking.  And though Harry knew, rationally, that he shouldn’t have been thinking that way about the babysitter, he found that he really didn’t have it in him to care.  He was all out of caring at the moment.  Already irritated that nothing was coming back to his mind.  That he was a stranger in his own house and that he wasn’t just miraculously remembering anything.

He walked back down to the living room, finding Louis at the bottom of the steps, looking as if he’d been considering calling up to him, or coming to check on him instead.  Maybe to see if he was alright, or wondering if Harry needed anything.  The doctor had told them to keep an eye on him just to be sure.

“Everything alright?”  Harry asked.

Louis nodded, holding a wooden spoon in his hand, as if he hadn’t cared, or noticed, he was still holding it.  He offered Harry a small smile.  “Yeah, just wanted to see that you were okay.”

Harry also nodded, eyes sweeping over Louis for just a moment before finally noticing the duffle on the couch, that hadn’t been there before.

 “Are you staying?”

Louis looked back to what he was seeing, staring at it for a few seconds before responding.  Sheepish, “Oh uh, yes, I thought it would be, erm, helpful.  For the children and for you…”  He paused momentarily, voice quieting slightly, “If that’s alright.”

Harry’s mom was supposed to be staying for a little bit longer too, though due to the lack of room in his apartment she had gotten a hotel room for herself instead.

Harry felt himself starting to smile, at how thoughtful Louis was being.  In all honesty, he was afraid of what would’ve happened if he was left alone with the kids.  He didn’t know anything about their eating habits or their bedtime rituals.  And he didn’t want to mess up or alert them to the fact he couldn’t even remember what he’d been doing the week before.

“Of course.  Thank you…”  He thought back to the three bedrooms, feeling his heart patter a bit quicker as his brows furrowed, “Where will you be sleeping?” Before Louis could respond, in case he himself wasn’t sure, Harry continued, “You’ve stayed over before, right?  Being the babysitter and all…” He gave him a small smile, “Do I have an air mattress somewhere I’m forgetting?” 

He probably shouldn’t have been joking already about his inability to dredge up even the smallest of recollections, at least not yet, but he, again, couldn’t find it in himself to care enough.

“No you don’t.” Louis bit down on his lower lip momentarily.  He released it, the skin redder and damper than before. “I, just, stayed on the couch.”

 Louis didn’t sound quite sure about that fact, but Harry just brushed it off.  “Okay...”  He turned around, approaching what he assumed was a closet, that he’d overlooked earlier. 

There were jackets and shoes in it, a stray umbrella and miscellaneous boxes on the top shelf.  No extra blankets.  He was starting to feel a prickling of frustration at the back of his head.  He continued facing the closet, embarrassed.  Even if Louis wasn’t expecting Harry to know where anything was.  “Do you know where the extra sheets are?”

Louis was silent for a beat. “Yeah, they’re in the bathroom closet, behind all of the towels.”  There was another short pause, “Would you like me to go get them?”

“No, I can do it.  Thank you.”  Harry clipped back, walking towards where Louis had told him the bathroom was.  He knew he shouldn’t have been having an attitude with Louis.  It really wasn’t his fault.  None of it was.

But Harry was frustrated and he just wanted to go to bed.

He was glad, though, that the apartment seemed relatively easy to navigate, so he could hopefully quickly relearn where everything was located.

He pushed aside the towels in the bathroom closet, just as Louis had told him, pulling out a few hidden sheets and pillowcases.  He could put them over the living room pillows, since he didn’t see any extra pillows lying about.

When he returned, he looked over the living room for extra blankets.  He decided to give up before he started getting mad at himself again, for not knowing where anything was.

He had more important things to be doing.  Like getting a bit more acquainted with his children.  They were sitting at the dining room table, coloring books set out in front of them and a 120 count box of Crayola crayons spilling its contents out in between their chairs.

He approached slowly, wanting to watch them work.

“That looks really nice, Laura.”  He murmured when he sat down beside her, smiling when she thanked him before continuing to color.

“Yours too, Paxton.  You must like blue.”  Harry added in, looking over towards Paxton’s picture.  The entire thing was scribbled in blue, charmingly unique. 

“I like blue…” His eyes widened momentarily in pure glee, “Like moo!  Blue is moo is moo.”  He grinned toothily up at Harry before he started mumbling it to himself, refocusing on his coloring, fist tight around his crayon.

Harry bent his head down to rest his chin against the back of his hand, watching them.  They really were wonderful.  Harry had always liked kids, but he had never imagined having his own yet.  Well of course he couldn’t imagine it.  Not when he’d forgotten so much.  He took a small breath.

Laura was looking down at her picture, a princess it looked like, with a chameleon, that she was coloring in.  Her voice drew his attention.  “Daddy?  Can you not remember us?  Louis says you mm-” she made a thoughtful expression, clearly trying to parse out what she wanted to say, “hit your head.”

He sat up slightly, to look down at her, the phantom ache against his skull making its appearance once again, at the reminder of what it’d been through.  He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t want to lie to her.

He exhaled a small breath, “There are a few things I can’t remember so well… important stuff.” Her brows were furrowed and she seemed genuinely disappointed by his response. He gave her an encouraging smile, “Do you think you can be my special helper, Laura?  Be patient and help me out when I need it?”  She stared up at him for another moment before slowly nodding her head.

It took her a moment before she was saying anything else.  “If I mwah, will it make it better?”  She made the mwah noise while kissing at her hand, so that Harry could understand what she meant.  His smile softened, as he tentatively reached forward to stroke at her hair.  She continued to stare up at him imploringly.

He let out a small laugh, “I suppose it doesn’t hurt to try…”  She leaned up to leave a smacking kiss to the top of his head, with a ‘mwah,’ looking quite proud of what she’d done.  Before she was moving back down afterwards to continue her coloring.  He smiled down at her, heart swelling with warmth.  His children were a wonder.  He couldn’t quite take his eyes from them even as he moved towards the kitchen, quietly so as to not disturb their concentration.  It was when he was at the archway separating the dining room from the kitchen that he turned to see what Louis was doing.

He was stood in front of the stovetop, shoulders hunched forward slightly, posture closed off.  Looking small.  The man who had taken up the entire room earlier, seemed so different then.  Still magnetic, still drawing Harry in, but vulnerable almost, in the curve of his spine and the tilt of his head.

Harry broke his thoughts, with a quick shake of his head, taking another step into the room.  “What are you making?”

Louis glanced at him over his shoulder, giving a small smile.  Before turning his attention back to the pot in front of him.  He stood a bit straighter, a bit taller, as if he didn’t want Harry to see him looking like he’d had. “Nothing fancy for tonight…  Just pasta.”  Harry moved closer until he was beside Louis, their arms brushing when he shifted to look at the spaghetti.

He noticed that Louis seemed to lean into the action.  Before he was pulling away with a jolt, “Umm, I should start on the tomato sauce…”  He stared up at Harry, eyes startled and the most striking blue Harry had ever seen.  He hadn’t really noticed that earlier.

Louis looked down at the tile for just a moment, “Can you watch the pasta for me?  Make sure it doesn’t boil over?”

Harry nodded, accepting the wooden spoon and trying not to think too hard about Louis’ actions and why he had reacted the way he had.  His brain started to hurt again anyways.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that commented, kudos-ed, and bookmarked last chapter. You all rock! I hope the story continues to be enjoyable to read. :)

Harry blinked up at his bedroom ceiling, blankets pulled up to his chest and arms sleep heavy at his sides.  It had been a week already and he hadn’t had any sudden revelations; hadn’t been able to remember anything important.  He mentally kicked himself and wondered if he could just sulk in bed all day.  He really, _really_ wanted to.

But he knew that he couldn’t.  Not when he had children to take care of.  The smell of pancakes wafting through the air reminded him he had another guest in his home.  And he wanted to kick himself again for not having remembered him either.

Interacting with Louis was like playing Russian roulette.  Half of the time, Harry was relieved that he hadn’t made him upset again, and the other times, when the bullet would hit, he felt helpless to do anything.  Louis’ emotions seemed to make his own just as erratic and distressed.

He sat up, running his hand through his hair, before getting up to brush his teeth and splash his face with water.  He hoped his family was still in their pajamas, because it was a Saturday morning and Harry didn’t want to change.

He was relieved to see the children in their matching onesies in front of the TV, completely enthralled by the morning cartoons, and Louis in the kitchen also wearing his pajamas, loose plaid pants and a worn white t-shirt.

His posture was relaxed where he stood in front of a pan, flipping a circle of batter onto its other side.  When Louis realized he was there, he offered him a sleepy smile.  It seemed Harry hadn’t been the only one who hadn’t wanted to get up.

“Good morning.”  Harry took a few steps closer to him, before asking suddenly, “Don’t I ever cook anything?”  The pancakes smelled amazing and he waited for Louis to give him a confused tilt of his head, before he was moving over to grab glasses for their drinks, “It just seems that you’ve been the only one making the food...”

“Oh, you do cook… I just, thought it might be easier for you if I did it.”  He was probably worried Harry had forgotten how to cook.  Or maybe Harry was just projecting and Louis didn’t think that at all.  After all, the doctor had said he should still be able to do the same things he had before, even if he couldn’t quite remember how to.

He put the cups down after a moment, to face Louis again, “I can make breakfast tomorrow if you want.  French toast?”

His expression lit up hesitantly, “You always used to make French toast on Sundays…”  Harry really wished he could’ve told him he had offered because he had remembered that fact.  Instead he just nodded and watched the hope lose itself in Louis’ gaze.  He turned away to look back at the pancakes, though that seemed only an excuse so that Harry wouldn’t see his expression.

 

“What color is this, Paxton?”  Harry pointed to his sippy cup.

“Yellow.”  He replied, looking at the cup with a happy grin.

“Good!” Harry had such an intelligent toddler, and it made him very happy to know that.  Though Harry probably would’ve thought Paxton was very smart even if he’d gotten the color wrong.  “What about this?”  He pointed to the plastic silverware.

Paxton stared at it for a few long moments, before, “Orange,” in the little mumble like way he usually spoke.  Which oftentimes made him hard to understand, but he was still learning and Harry couldn’t fault him that.

“You’re really good at this.”  Harry grinned down at him, and Paxton smiled back.  Before suddenly shouting when Louis came out with their breakfast, raising his arms in the air and only lowering his voice slightly when Laura shushed him.  Harry was momentarily worried he’d fling himself out of his seat, but he merely began bouncing up and down instead.

He must’ve really liked pancakes.  Or Louis.  Or both.

Harry couldn’t fault him on that either.

 

“Can you drink all of your milk, please?” Louis asked Paxton who was pushing his cup as far away as he could.

Paxton continued pushing it away.  “Why?”  That was not the first time Harry had heard the three-year old ask that question that week.

Louis took his enquiry in stride, giving him a small smile and leaning close as if he had a secret to share.  That caught Paxton’s attention who turned to him in wonder.  “We have to drink milk because milk has special properties called calcium and vitamin D in it.  If you drink it, you can get big and strong like your daddy.”

Paxton stared raptly as Louis spoke, Harry doing much the same, before Paxton was mumbling, “Like daddy.”  It was another moment and a bit more nudging of his cup back closer to him before he was drinking from it.

Laura, on Harry’s other side, was dragging her pancake pieces around in the pools of syrup on her plate.

“Daddy… Louis… can we decorate for Christmas?”  She looked between the two of them and Harry found himself looking to Louis for confirmation himself.  Unsure of what to say.  The past week had been difficult.  Harry wasn’t sure how he used to act, wasn’t sure if he was being weird or not being himself…  He wasn’t sure how to be a parent anymore.

Louis met his gaze, understanding Harry’s silence for what it was.  A desperate plea for help.  Even at such a simple question.  Louis turned towards her, putting another few raspberries on her plate, “Well Laura, I guess it’d be alright if everyone is feeling up to it.”

It was clear to Harry who ‘everyone’ was.  Laura nodded.  Harry was pretty sure she understood too.  She’d done what he’d asked, being patient with him when he messed up or didn’t know how to put her to bed like he used to.  Or didn’t know where to find her favorite cookies in the pantry right away.

Louis gave him a moment, turning to Paxton to ask if he wanted to decorate.  Paxton, with his hands completely sticky with syrup responded with a resolute, “Yeah!”

Both sets of eyes then turned on him.  “I think we, umm, should…  Definitely.”  Harry gave them each a small smile. “Are you gonna show me how we decorate, Laura?”

“Mm-hmm.”  She grinned, pleased with their decision.  “And snowflakes too Lou.” 

He nodded, clearly understanding what she was hinting at.  “Snowflakes too.”

 

It was half an hour later and they were back in their winter gear, tucked up in jackets and gloves on their way out the door. 

Louis did the driving, once again, to take them to the closest tree farm location plugged into his GPS.  Harry listened to the children talking in the backseat, the bells of Christmas music quietly chiming from the radio.  It sounded mostly like Paxton was talking to himself, with Laura responding and adding her own comments every other few words.

“How are you feeling today?”  Louis’ voice caught his attention.  He wondered if Louis was talking mentally or physically, Harry _was_ recovering from a car accident after all.

But he had stopped hurting a few days before.  He had a few bruises still, but unless they were pressed against, he almost forgot they were even there.  It was mostly his annoyance with his own brain that was making Harry not okay.  Made him irritable at times and disappointed in himself at others.  Louis had already witnessed Harry snap at him too many times for Harry to be proud of.

He had also seen Harry get emotional.  And besides the fact it was embarrassing, Harry wished Louis didn’t look just as upset as he did every time it happened.  He wouldn’t do anything when that happened, but sit beside him and ask if he wanted to talk about it.  When Harry would just shake his head and try to get ahold of himself, Louis would stay silent and wrinkle his brow, as if he wasn’t sure what he should’ve been doing. 

He had been doing it though, exactly what Harry needed; his presence was like a balm, soothing to Harry’s emotions.  Harry wasn’t sure why having Louis around made everything feel just slightly better, but he thought it might have been because, even he realized, misery loved company.

He nodded his head, realizing almost belatedly that Louis was looking a bit concerned by his lack of response.  “Yeah, I think I’m alright.” 

He offered Louis a small smile, and the next time Louis glanced over he returned it with a quiet, “Good.”

 

Paxton and Laura ran around the place when they finally arrived, Louis and Harry having to catch up to them on more than one occasion as they tried finding the very best tree.  There weren’t too many _great_ ones left as there were only two weeks away from Christmas, but they eventually found one everyone liked.

Harry wondered if they usually waited that long to get a tree, or if they would’ve gone the previous weekend.  If Harry hadn’t gotten into his crash.

He assumed that was the case; he loved Christmas, there was no way they would’ve waited so long under normal circumstances.  He didn’t even need to ask Louis for validation, who was helping him tie the tree to the roof of the car after they’d found one.  His nose was starting to get pink and Harry had to focus a bit harder on the tree so he wouldn’t just stare at Louis and the way he smiled with his eyes sparkling in excitement.  Maybe he loved Christmas too.

The car heater did wonders at warming all four of them up, Louis having put extra blankets in the car to help their legs recover from the bitter wind.  Harry wasn’t sure what he’d done to get the best babysitter in the world, but he was beyond grateful.  He’d have to remember to ask Louis how much he got paid.  And how often that happened. 

Wondering briefly if he should increase his pay, for taking care of three people instead of just two.

Louis was like a god-send, helping out no matter how irritable Harry was.  He might really have been an angel.  A guardian angel, or maybe Harry’s own personal angel.  That seemed fair.  And the thought seemed to make Harry smile, though he momentarily wondered if that was a creepy thing to think about one’s hired babysitter.

He decided he’d rather not think about it instead of coming to a conclusion he didn’t want to mull over further.

 

Getting the tree in the apartment was a lot harder than Harry had anticipated.  Though they were able to get some help from a friendly neighbor who lived somewhere in the building.

And when the tree was finally in place, in the corner of the living room, next to the TV, they put on the Christmas music, broke out the decorations that apparently Harry had hidden in his bedroom closet, and got to work.  Louis made them hot chocolate with lots of whipped cream and Harry got to see all the ornaments the kids had made through the years.  It seemed like there were more of Paxton as an infant than Laura, which Harry found odd.  He would’ve gotten Laura’s hand molded in clay too.  Though maybe because she was his first he hadn’t thought about it at the time.

She did have a lot of hand colored ornaments though, that they stuck up right in front.  Paxton also did an excellent job filling the bottom few branch levels with ornaments and Harry lifted him up to help him place some higher.

Laura was the one who received the honor of placing the star on top of the tree, and Harry helped her, picking her up much the same way as he had with Paxton.

His chest was feeling lighter and his cheeks were warm with laughter and smiles.  Even if it had really only been a week since he had re-met his children and Louis, he felt happy. Much, much happier than he had that morning at least.  

Being thrust right back into his old life, with Laura, Paxton, and Louis had helped.  At least he’d thought it had.

His mom seemed to have thought the same thing, deciding to leave after five days instead of sticking around longer, saying she didn’t want to hover.  She had told him that she trusted Louis to take care of him.  And besides the fact that made Harry feel like a baby, he had kind of agreed.

Louis was completely on top of things.  Always had food on the table, schedules organized, extra hugs and kisses for the children, and he was, again, what Harry thought must’ve been the best babysitter in the world.  He had to be.

He had even remembered to take pictures with Harry’s camera while they were decorating. Which Harry clearly did not know he owned.  Harry had always liked photography though, so he should’ve realized. 

And those pictures in his room, and the ones on the walls in the hall and the living room, had to have gotten there somehow.

Harry eventually took the camera from Louis, snapping as many pictures as he could, getting the kids, getting Louis, getting group photos and ones of the chaos scattered around the floor.

He even let Laura take pictures when she asked.  And she thought it was a good idea to let Paxton also take pictures.  Though he almost immediately dropped the camera when she thrust it into his hands.  Harry had decided to assist him at that point and had helped his small hands hold onto the camera and press the button.

Harry made sure to get one of Louis and the kids in front of the tree after they lit it up.  The kids were all over Louis, hugging him and smiling so large.  He was crouched down to be on their level and the photo Harry took had to be one of his favorites.

The tree in itself was a piece of artwork.

And instead of that being the end of their fun, Harry was sent to the kitchen, with Paxton in tow, to make his apparently yearly Christmas cookies, with a recipe in hand, while Louis and Laura set out for the dining room to cut out snowflakes.

 

 

It was bath time again.  An experience Harry had only had once before, halfway through the week, and now it was time again to wash the kids.  Apparently it had started as an activity that Harry had needed an extra pair of hands for.  To wash a baby and a toddler, when Paxton had gotten old enough to sit up by himself in the bathtub. 

As it was, Paxton was really the only one who needed help anymore, but since it used to be a family event, Harry had to participate.  He would’ve hated to do anything different from what it used to be like.  And it was, well, it was fun.

Harry loved spending time with Laura and Paxton and Louis.  He liked watching them all interact and he liked being smiled at by two cute little faces and he loved being called Daddy and being a dad in general.  He loved it and he wanted to be the best dad he could possibly be.

Even if that meant an occasional splash fight during bath time.  Which was currently happening, Paxton giggling and, with Laura’s help, splashing water at Louis and Harry, and the entire bathroom floor.  Louis was sputtering playfully, pretending like he couldn’t believe they had gotten him wet, before he was tickling Paxton and splashing water at Laura at the same time.  He really could do it all.

And it wasn’t long before Harry was entering the splash zone and going for the showerhead, turning it on for a second so it would rain down on the kids.  He and Louis most definitely should not have been encouraging their behavior, especially since bath time was supposed to be for cleaning.  But they had had such a good day, at least Harry had.  He’d barely gotten frustrated, really only doing so right after he’d woken up, and because of that he figured a little bath time fun was in order.

There were yells of surprise when the shower water came rushing down at them and Harry grinned before turning it off and getting splashed immediately in retaliation.  He crouched down and Louis caught his eye, giving him such a happy smile, laughing a little himself.

And the sound caught Harry off guard.  Almost had him completely forgetting what they were doing.  It was such a sweet sound, bright and twinkling.  Being splashed in the face brought him back and he reached forward to cup water in his hands and pour it over Laura’s soapy hair.

Bath time took half an hour longer than it had the previous time.

Harry and Louis were soaked afterwards.  They got the kids dried and dressed, brushed and ready for bed.

It was a team effort.  And he very much liked thinking of him and Louis being on a team; he thought they made a very good one at that.

Louis took over helping Paxton with his teeth brushing so that Harry could clean the bathroom floor up.  When it was dry enough to suit him, he went to change into drier clothes, Louis getting the kids into bed.  When Harry was done changing, Louis went to go get changed himself and Harry was in charge of sending the kids off to sleep on his own.

Louis had been there the first couple days, to help Harry if he needed a reminder of the kid’s nighttime ritual.  Which he had.  But he had let him do it on his own the last couple of days.  Harry had wanted to stay consistent.  Didn’t want to forget anything, no matter how small, and upset them.

He had already kissed Paxton goodnight and had tucked him into his bed.  He had been too tired from all the excitement that day to want Harry to read to him, as he usually did, practically already asleep when Harry had turned his light out and had closed his door to a crack.

Laura was next, already under her blankets and ready for Harry to tell her goodnight.  He sat at the edge of her bed, smoothing back her hair to press a kiss to her forehead.  She smiled up at him, before reminding him, “I love you, Daddy,” like she did every night.

She yawned and he smiled a little bigger, pulling her blankets up just a little higher and tucking the sides of the blankets around her feet like a mummy. “I love you too, Laura.”

She yawned again, blinks getting heavy.  “Can we play in the bath every day?”

He scrunched his nose up slightly.  “Well… we probably shouldn’t do _that_.  We made a very big mess in the bathroom that we had to clean up.”  She nodded, frowning and giving him her best forlorn expression.  He was pretty sure she didn’t even know she was doing it and he acquiesced, “But on special occasions maybe.”

That seemed to appease her and she smiled again.  He bent down to kiss her forehead one more time before getting up to turn off the light, “Good night, sweetheart.”

“Nighty-night.” She replied.

He left, leaving the door open a crack, just like he’d done for Paxton.  They each had their own night light, but in case they needed him or Louis, they were only a quick call away.

 

Louis was munching on a sugar cookie in the kitchen when Harry found him.  Most of the lights were off, except for the Christmas tree and a few lamps in the living room, bringing enough light into the kitchen from the archway that Harry could see Louis looking at him.

Louis gave him a small smile.  The warm light of their hard work casting his expression in a pretty glow, the quirk of his lip in a soft line.  He bit the corner off of one of Harry’s star-shaped cookies, mumbling around the dessert, “I love it when you bake...”  Louis’ voice was soft too, raspy and sweet, as if his mouth would taste like sugar and icing.  Harry’s heart started to beat just a tad quicker.

Harry was so, so grateful to have Louis there, for everything he was doing and had done for them.  For his family

Louis felt like stability, and Harry had been leaning on him the entirety of the past week.  Thinking about it reminded him of the question he had wanted to ask earlier, about how much Louis got paid.  But that could wait, Harry broke out into a smile of his own, before asking, “Is it because of the sprinkles, or the icing?  Because if it’s the sprinkles, you’ll have to thank Paxton for that.”

Louis continued smiling at him.  Harry felt as if he were the one who’d just eaten a cookie.  A sweet taste on his tongue and his insides coated in honey.

“Think it’s all of it, really...  It must’ve been put in the oven at _exactly_ the right temperature and for the _perfect_ amount of time.”  He took another bite, and Harry’s eyes fell to his mouth at the action.  “Who should I thank for that?”

Harry’s heart rocked back and forth in his chest, disoriented, and he wondered if he was being flirted with.  By the babysitter.  His throat fell dry, as he whispered, “I guess that’d be me.”  He wondered if he sounded desperate.  He wondered if he was being inappropriate.  If he was flirting back.

He’d had such a good day and he wondered if that was why Louis had seemed to be dropping a few barriers around him.  Maybe that was just how Louis acted with all of his friends.  Is that what they were?  They seemed to be relatively close considering Louis was his children’s babysitter.  And had been for about three years.

They had to have been friends.  It would’ve explained why Louis would sometimes get this achingly upset expression on his face when Harry couldn’t remember something important, which almost hurt worse than anything Harry had ever experienced in all his years of life.

Louis’ voice caught his attention again, as he let out a simple, “Thank you, Harry.”  It stirred low in Harry’s stomach and Harry immediately changed his course of thought.

Replying louder than he’d intended, “How much do I pay you?”  That effectively broke whatever weird atmosphere they had just been shrouded in.

Louis glanced away, putting the part of his cookie he hadn’t finished on a napkin and picking at it.  He looked slightly uncomfortable.  “Umm, about one hundred dollars a day…”

Harry’s eyes widened slightly.  That didn’t seem like enough money.  He hadn’t even looked at his finances since he had woken up from his accident.  He probably had a lot more money than he had back in his college days so he really wasn’t sure why Louis was only making one hundred a day.  Louis deserved to be getting paid a lot more than that.

Harry would definitely give him a bonus.  “How often do I pay you?  Every week?”

Louis nodded, finally glancing at Harry with his lower lip in his mouth, a downward tilt of his eyebrows.  As if he was troubled by their talking about his paycheck.  Harry wasn’t sure why, but he nodded in return.  “Wait right here.”

Harry went up into his room, to grab his checkbook, where he had seen it in his computer case when he’d been searching through his stuff.

He returned to the kitchen, filling out the information to the order of a Mr. Louis Tomlinson.  He was glad he could at least remember how to write a check.  He handed it over after a moment, Louis taking it hesitantly after Harry indicated it was for “last week.”

Harry braced himself for a less than favorable reaction.  Though he really wasn’t sure how Louis would react.  Louis’ eyes widened when he saw how much was on it.  His voice going shrill and his shoulders going tense.  “Harry, you can’t give me $1,000.  Holy shit, what are you doing?”  He looked to Harry with his brows lifted and his eyes sharp.

“It’s for everything that you’ve done for me and my family.”  Harry quickly explained, Louis’ expression not looking any less perturbed.

“Harry, I don’t want your money.”  He balked slightly, shaking his head and his tone going tight, “I’m not doing it for the money.”  Before Harry could ask him what that even meant, he continued, sounding offended, “I’m not like taking advantage of your situation for a higher paycheck.  I want to help you because-” He stopped suddenly, taking a sharp breath.  He looked down at the check again and Harry almost flinched when he saw the tears start to line his eyes.  “You’re my friend… and I care about Laura and Paxton a lot.”  He took another deep breath, and the tears didn’t fall, though they filled his lash line.  He pushed the check back towards Harry, throat tight and gaze averted.  “Please, can I just have the normal amount…?”

Harry nodded rigidly after a moment.  He hadn’t meant to make Louis that upset and found himself growing frustrated yet again.  He swallowed, chest tight.  Clearly he couldn’t do anything right.  Louis still wasn’t looking at him.  His voice came out wobbly, “I’m sorry, Louis.”

Louis just nodded and he took the check back, writing out a new one with the ‘proper’ amount.  When Louis reached out for the new check, Harry grabbed his hand.  Holding it so he couldn’t pull back.  That got his attention, eyes widening when his head flipped immediately towards him. 

Harry gripped his palm a bit tighter, Louis’ hand warm and so incredibly soft beneath Harry’s touch.  His voice was still a little unsteady, “I just wanted you to know, Louis, that I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and that you’re doing for us.  Really.  Things wouldn’t be the same without you.”

He let out a breath, waiting another moment before letting go of Louis’ hand, though Louis didn’t immediately pull it back, still staring wide-eyed at Harry.  A single tear streaked down his cheek, and that prompted Harry to continue, regret laced in every word, “I’m sorry about the check, I didn’t mean to offend you, I just… I wanted to thank you somehow.”

Louis nodded, before finally reaching up to wipe the dampness from his cheek, turning away slightly, as if embarrassed to be showing Harry his tears.

He let out a quiet, “You’re welcome.”  And Harry’s chest felt tight and achy.  Harry wanted to reach out for him again.  But stopped himself in the last moment, reminding himself that Louis was his _hired_ babysitter.  That it would be inappropriate to touch him.  He probably shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

Even though Harry knew Louis wasn’t just his babysitter.  Since Louis had even said they were friends.  Friends comforted each other… but Harry just couldn’t get himself to do it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real life Harry is 23 years and 2 days old and [elizamackenzie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/elizamackenzie) (i.e. best roomie in the world (seriously she bought me mini doughnuts!)) is 21 years and 353 days old... The world is a very interesting place...  
> Also real life Louis is 25 years and 41 days old and I love all three of my babies!!!

It was a few days later and the kids were asleep once again, having been put to bed an hour earlier.  Harry shuffled down the steps from where he’d been trying to sleep in his own room, noticing Louis was watching the TV with a blanket pulled up to his chest.

The screen played the tail end of an action movie, if the explosions were any indication.  But Harry could really only keep his attention on Louis’ face as he stepped around to the other side of the couch.  He knew Louis could tell he was staring, the tops of his cheeks turning a faint pink the longer Harry looked.  He supposed it would’ve been unnerving to have someone staring at your face, but Harry couldn’t help himself.  Louis’ cheekbones were sharp, yet his complexion was so soft.  His eyelashes were long, fanning out across his cheeks every time he blinked, the motion kicking up a flurry in Harry’s stomach.

Louis’ chestnut hair was feathery, falling across his forehead, his mouth chapped, from the winter wind.  From being bitten when he started thinking too hard about something.

Harry flicked himself, clearly tired enough to be going off on wild mental tangents about Louis’ attractiveness.  Harry glanced away, back towards the screen, when Louis turned his attention to him.  Eyes very blue, and very beautiful.  Subjectively.  Harry shouldn’t have been thinking those things about his kids’ babysitter.

“May I sit with you?”

There was a moment, before Louis was letting out a small breath and a slight laugh, as if Harry hadn’t needed to ask in the first place. “Yeah, of course.”

When Harry sat down he maintained a distance between them.  Even if it was smaller than he’d originally intended.  Harry looked back towards Louis after a minute of TV watching, trying to be subtle by only doing it through the corner of his eye.  Louis didn’t seem to trust that, turning back to narrow his eyes at Harry, and put a hand up to touch his own face.  “Do I have marker on my face?”

Harry watched Louis’ fingertips glide down, over the apples of his cheeks to still at his jaw.  He shook his head, eyes still glued to his hands, they were so small and dainty.  “No,” he gave a smile, deciding he should probably apologize for the staring.  “Sorry, I just thought that this felt kind of familiar.”

Louis’ expression lit up so bright, like the star on top of the tree.  “Really?”

Harry nodded a beat too late.  Distracted, a bit too distracted.

It had been true, though.  Ever since his foot had landed at the bottom of the steps, and he’d looked over to see Louis, he’d felt warm, he’d felt right.  More so when he was sitting with him.  He was sure he must’ve done it before too, before the accident.  He didn’t know how to explain it, but it just felt normal, like it was something they had done quite often, sat together and watched TV.  He prayed he wasn’t just making it up, that his brain wasn’t creating false images in his mind.  That would’ve only ended up being disappointing for the both of them.

Harry’s heart melted a little when he noticed that the smile Louis was giving him was exactly like the one he’d had in the picture on Harry’s bedside table, bright and pleased, and so very sweet.  It almost took his breath away, seeing it in person.

Louis quickly turned his attention back to the screen, cheeks burning a shade darker.  Harry almost asked him to look back at him.  So that he could continue studying his smile.  Even though the beautiful beam began to fall gradually.  As if Louis was reminding himself not to get so excited by something potentially insignificant.

Harry’s gaze slid downward, along with his insides, chest tightening slightly.  Louis had the prettiest shoulders, a large lavender sweater resting on top of them, revealing just the hint of his collarbone and the top of a tattoo.  Harry’s brows furrowed, he felt like he’d seen that sweater before.

Somewhere.  He was pretty sure he had the exact same one, that he’d gotten at the mall with Gemma when they’d gone shopping once.  His mouth was blurting, “Is that my sweater,” before his brain could catch up with it.  Why would Louis have his sweater?

Louis looked down at it, expression closing off.  He blinked a few times, as if trying to hold back too much emotion, voice strained, “Oh.  I sometimes wash my clothes here and I must’ve taken it… by accident.” He looked up to Harry then, to ask, tone a bit stiff, “Do you want it back?”

His expression tugged hard at Harry’s heartstrings, his mouth suddenly dry.  Louis looked like that would’ve been the worst thing Harry could ever possibly do to him.  His brows were pinched and his eyes were glossy.  “No.”  Harry finally breathed out.  It was just a sweater and Louis seemed so upset by the thought that Harry could possibly want it back.  “You keep it…  It looks nice on you.”

Louis’ fingers twitched on top of the blanket on his lap, as he nodded, pulling it back up over his shoulders, covering him and his sweater up, as if that would make it so Harry would forget he was wearing it.  He turned back to the TV himself, stomach rolling. 

He didn’t know why so much of what he said only seemed to make Louis sadder.  He wished, he really wished he hadn’t driven that godforsaken day and he hadn’t gotten into his stupid accident.  It would’ve saved him a lot of heartache and head pain.

 

It was the following day after he’d finally managed to plant himself in his bed and sleep.  And Harry felt drained.  He hadn’t slept well at all the night before, flashes of consciousness forcing him awake at odd intervals and leaving his head aching and his eyes sore.  He stayed in bed much later than he probably should’ve, Laura coming in to see if he was okay.  She’d brought her doctor’s kit with her and Harry smiled when she decided to ‘check his temperature’ even after he’d promised he was fine.

He already loved these children so much.  He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten lucky enough to have them in his life.

It was when Louis came in, to check on them a few minutes after Laura had declared him fit to leave that Harry decided to get up, get dressed, and try his best at being a productive member of society.  He was just so tired.

Trying to remember things his brain no longer had to share was impossible and disheartening.  If it weren’t for his children and Louis, he was sure he would’ve never left his room, let alone his apartment as he tried to parse through his most recent memories, before his accident, and force them to come back.

He ate lunch and afterwards, with a deep, draining sigh, he began watching TV.  So much for being a productive member of society.  He sat in the same spot he’d been in the night he found Louis in his sweater.  Though Louis wasn’t there that time, banging pots around in the kitchen.

Laura and Paxton were also missing, each in their rooms, having quiet play time or nap time depending on how they were feeling.  If Harry hadn’t already had his own nap time, by not getting out of bed until noon, he would’ve considered napping again.  Just because he could.

Harry decided instead that he would go see what Louis was up to in the kitchen, standing and shutting off the TV with a click.  A knock on the door changed his course of action to the door instead, wondering who their visitor could be.

His eyes widened when he saw who was on the other side grinning back at him.  “Liam.”

Liam threw his arms around Harry’s neck almost immediately, squeezing him close.  “Harry, it’s good to see you.”  He clapped a hand on his back, working his way around him and into the apartment, with a hand on his shoulder.  Harry just watched him do it, and then watched him call out, quite ostentatiously up the steps of the apartment, “Uncle Liam’s here.  And he’s brought presents!”

The sound of footsteps was immediately heard from the hallway, the rumbling growing louder, along with shrieks of “Presents!” and “Lime!!”

Paxton had a harder time going down the steps than Laura did, which meant she got her hug first.  Louis was at the archway of the kitchen a moment later, and his grin was infectious.  “Well if it isn’t our favorite fruit.”

Liam laughed at that, going over to pick Paxton up to throw him around, and then hug Louis.  Harry watched the entire interaction in amazement.  It was odd seeing Liam interact with them like they were lifelong friends when _Harry_ was the lifelong friend and he’d never seen the four of them together before, for obvious reasons.

Laura was at Liam’s side, speaking up at him, “Presents Liam?  I love presents.  I got Santa a present this year so he knows we ‘preciate all he does.  Do you think he’ll liked it?”

“I think Santa will love your present.”  Liam turned then, Paxton still in his arms who was trying to tell him what it was.  Apparently a hand-drawn picture of their family.

It struck Harry then, in that moment.  His eyes widened, heart suddenly beating a mile a minute.  Christmas.  Presents.  Holy shit.  He’d forgotten, they’d gotten a tree and everything and he’d still forgotten.  There was only a week and a half left and he didn’t have any presents.  He needed to get presents.

He had no idea what to get them.

Liam glanced back towards him, passing him Paxton so that he could grab the bag of presents he’d left in the hallway.  Paxton squealing “Presents!” in Harry’s ear when he saw the boxes in Liam’s arms.

“Now you guys’ can’t open them until Christmas.”  He handed one to Laura, “but go ahead and give it a good shake.”

She happily obliged, before naming off what she possibly thought it could be.  Harry mentally wrote down everything she said.  So that he might’ve had a clue as to what to get her.

Liam gave her the other presents to put under the tree and the gifts glared accusingly back at Harry.  He had to get on it.  He put Paxton down after a moment so he could help his sister with her task.

When they were finished, they were back at Liam’s side, chattering indistinctly at him.  He nodded along to everything they were saying and Louis was watching in amusement.

Harry was lost, so very lost.  Liam was acting incredibly, normal…  Just like he had back in college and Niall, Harry, and him had been rooming together.

Harry cleared his throat with a mumbled, “Liam…”

Liam replied with a noncommittal “Hmm?”  Still paying attention to Laura and Paxton at his feet.

Harry narrowed his eyes in confusion.  “Can I talk to you?”

“We wanna play.”  Paxton told Harry.  Gripping onto Liam’s sleeve.

“Yeah daddy, we want to play with Liam!”  Laura added helpfully.

And before Harry could ruin their hopes and dreams, and be the worst parent ever, Liam was speaking up for him, “Actually guys, I can’t play right now.  I’m here on business.”

“Business?”  Harry was growing increasingly more confused.  Liam nodded at him with a large smile, gesturing to the leather strapped bag he had hanging off his shoulder.

Laura and Paxton were starting to whine up at him, but Louis quickly shut that down, offering instead to play with them.  Liam, used the opening Louis gave them to grab Harry’s arm and drag him up to his room.  He sat on the armchair in the corner, gesturing for Harry to take a seat across from him on the bed.

“What’d you want to talk about?”  He asked.  As if things were totally normal.

“Uh, you do know I was in an accident right?”

He nodded his head, brows furrowing as if _he_ was confused by Harry’s question.  “Of course I know.  Louis and Niall both told me.”  He had expected Niall to have told Liam, but not Louis too.  Since when had Louis become so close with Harry’s friends?  It didn’t bother him necessarily, he actually kind of liked it.  He just wished he could remember how it had happened.

He was starting to feel himself grow a bit aggravated by Liam’s nonchalant attitude.  As if Harry’s accident hadn’t forced him to forget absolutely everything important to him in the last few years of his life.  His temple throbbed against his skull and he exhaled a breath, “What do you mean, you’re here on business?”

Liam’s mouth pursed, as if he hadn’t expected that.  “Ah… Right, I’m actually your editor?  You do know you’re a writer, right…?”

The question seemed to rub Harry the wrong way, but he knew it was just because his head was starting to hurt.  And because it was Liam, who always seemed to know just how to get on Harry’s nerves, without even intending to.  He exhaled another breath.  It wasn’t Liam’s fault Harry had been in an accident, and he reminded himself not to take it out on him.  He tried his best to keep his tone neutral.  “Yes.  Louis told me…  I mean, I would’ve hoped so as I did graduate with a bachelors in English Literature and Creative Writing.”

Liam nodded his head. Offering him another smile, “Right, well I’m here to talk to you about your latest project.  I figured you’d have questions and I’m more than ready to tell you about all those plot devices you probably forgot to write down.”

That reminder actually hurt.  He’d thought about it earlier that week, of course he had.  When he’d been in college he’d been addicted to his computer.  Was practically always on it, hashing out new story ideas and trying to concentrate on the old ones.

And now, now all of his hard work, everything… he couldn’t remember any of it.  He doubted he’d written down every little detail he needed to remember.  And that bother him more than he’d like.

Harry shook his head.  “I can’t even handle you right now.”

Liam’s brows furrowed, and it would’ve been cute if Harry was not nearing the edge of his breaking point.  “Why?”

“You’re being insensitive.”  It wasn’t entirely true, but Harry just needed a nice long break away from the entire world.

Liam’s eyes widened, unfairly so, his voice squeaking “I am?  I’m sorry Harry, I didn’t mean to, you know, bring up, bad feelings…”

He sounded so sincere, Harry knew Liam was being sincere.  Had always been like that, immediately apologizing if he thought he’d done something wrong.  Harry let out a breath, feeling mildly guilty himself.  Maybe he was just mad that Liam had immediately meshed so well with his family when Harry hadn’t even been able to remember them after he’d first woken up at the hospital.

He was being a jerk.  He exhaled a long, hard breath, shaking his head, “No, I’m sorry, Liam.  I’m just… I’m having a hard time.  Obviously.”  Liam gave him a sympathetic expression, frowning.  Harry shook his head again, “I haven’t even looked at my computer yet…”

“You haven’t gone on your computer yet?”  Liam’s tone was shocked and he seemed offended by that statement, putting his briefcase down and staring at Harry as if he’d grown two heads.  “Why?”

Harry glanced over to where he’d put his computer case, before looking down at the duvet and pressing his fingernail against the stitching.  “It’s hard enough trying to get used to my apartment again.  I don’t want to have to go on my computer and not know where anything is.  It’s not like I can remember any of my storyline anyways.  As you stated earlier.” 

Liam nodded, that sympathetic expression coming back.  “Well, I’m sure you wrote stuff down.  And you were halfway through the sequel in the last update you gave me.”  He gave Harry an encouraging smile, “It might actually be good for you to go back and read what you wrote.  Get a new perspective.”

Harry shook his head, “I just don’t know if I’m ready for it.”

Liam looked heartbroken at the response, honestly.  It was if Harry had literally just kicked his puppy.  He took a deep breath, but didn’t have time to say anything before Liam was responding, sounding dejected and at the same time, like he was trying his best to be supportive.  “That’s alright, Haz…  Let me know when you are, yeah?  It’s best you start feeling better anyways.”  He paused a few very long moments, before, “How are things, by the way?”

He sounded oddly suspicious.  That was the first impression Harry got.  He made a noncommittal sound, shrugging, “They’re okay…  I’m mostly healed.  Physically, at least.  Just a few scratches and bruises is all.”

“Well that’s good!”  Liam was always so expressive, beaming brightly back at Harry.  Before he was back to his suspicious behavior, asking in what Harry assumed was his best nonchalant manner, “How are things with Louis?”

Harry’s brows furrowed slightly.  “Things with Louis?”

Liam sputtered for about two minutes, as if he _wasn’t_ the one who had just asked the question.  Before, “Uh, yeah, you know, is it like, you know, he’s your kids’ babysitter.”  A pause.  “Has he been helpful?”

Harry stared at Liam, trying to read his expression, though it was cleverly blank.  For once.  “Yes… he’s been very helpful.”  Harry wondered if Louis had told Liam about Harry being weird or inappropriate with him and that was why Liam was asking.  He reminded himself that anything inappropriate going on was merely in his own mind and that there was no way Louis would know what he was thinking.  He literally only touched his hand that one time.

So maybe that meant there _was_ something weird going on that Liam knew about.  Maybe something about the time before Harry had gotten into his accident.

Before he could accuse Liam of withholding information, and weed it out of him, there was a slight knock on the doorframe, before Louis was popping his head in, giving them both a smile.  Harry liked to see Louis smile.  “Liam, are you staying for dinner?”

Liam nodded almost immediately, probably glad that Louis had arrived to save his ass.  “If that’s alright.”

Louis looked to Harry momentarily, before answering for him.  “Yeah, definitely.  We can just order some pizza or something.”  He paused a moment, on his way out the door, likely to give them privacy again.  So that they could get back to ‘business.’  “Should we call Niall over too?”

Liam pulled his phone out, with a grin, “Already on it.”

 

Harry didn’t get Liam alone again after that, the kids running in to finally steal Liam away to play with them.  Harry and Louis joined their game of doctor, playing the patients while Laura and Paxton operated on them.  It was much less stressful than being in an actual hospital had been, even when Paxton jabbed him multiple times with the plastic thermometer.

When Niall arrived, seconds before the pizza, they all sat together at the dining table to chow down.  Having both Liam and Niall around at the same time brought back so many memories of their time in college.  And Louis fit into the equation so naturally.  Harry was pretty sure Louis could get along with even the dullest of people.  Laura and Paxton also fit in seamlessly, Niall and Liam clearly their favorite people ever.

Harry would’ve been jealous if they weren’t two of his favorite people too.  Like father, like children he supposed.

He wondered again where their mother was.  If she hadn’t died like his own mother had said, but was no longer with them.  What had happened?  Why would she have left such wonderful kids behind?  Unless her and Harry had divorced for something awful and he’d gotten a restraining order on her so she couldn’t see the children.  His imagination could go on all evening, but he decided he would get some answers from the three other adults in the room later that night.

Maybe, since his mother wasn’t there, and it had been over a week since the accident, someone would feel okay telling him what had happened.

He finally had the chance to ask after he’d put the kids to bed.  Louis had to leave to read to them, at their request, but Harry thought it might’ve been better that way.  He wasn’t sure how much Louis would’ve known about it anyways, since he was just the babysitter.  Or well, his friend-slash-babysitter.

When Louis left, and Niall and Liam started on another round of beers, he spoke up. “So… what happened to their mother?”

They both immediately flipped their heads to each other, much like Niall and his mother had done back at the hospital, exchanging undecipherable expressions.  He took a deep breath, rubbing at his forehead and leaning further back in his chair.  “Please, just tell me.”  He sounded drained, and perhaps it was that that finally broke the silence.

Liam, who was tapping his foot beneath the table.  “Umm, well… that’s kind of tricky to explain.”

His brows rose, and he took another sip from his drink, looking down at the top of the can and tracing his finger against the rim.  His brain was starting to throb in discomfort as he tried to pull back memories that just weren’t there.  “Tricky?”

“Yeah… You were, well, you were dating their mother.”  Harry nodded.  He watched Liam exchange another look with Niall before continuing with her name, “Cara.”

Harry processed the name over in his mind, though it didn’t ring a bell.  He paused only a moment, for them to get on with the story before he was interrupting.  “Okay?  And I slept with her?”  He was tired of waiting, it had already happened to _him_ , he just wanted them to rip off the Band-Aid.  He was also confused as to how that was tricky to explain.  It seemed pretty straightforward to him.  He did have two children snuggled under their covers upstairs waiting to be read to.  “Did we get married?”

Liam made a face, “Umm no…  And well I guess I should start by saying, Laura isn’t _actually_ yours.  Like genetically.”

Harry’s head was beginning to really spin.  He flicked his thumb absentmindedly over the can tab.  “What do you mean, she isn’t actually mine ‘genetically’?”

“Well, she was Cara’s first, like she already had her when you two started dating and after you were together for a bit, you ended up adopting her.”  Suddenly the reason why Laura didn’t have a lot of baby ornaments, unlike Paxton, made sense.

Harry took another swig of his drink, gears turning in his brain, cranking and trudging along slowly as they tried their absolute best to catch up.  “Without marrying Cara?”  It was now beginning to sound a bit trickier.  He didn’t think he would’ve adopted someone without marrying their mom first.

He glanced between Niall and Liam, though Niall was being uncharacteristically quiet.  Liam shrugged, offering him another sympathetic look. “Well I don’t really think you realized you had done it when you signed the papers.”

“How could I _not_ have realized?”

Niall cleared his throat, glancing down to the beer in Harry’s hand, “Think you were drunk.  Like really, really drunk.”  Harry frowned at him and then down at his drink, setting it back on the table to rub at his forehead.

“Okay… so apparently this woman I had liked enough to date got me drunk and had me adopt her daughter.  And then she got pregnant with Paxton?”  He didn’t even want to make an attempt at imagining what he had been thinking when he’d let all of that happen.

Liam was back to speaking.  Harry prepared himself for more bad news. “Umm, well… Actually she kind of left.  You and Laura.  Laura was just a bit under three years old then.”

“She left me?”  The more they spoke, the more Harry couldn’t possibly believe a word they were saying.  It had to have been made up.  Like it couldn’t actually have happened to someone real, let alone him. 

Of course Harry had never thought he’d lose his memories either, and well, that had happened.

“Yeah, and nine months later, well, Paxton showed up on your doorstep.  He actually is genetically yours.”  And that made sense as to why he had the characteristic Style’s dimples.  He still couldn’t believe what they were saying though, his mind exploding with questions and anger.

His brain like fire, burning up.  “You’re kidding.  I dated this woman?!  Who just abandoned her children like it was nothing?”  The steam left him as soon as the words were out.

Niall looked like he wanted to reach out to pat his arm, or soothe him somehow.  Harry felt like that opportunity had left them.  He didn’t open his eyes, from where he shut them in disbelief, when Niall spoke. “Cara had her issues… but you were gone for her, man.”  He waited a moment before completing the story in Harry’s mind, “And then you hired Louis around then...  You had a lot on your plate, you know.  With a toddler and a newborn.”

Liam flashed Niall a look after he’d mentioned Louis’ name, so quick it was clearly noticeable to Harry who had looked back at them by then.  And it immediately reminded him of what he’d been intending on interrogating Liam about earlier.  “Is there something you’re not telling me about Louis?”

Liam turned wide eyes on him.  A deer caught in the headlights.  Niall shared a similar expression.  Before giving a questioning, “No?” as if he thought Harry was crazy for asking that.  “Why do you ask?”  He seemed to finally get ahold of his facial expressions.  They had always been so obvious.

“Because, _this_ one,” he pointed to Liam, making him lose the color in his face and put his hands up to defend himself, immediately ready to make excuses.  Harry ignored him, continuing, “was being suspicious earlier.”  He didn’t mention that he himself had felt a strangeness between them when he interacted with Louis.  Or that he really wasn’t sure what their exact relationship was, how close of friends they were.

Niall was rolling his eyes at Liam, turning to Harry to put a stop to his accusations.  “Listen Harry, Liam’s a dunce.  He doesn’t mean anything by it.”  Liam was still trying to sputter an excuse, offended by Niall’s statement.  He couldn’t even manage that, Niall having to clap a heavy hand on his shoulder to get him to shut up. 

“You still haven’t answered my question.” 

They both looked over Harry’s shoulder when a soft, raspy voice asked, “What question?”

It took Harry a second to compose himself enough to turn around and look over his shoulder.  Yes they had just been caught talking about Louis.  And yes, Harry felt like he was back in middle school. 

Louis was looking between the three of them, a small crinkle in the furrow between his eyebrows.  His eyes stalled on Harry’s face last, his own expression not giving away any emotion.

“Just… Liam’s being weird, so like, just wondering why.”  Harry finally replied.  When he came to think of it, he was pretty crappy at not being obvious as well.

Louis nodded his head, before returning to his seat on the other side of the table.  The silence was palpable and obvious.  It finally broke when Louis cracked a small smile, Harry finally exhaling a pent up breath, “Well, Liam is a nutcase, so it’s understandable.”

Liam rolled with the change of conversation, replying, “Thought I was a lime, not a nutcase.”

The attempt at a joke had them all shaking their heads, “You’ll always be our lime, Liam.”  Louis replied, ruffling Liam’s hair.  He turned to Niall, also giving him a grin, “And Neil, well… you’ll always be my Neil.”

Harry frowned momentarily, even as Niall pretended to hate his nickname and Liam preened under Louis’ rays of sunshine.  He wondered why he didn’t have a nickname from Louis.  Louis had clearly only been introduced to Liam and Niall through Harry.  Which meant he’d known him the longest.  That meant, Harry should’ve had a nickname.

It took his brain a moment to remember why he probably didn’t have a nickname from Louis.  Because Louis was his children’s babysitter.  Right.

He needed to stop being so jealous.  It was just, where Louis was concerned, he couldn’t stop himself from feeling that way.  Oddly enough.  He didn’t know why that was.  But he didn’t really know a lot of things since his accident.

He merely exhaled a breath and joined into the more relaxed banter that was going on.  Bringing back memories of college and the mischief Liam, Niall, and he had gotten up to.  Louis seemed to already know some of their stories, but he still listened as they retold them, mixing in his own as well.

And it was fun, actually being able to recall memories and share in the experience and enjoyment of retelling them.  Being able to hear a little bit more about Louis was also really, really nice. 

Louis had graduated college right around the time Harry had needed him, and Harry had thought destiny really must’ve been at work.  Louis had been everything he’d needed, he’d even majored in Child Development, and because he’d been unsure what he wanted to actually do with that degree, he had decided to nanny until he could figure it out.

And apparently continue to be a nanny for three more years so he could continue to help Harry out.  He often found his focus zeroing in on Louis when he spoke, and when he laughed, and even when he would quirk his wrist or flick his fringe out of his eyes.  And especially when he would smile.

Louis was much more enjoyable to watch than Liam or Niall.  Even if Harry did have the last few years to catch up on with them too; hearing what they were doing and what had already happened with them.  The four of them ended up staying up very late into the night, and even a bit into the morning, until both Liam and Niall decided they really did have to leave.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For frame of reference, it has been two weeks since Harry's accident

Louis was sitting in Harry’s arm chair, feet propped up on the recliner part of it, looking comfortable with his socked feet pointed together.  He reached his arms above his head, pulling a face that screamed mild discomfort, when he had them up.

Harry watched the action, own feet still tucked under his blankets.  He’d struggled with getting up that morning and Louis had come in to see if he was alright.  Harry secretly loved the attention, even if he felt like he was being babied a bit.  “Is something wrong with your back?”

Louis tilted his head, lowering his arms back down.  “Oh, no… just a bit sore.”  He smiled lightly though Harry could still see the twinge in his expression when he leant forward to stretch his spine.

Harry leaned back against his headboard, contemplating Louis’ words.  Frowning a little bit before asking, “Is it the couch?”

He watched Louis shrug, “I’m just not used to it, I guess.”

That had Harry narrowing his eyes in confusion.  “How often did you stay over before?”

Louis sat up straight again, “Umm, quite a bit actually.” 

Harry continued to furrow his brows.  If that were true then Harry would’ve assumed Louis was used to sleeping on the couch.  Since that’s where he said he used to sleep.  “Huh.”

Louis wiggled his toes again, brows furrowing in his own suspicion, “Why are you ‘huh-ing’?”

Harry shrugged, with a listless, “No reason.”  Louis seemed unconvinced, but didn’t question him further.

Harry didn’t say anything either for a few long minutes, before exhaling a heavy breath and knocking his head back against the headboard.  Staring up at the ceiling in defeat.  He was going to stand up on his soapbox again. 

Harry had quickly learned though, after he’d had a particularly dreadful day that past week, that Louis was a great listener, and that he didn’t seem to mind at all when Harry needed to go on one of his tangential rants.  “I just want things to be normal like how they used to be, you know?”  Harry continued staring up at the ceiling, letting out a humorless laugh, “Except that I don’t even know how that was.”

He was feeling extremely bitter right then, and it felt like his words were a stream he didn’t know how to stop, after he’d broken through the dam.  “And it _sucks_ because I can’t even remember anything about my kids.  Or you.  Or what Niall and Liam have been up to the past few years.  Or my mom and dad for that matter.” 

He’d thought about it the night before.  Had thought about it a lot.  He had been making progress, knew a lot more than when he’d first woken up, but it all seemed so inconsequential.  He wanted all of the years he’d lost back.  “It’s just so frustrating.  I missed so many important moments.  I mean, when’s the next time I’m going to have a newborn in the house?  Probably never.  And certainly not my own.”

He glanced over to Louis to see his response.  He was giving him an understanding look, before a spark lit the blue of his eyes, momentarily.  A small realization.  “Wait right here.”  He stood up from the recliner to go into Harry’s closet.  Harry could hear him shuffling around.  He pouted in his spot.  He’d wanted Louis to rant with him, about how unfair the world was, not leave.

He returned a moment later with something in his hand.  He moved to Harry’s bedside table, reaching in to it so seamlessly, as if he knew where anything and everything was in Harry’s home, as if he’d been in Harry’s drawer plenty of times.  Harry wouldn’t have been surprised if he had been.  Harry’s apartment was just as much Louis’ as it was his.  He pulled out what Harry could see was a phone charger, connecting the dots when he noticed the phone in the cup of Louis’ hand, the screen smashed and looking worse for wear.

Louis sat on the edge of his bed and Harry scooted closer to him, to see over his shoulder.  “I don’t know if it still works…  I should’ve thought about it earlier, but you know, things have been a bit of a mess.”

Oh, Harry knew.  They waited for a few long seconds, before the signature apple appeared on the phone as it woke itself up.  Louis smiled and Harry watched the quirk in his lip with an extra fascination.  He knew he was imagining the warmth of Louis’ back and the fragrance of his skin, he wasn’t close enough to really feel or smell him.  He wondered if he would smell like cookies and cinnamon or something more citrusy like oranges, or fresh like mint.

Harry leaned forward, as discreetly as he could, to try and get a sniff.  He didn’t think that was weird, right?  He was a writer, he was just trying to get inspiration for his current project.  Even if he still didn’t know what it was about or how much he’d written.  Since he still hadn’t opened his computer.

He didn’t get the chance before Louis was turning to face him and Harry had to backtrack so quickly.  So it didn’t look like he was trying to be creepy behind him.  He sat up straighter, eyes blinking innocently at Louis who didn’t seem to realize he had just been doing something weird.

“I’d look at your videos.  There’s a bunch of clips there of Laura and Paxton.  I think a few of their first moments.  Or just special ones you wanted to keep.”  He smiled so genuinely and Harry immediately began feeling a little less hopeless.

He reached out for it with a small smile, taking it from Louis.  His hand was warm, and very soft.  Just like it had been before.

Louis got up after a moment, after Harry had his phone and it was lighting up with his wallpaper.  He put his thumb to the home button waiting to type in his password.  Louis had to help him with that too, informing him it was a very mature 6969.  He didn’t believe him until he typed it in and his phone opened, a bit of a blush coloring his cheeks.

Louis grinned at him, watching him for just another moment before getting up to go check on the kids, who were playing in the living room.  Harry stared at his retreating figure as he walked away.  He knew he should’ve been looking at the videos while he was alone, that it was ‘personal’ and he’d likely have certain things to work out in his mind while he did so, but he hadn’t wanted Louis to leave.

He sighed, the vibrations of his phone pulling his attention back to it.  There were a lot of messages and voice mails popping up, that Harry immediately ignored.  He didn’t have the time nor the energy to tell a bunch of people, some of which he probably couldn’t even remember, how he was doing.  It was emotionally draining and Harry didn’t want to have to go through it.

He glanced around all the apps on his phone, trying his best to ignore the cracks on the screen.  There were a bunch that he was sure he must’ve downloaded for the kids to play on, and he smiled lightly, before he found his Photos app and clicked it, going to the Videos section first.

It took him a few long seconds of indecision before he was clicking on one of them, somewhere in the middle of the list.

Louis’ voice was bright and clear through the speaker.  The camera shaky with his excitement where he held it in front of him, pointing it towards Paxton, who was standing next to the coffee table, using it to take steps.  “Look at you, Paxton!  You’re walking!  You’re doing such a good job, you’re daddy’s going to be so proud of you.”

Harry’s breath caught when Paxton fell back on his butt, and there was momentary silence on the camera, until Paxton’s tiny giggle could be heard and Louis was getting closer to him, with a soft coo, “Someone fell on their butt.”  He could see Louis’ hand reach out to grab onto Paxton’s, to pull him up to a standing position again.  The way he held his hand made Harry’s breath stall for another reason.  His heart skip a beat. “Smile for daddy.”  Paxton smiled and Harry longed for Louis to flip the camera screen around so he could see Louis’ smile too.

The video paused on his babies face and he flipped to the next video in his camera roll.  It looked like it had to have been one of Laura’s birthdays.  Harry wasn’t in the picture, likely the one holding the camera and Niall and Liam were there sitting at the table.  They were singing happy birthday as Louis brought in the cake to set down in front of his little girl.  She looked so completely ecstatic, starting to sing along with their surprisingly in tune rendition of the birthday song, blowing out her candles with one large gust of breath.

Watching little snippets of his children’s lives in the videos had him smiling and feeling his chest warm.  He had videos going back to when Paxton was a newborn and Laura was chubby cheeked and two years old.  They were the loveliest, sweetest babies, and Harry was so, so lucky to have them.  It might have only been two weeks since his accident, but he was sure he’d fallen back in love with his children the very first night.

He finished watching all of the videos, before watching a few of them more than once, grinning to himself as he did.  Louis’ commentary on a few was very entertaining.  He went to his camera roll after, to scroll back through his many pictures.  There were quite a few of him and Louis.  And an absolute ton of his children, a quarter of them blurry since apparently his kids enjoyed taking selfies of themselves with his phone, fingers inexperienced and camera out of focus.  There were an occasional few with Niall, Liam, and his Mom, Dad, Robin, and Gemma too.  And they all made Harry very happy looking back through them.

There was even two pictures, far, far back in the camera roll of him and a blonde woman, one with Laura sitting between them.  The woman looked very similar to his daughter and he surmised it must’ve been her mother.  He was surprised he’d saved any pictures of her if she’d really left him after everything they’d been through.  But he supposed he’d kept it because she was their children’s mother.  And if they ever wanted to know what she looked like, he could show them.

After he was done staring at a selfie of him and Louis sitting quite close together on the couch, he glanced back up at the ceiling, so, so grateful his phone hadn’t been completely smashed in the accident, even if it did have a number of cracks on its screen. 

He wouldn’t have known what to do if he hadn’t been able to get any of these treasures back.  Even though he wouldn’t really have known he’d had them if Louis hadn’t gotten him his phone… but regardless.  Each picture and video was so incredibly special.

It showed him times and events that he couldn’t remember, but it also showed him how unbelievably happy he must’ve been.  How loved he was, with his friends and family.

Looking through his phone, at all the memories he couldn’t quite recall, no matter how hard he tried, finally gave Harry the push he needed to open his computer up.  After two weeks without it.  He was pretty sure that was the longest stretch he’d ever gone without going onto it, ever since he’d first gotten a laptop back in middle school.

The screen began loading, and the swirl of the loading icon was like the sudden churning in his stomach, whirring and kind of making him feel queasy as he waited.  Nervous for the disaster of a forgotten storyline, disorganized folders and files, and horribly labeled documents.  He remembered what he’d been like in college.  He’d have to go back through every single document to even know what it was, and the thought tormented him.

His desktop picture popped up and it was another photo of him and Louis.  The sight of it made his heart clench up, as if he were being caught for doing something he shouldn’t have been.

Even though it was _his_ computer.  They were somewhere that looked like a shop.  Or a café.  Harry and Louis sitting close together and smiling sweetly at the camera.  Harry studied it for a while, the curve of Louis’ smile making Harry’s head pound as quickly as his heart was.

He took a steadying breath, to calm himself, and to prepare for what he’d find when he opened up his file folders.  He found his things surprisingly organized and he figured that was due to Liam forcing some organization upon him over the years.

The thought made his task seem just a bit easier and he began delving into his documents.  He couldn’t get through them all before he had to take a very long break, feeling satisfied, though his head began to hurt again.

Like a migraine induced through trying to force his brain to remember literally anything that it had forgotten.  He was in such a good mood though, from the videos and pictures, and reading a bit of his storyline-- which he was quite proud of-- that he decided to keep his computer away from him for the rest of the day.  He would dig back into it the next morning and continue the process from there.

 

It wasn’t until he was back in his room later that evening that his head was clear again.  Though his brain was tired.  The kids had been put to sleep an hour earlier, and he’d just spent the time since then with Louis on the couch.  They’d both been on their phones, Harry going back through all the video’s he’d watched earlier that day, since those seemed to endlessly entertain him and brighten his mood.

Louis had kept peeking up at him when he’d heard his own voice through the speaker, especially so when it seemed to just be his and there were no kids in the picture.  Harry had a few of them, where it was just Louis talking to the camera about something that Harry must’ve thought was funny enough, or lovely enough, to record.

He would get a bit pink-cheeked when he overheard himself babbling about something, but that didn’t stop Harry from listening and watching them with Louis right next to him.  In fact, it had almost egged him on.

Harry took a few steps into his bathroom, feeling the weight of his phone in his pocket.  He smiled at himself in the mirror.  He’d had a pretty good day.  And it was all because Louis had remembered about his phone.

He still wished he could’ve remembered something, anything, but still...  He was pleased with how the day had went.  He’d even been able to go on his computer and skim over a few of his previous works.  It had been very, very nice.

Thinking about his desktop picture made his head go fuzzy a moment as he looked at himself, vision spotting slightly.  He closed his eyes tight as a sudden wave of nausea washed over him, a sudden image flickering through his mind.  A soft laugh and a pretty smile, sheets warm and clinging to someone’s limbs; a familiar scent and an angelic voice murmuring quiet, sweet things.  It was unfocused, the flashes of color in his mind, words too indistinct to understand.  It was so utterly confusing and yet so evidently clear.

His brain was pounding methodically against his skull.  So much so he’d thought he was going to be sick.  When he’d breathed evenly enough times to know he wasn’t going to be, he moved on instinct, marching downstairs with a purpose heavy in the forefront of his mind.  His eyes fell on Louis, who looked up from his phone to give him a curious stare.

Harry grabbed Louis by the hand, pulling him up even as he lost balance and protested with a breathless, questioning, “ _Harry_.”  Harry grabbed him by the waist, hoisting him up and throwing him over his shoulder, before marching them straight back to his room. 

Louis’ hands gripped hard to the back of Harry’s shirt when Harry picked him up, as if afraid Harry might drop him.  Like that would ever happen.  Louis smacked a fist against his back, lowering his voice as they passed by Laura and Paxton’s doors.  “What are you doing?”  His whisper was harsh, a vulnerability lingering in its every quiet inflection.

Harry shut the door to his bedroom behind them, with a click, tossing Louis down on his unmade bed, arms immediately crossing as he stood over him.  Finally answering his questions with an accusatory, “Why’d you lie to me?”  His head was still throbbing against his temples.

Louis blinked back.  His shirt was ruffled up from Harry’s manhandling, his cheeks pink and mouth dry.  He licked over it slightly, voice a murmur, even as his brows knit together.  “Lie to you?”

Harry eyed him over, not uncrossing his arms or loosening the frown on his face.  “You sleep here.”  He lost an ounce of steam at Louis’ silence.  He didn’t really understand it either, but he pressed on, sounding less sure of himself, “You sleep here… on my bed.  I remember.” 

He pursed his mouth, suddenly feeling a touch nervous.  He’d just thrown Louis down on his bed.  He wasn’t even sure how many levels of inappropriate that was.

But he was sure of the feeling he’d had.  Of the flash of what must have been a memory.  A freaking memory.  Harry had _remembered_ something.  He would’ve smiled, and been quite proud of himself for his brain finally doing what he’d been trying to get it to do for so long.  If Louis wasn’t just staring back at him and masking any emotion he may have been experiencing.  And if Harry’s brain didn’t feel like a monster truck had just run over it multiple times.

He pressed on, even in the silence.  “I don’t know why you sleep here… I just know that you do… or did.” 

Louis tore his gaze away, looking down to the duvet by his side, near his hip.  Harry exhaled a small breath, thoughts clicking together, “I mean, it makes sense.  Of course, the couch can be uncomfortable, and bad for your back.”  He would’ve loved it if Louis would say something.  His voice quieted slightly.  “And I don’t need the whole bed to myself…  It’s big enough for two.”

He finally shut his mouth, still watching Louis’ expression.  Louis wore his mask of indifference well.

Harry was even more confused then.  He would have thought Louis would’ve been happy he had remembered something.  Unless Louis just really hadn’t liked it when Harry had grabbed him with no explanation.

Louis’ voice sounded, quiet and faltering as he spoke.  “You’re right, Harry… I did sleep here.”  He stopped his words when they began to quiver, and he blinked a few times, taking in a deep breath.  He wouldn’t look at Harry as he continued, sitting up slightly and messing with the hem of his shirt.  “I’m sorry for not telling you.”

There was a pause and Harry’s mouth blurted out a response.  “It wouldn’t have made me uncomfortable.”  He had wanted to get rid of the timidness in Louis’ tone, in his expression that had finally broken from its indifference, the frown on his lips.  Louis’ eyes flicked to his and it forced his heart to stall a moment. 

He continued, less tenaciously, “It won’t make me uncomfortable… if you stay now.  Like before.  You’ll probably get a better night’s sleep.”  He’d only added the last part for Louis’ benefit.  Harry _wanted_ to share his bed with him, as odd as that thought was.  He waited for Louis’ answer, invitation extended and nerves oddly building up in his fingertips, that tapped against the side of his leg.

He still wasn’t sure why Louis had kept the detail of their sleeping arrangements from him, even after Harry had said he’d wanted things to be normal like how they’d been before, that very morning.

But he continued waiting for Louis’ response anyways.  Until he finally heard a small, “Okay.” 

Harry’s lungs expanded, shoulders unlocking and loosening with the motion.  He hadn’t even realized how on edge he’d been.

Louis glanced away momentarily, biting over his bottom lip as he repeated, still just as unsure, “Okay, I’ll sleep here.”

Harry nodded, having to look away himself, having to take a step back so he wouldn’t do anything stupid.  His own voice was a bit uneven as he repeated Louis’, “Okay…” for a third time.

He moved over to his side of the bed, the one not being occupied by Louis, after turning all of the lights off, slipping beneath the sheets and the blankets.  He felt the duvet shift around slightly as Louis shuffled beneath them as well, in the silence left behind.

They were quiet for a very long time, both hyperaware of the fact they were lying a foot away from each other.

His tone was quiet when he asked, “Louis?”

Louis’ voice was just as small, when he asked back, “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for throwing you on the bed…”

Another breath of silence.  Before, “It’s alright, Harry.”  He sounded like he was sad, but like he might’ve been smiling, a small, soft thing.  If it weren’t completely dark in the room, Harry would’ve looked over.

He still did, turning his head to face Louis, and then turning his body as well.  He could imagine Louis was facing him too.

“Niall promised Laura he’d let her help around his bakery tomorrow…  And he volunteered to take Paxton too.”  Harry was still whispering.  And it was so random compared to what they’d been talking about before.  But Harry needed some semblance of normalcy.  Now that he’d somehow forced Louis to stay in his bed with him. 

He continued on, “Umm, I guess, that’ll be a nice break for you.  I suppose you have to head back to your, uh, apartment?  Or home?  Sometime…”  Harry forgot what Louis had told him.  But he was pretty sure it was that he’d left his apartment a while ago and had been staying back at his mom’s since.

“Oh, umm, I guess.  Yeah.”  Came his reply.  It was still noncommittal, still a touch sad.  And Harry hated the way it made his chest hurt.

Harry pursed his mouth, looking ahead, and pressing his knuckles into his pillow absently, “Unless… if you’d like to… I’m going Christmas shopping tomorrow.  If you’d like to come with me, I’d really enjoy your company.”  Christmas shopping because he still needed to get a lot of presents.  He didn’t know why it felt like his aching heart was suddenly in his throat.

Harry was sure that time that he could hear the smile in Louis’ voice. His sweet and tentative, “I’d really love to.”

Harry smiled himself, adding, “I’d really love for you to join me too.”  They were quiet after that, Harry smiling in the dark, and the sounds of his apartment lulling him closer to sleep.  The flutter of his chest kept making him blink his tired eyes open to look over at Louis.  Even if he couldn’t really see him all that well in the dark.  If he listened hard enough, though, he could hear Louis’ soft breathing.  And that was what finally soothed him into a quiet sleep.

 

“Daddy?”  There was a voice at his door, worried and sounding almost upset.  Harry wasn’t sure how he managed to wake up, but he did, sitting up with his head shifting unsteadily and his brain trying to piece itself together.

“Yes, Love?”  He looked towards the door where Laura was standing, still in her pajamas.  She smiled, at what must’ve been the term of endearment that had just slipped out, scurrying over to where Harry was, to climb on the bed and get a good morning hug.

Before her worried expression came back, and then disappeared once more when she looked over and saw Louis still sleeping beside them, turned in his sleep to face the opposite way, his hair mussed up a bit, in the cutest way.  “Oh…” she lowered her voice to a whisper, “I thought Louis had goned away.”

Harry shook his head, lowering his voice just like she had.  “No Laura, he’s just sleeping on the bed.  It’s better for his back.  The couch can be a bit stiff.” 

He made a slight face as he explained and she nodded along, “I know, Daddy.  Louis’ sleeped here before.”  She yawned wrapping her arms back around his neck.  He pulled her close, running a hand through her hair.  “Can I sleep with Louis tomorrow?”  She blinked sleepily and Harry chuckled, pushing her bangs back from her face.

“Well, I don’t think your bed is quite big enough for two people…”

She thought about that for a moment.  Before suggesting, “I can sleep here and you sleep there.”

Harry laughed again, placing a kiss on top of her head.  “Maybe.”  Louis shifted slightly, taking in a breath and curling further into the sheets.  He and Laura had both turned their heads at the action, wondering if they had accidently woken him up.

It didn’t seem like it.  But Harry didn’t want to risk doing so, wanting to let Louis sleep in for a bit.  He put his finger up to his mouth to indicate they should be quiet.  Laura repeated the gesture as Harry got up, helping her off the bed so they could sneak out of the room.  He went to check on Paxton, who was still fast asleep, face scrunched up against his pillow, before he was heading down to the kitchen with Laura at his side.

The sky outside was cloudy, indicating the potential for snow.  Or some very cold rain.  He stepped into the kitchen, wooden floor cool against his feet, “How about some cereal for breakfast?”

“Yeah!”  Laura beamed up at him, before she was rushing over to the pantry to grab the cereal she wanted.  She had to use the stool at the bottom to reach it, pulling down the frosted flakes.

“Good choice.”  Harry smiled at her before going to grab two bowls for the two of them and the milk carton.  “And after breakfast we can get dressed for the bakery.  How does that sound?”

She nodded as he prepared their bowls, having to shovel some of the excessive amounts of cereal she poured out back into the box.  After he’d poured the milk and watched her smoosh her flakes down, she took a big spoonful.  Talking with her mouth full, “I like baking, daddy.  I wanna be a pattesay.”

Harry blinked back at her, taking his own spoonful, and reaching for a napkin to hand her.  “A pattesay…?”  He was almost one hundred percent sure that wasn’t a word.

“Yeah Niall said!”  She scrunched her face as she repeated what she’d apparently heard him say, “A pattesay.  They make pastries.”  She stumbled over saying the word pastries, milk spilling over her chin a little.  She used her hand to wipe it up instead of the napkin Harry had handed her.

He pushed it closer to her hand, taking a few long seconds to try to decipher what she was trying to say.  “Do you mean pâtissier?”  Her pronunciation hadn’t been too far off in all honestly.

She nodded, using the napkin the next time she got dribble on her chin.  “I said that.”

He grinned, “I thought you wanted to be an astronaut?”

She made a face.  “I can do both.  You’re a daddy and a author.”

Harry laughed, not expecting that logic. Though it was true.  “You’re right.  I am a daddy and an author…”  He scooped another spoonful into his mouth, chewing slowly, “Where’d you hear that word?  Author?”  He was pretty sure that was out of her vocabulary range too.  Though he really wasn’t sure what they were teaching at preschool anymore.

“Lime.” Harry nodded, thinking once again that his children were very clever and very smart.

It was while they were finishing their breakfast that a sleepy Louis appeared in the doorway, grabbing his own bowl to have some of his own cereal.  Asking, sweetly, if Harry was planning on getting Paxton or if he wanted Louis to do it.

Harry left the two of them in the kitchen to go to Paxton’s room.  He wasn’t that surprised to find Paxton already awake and playing with his toys.  He had been doing that the past couple of days.  Harry picked him up, planting a few kisses to his soft cheeks, hauling him into the kitchen to get him his own breakfast.

After which, they all went to get changed and brush their teeth.  Harry gave Laura two French braids, so that they wouldn’t be in her way when she helped Niall. 

It didn’t take them long after that to make their way to Niall’s bakery.  The one he’d bought and fixed up after he’d graduated, and Niall had figured out, officially, that the corporate world was not for him.  “You recognize it?”  They were parked outside the building when Louis asked.  They’d been parked outside for at least a solid minute.  Waiting for Harry to initiate departure as he stared up at it with furrowed brows and a pursed mouth.

Harry shook his head.  It was cute, made of brick and pressed up close to a flower shop and a convenience store.  There was a sign outside with the name and a chalkboard leaned up against the wall with the pastry and drink specials written on it.  Harry got out of the car to help Paxton out of his seat, Laura unbuckling from her booster with an excitement only found in those young enough to still have it.  Or those who’d had extra sugar for breakfast.

The bakery smelled like sweets and soft dough when they entered.  Morning coffee and a sugary warmth that kissed at their cheeks when they came in.  Niall greeted them with grins and “Hello’s” from behind the counter and Laura was quick to find her way back there as well.

It was after looking around that Harry realized his computer’s desktop picture had been taken there.  The one of him and Louis sitting together and looking cozy.  He didn’t know how to feel about that.  But the word happy came to mind.

 

Louis and Harry spoke with Niall for a bit, helping Laura and Paxton into aprons, paying for a doughnut or two, even though they’d already eaten breakfast, and telling Laura and Paxton to be good.  Louis and Harry were soon escorted out the door by an oddly pleased Niall.

Louis was quick to pinch Niall’s nipple and give him a look that shouted ‘cool it’.  Harry didn’t ask, but he did consider it on the way back towards Louis’ car.

But was quickly and thoroughly distracted by Louis eating his still warm donut, getting cinnamon and crumbs all over his mouth.  When Louis noticed Harry staring, he sheepishly licked at his lips, ripping off a piece before extending it towards Harry, asking if he wanted some.  Harry really, really wanted to lean down and nip it from Louis’ fingertips with his mouth.  But he absolutely did no such thing, taking the offered piece with his hand instead.  Like a _normal_ person.

They’d told Niall that they would be shopping for a few hours, at least, and he’d told them, with emphasis, to take as long as they wanted.  Now that Harry thought about it, that comment had also made Louis give Niall the same exasperated look.

 

Harry really didn’t know what to get Laura and Paxton, and he was so glad he had Louis for the extra help.  He’d, thankfully, created a list of ideas on his computer before his accident and Harry had kept it in hand, on his broken phone, to look at periodically.  It also had gift ideas for Louis on it and they all seemed fairly different.  Martha Stewart Magazines was one of them and Harry wondered if it was supposed to be a joke.  He didn’t think Louis was much of a magazine reader, and especially not Marth Stewart Weddings.  A few other suggestions were a new wallet, clothing, concert tickets, a few movies.  Harry really wasn’t sure what to get him, but decided to buy the extremely cute Christmas socks he found when Louis wasn’t looking, that Harry thought would look adorable on him.

He felt so grateful, and wanted to buy so many things for Louis.  But he remembered how upset he’d gotten when Harry had overstepped his boundaries before, with the bonus check.  So he decided he’d just get him the socks and the concert tickets, that he had apparently already bought and were on his computer at home, and make him a holiday card.

He bought plenty of things for his parents and Gemma, for Niall and Liam, and both he and Louis bought a many, many number of gifts for Laura and Paxton.

For Laura, Harry got her a bike, a galaxy inspired helmet to go with it, baking supplies and a cookbook since she wanted to be a pâtissier, and a telescope since she wanted to also be an astronaut.  They also got her knee pads for her bike, books to read, and nail polish in the brightest colors they could find, that Louis was sure she’d like.

Paxton would also haul in an excessive amount of presents that year.  They bought him figurines from his favorite TV show, a toy that would supposedly help him ‘exercise his developing mind,’ a few more story books, a soccer ball to play with Louis with, a cute new outfit to wear on Christmas (with a bowtie), dinosaurs figurines, and Disney movies.

Harry couldn’t help it that he was being weighed down with bags of stuff.  He wanted to give his children and his family and friends everything.

During their raid of the mall, Louis stuck close to his side, the hallways crowded with other’s searching for the perfect gifts.  Harry enjoyed it very much, listening intently as Louis described what he and his family usually did for the holiday.  And what he planned to do for his birthday, which was on the 24th.  Harry stored that information away, keeping in mind that he had to get Louis a birthday present as well.

He also made sure to make a mental note to send flowers to the Tomlinson family for Christmas.  He’d been able to re-meet Louis’ mom, Johannah, on the phone and she’d sounded very motherly and very concerned when she’d spoken with him.  She was also terribly nice and funny.  Just like Louis was.

They’d ended up stopping for lunch in the food court and Harry found himself losing track of time almost completely.  Listening to Louis talk about this little thing and that, about his opinion on the food court serving a salad option being preposterous.

Harry’s chest was light and his cheeks were tingling from laughter and the soreness of someone who’d been smiling too much.  Louis was like a shooting star that Harry had tried to catch as a child.  Bright and sparkly, and fizzing with an uncontrollable energy, only seen by those looking up to the sky.

When they finally realized it was getting later and later in the afternoon, they grabbed all of their shopping bags and headed back to the bakery.

 

Laura and Paxton immediately showed them all of the treats they had helped create that day.  And Niall almost immediately told them about all of the sugar Laura and Paxton had consumed.  They were acting a bit wild, and way more hyper than usual, so Harry could’ve assumed.  But he couldn’t even be mad that they’d probably ruined their dinners.  It had been a productive day for all of them, and they still technically had a few hours left before they would eat again anyways.

When he began helping Laura and Paxton clean up Niall started talking about restaurants nearby that the four of them could go to for dinner, since Harry and Louis both had zero plans of cooking that day. 

The conversation about restaurants sparked a reminder in Harry’s head though.  As random as it was.  He had been going to see Louis at a restaurant when he’d gotten into his accident.  And he didn’t really know anything else about the situation.  He turned to Niall while he was holding Paxton’s coat out so he could put his arms in the holes. “Do you know where I crashed?”

Niall squinted his eyes at him, words about the excellent pasta dish he’d tried somewhere dissipating away.  “Yeah, I found out after you were sent to the hospital.”

It was a millisecond decision.  Came out of Harry’s mouth before he’d really had time to think on it.  “Can you take me back there?”

Niall was silent for a long moment before he was agreeing and Harry turned to Louis, who was looking back at him already.  With a small concerned expression.

“Are you going to be okay taking the kids home?”

His look of concern turned into a small grin, even as he rolled his eyes, “Yes, Harry, I _am_ their babysitter after all.  I think I can manage.”

Harry nodded.  Of course Louis could manage.  Louis probably could’ve taken over the world if he really wanted.  “Okay, good…  Thank you.”  He bent down to help Paxton put his mittens on next.  “I’ll be back in time for dinner.”

 

It was a little ways down, in a ditch off the side of the road and they had to get out of the car multiple times to even begin to guess where Harry’s car had ended up.  It seemed pretty obvious as they got closer to the bottom of the hill, what had stopped Harry’s car from tumbling further.  A tree, the one that he’d hit, scratched up on one side and leaning slightly, a few chunks of wood missing from its base.

Harry studied it, reaching out after a moment to feel the rough splinters beneath his fingertips.  It brought nothing back memory wise, which Harry had known was not likely to happen.  It hadn’t stopped him from getting his hopes up though, that coming back to where it had all started would revive his memories of that night.

They stayed for a few long minutes, Harry trying to process what must have happened.  If the roads were icy he could’ve slipped off them fairly easy.  Skidded down the hill and into the tree, jostling his brain enough to forget.

He exhaled a heavy breath, “Can we go see my car?”  He figured since they’d already gone to where the crash had happened, he should get the whole picture.  “Is it at a junkyard?”

“Yeah, should be...”  Niall mumbled, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck as he continued looking at the tree.  His face was pale and he was looking as uncomfortable as could be.  Harry was the one who had to start them back towards the road. 

Once they were on it, it wasn’t very long before they were pulling into a junkyard.

There was a few cars in a line, when Harry and Niall got out of their car a ways in, some completely smashed up and others with only a few dents and some rust.  Harry had no idea what kind of car he was looking for, what kind of car he had owned before the crash, so he just followed Niall’s lead.  Looking at each of them and imagining what it would’ve been like if he’d been driving them when they became the messes they currently were.

They weren’t peaceful thoughts.

When Niall finally stopped in front of a blue sedan, a few down the line, he shrugged towards it, “This is it.”

Harry looked it over, very quickly noticing the huge impression in its side where it had smashed into the tree.  The metal was all misshapen and sharp in odd places.

Looking at it really let the realization sink in.  Harry could’ve died that night.  If he’d hit his head just a bit harder, or he’d been on the side of the car that had collided with the tree.  He might not have made it at all.

His mind immediately began to wonder what would’ve happened to his kids.  They probably would’ve gone to live with his mom and Robin.  Or maybe Gemma.

His chest started prickling with unease, overwhelmed and uncomfortable.  He took a steadying breath, wanting to get his facts straight.  And stop himself from thinking about horrible, horrible things.

He turned to Niall, who also had a similar morose expression on his face.  He tried to keep his tone neutral and not shaken up like he was currently feeling.  “Okay… so I was driving to where, again?  One of those fancy restaurants in the city?”  He knew his mom had given him a brief explanation when he’d woken up, but it was fuzzy then.  So much had happened since his stay in the hospital.

“Yes, you were meeting Louis there.”

“And you were the one watching Laura and Paxton?”  Harry wanted to clarify.  Puzzle pieces trying to click together in his mind.

Niall didn’t respond for a few moments, as if wanting to think over Harry’s question again to see if he had any hidden agenda behind it.  “Yeah, I was watching them.”

Harry exhaled a breath.  “Okay, so it was like today then?  You wanted to play with the kids so Louis and I decided to get dinner…  Just to hang out?”  Harry was pretty sure he was trying to finish a puzzle missing most all of its pieces.

Niall nodded a bit slowly, eyes still on the car and mouth pursing slightly.  “Yeah...”

Harry was about to ask him why he really didn’t sound so sure, when there was another voice, a man in a workers uniform looking towards them, “Hey, you the owner of that car?”  He was squinting at them slightly, like his weary eyes needed a break.  He waited for Harry to nod, before he was turning around to go back into the building he’d come out of, mumbling behind him, “You left a few things in it.  Didn’t think you’d ever come back to pick them up, in all honesty.”

Harry and Niall exchanged a look when he disappeared.  Before Harry was blurting, “No one thought to check up on the car?”

Niall shrugged, “We were worried about _your_ ass.  Forgot about the car’s.”  He shrugged again, turning to Harry, “Well good thing we’re here now then.”

Harry nodded, thanking the man when he returned to hand Harry a plastic bag of items.  There were a few toys, a tangled pair of earbuds, an aux chord, a journal, a few things of loose change, pens, and a stack of CD’s inside.

He pulled out the journal almost immediately, recognizing it.  He’d written in it, a warmth flooding his fingertips at the memory.  He passed Niall the bag, to open it up and see his distinctive writing on its pages.

The journal must’ve been new, not many entries written in it.  Which was quite inconvenient for him.  But he’d recognized it, which made him so unbelievably happy.  Even if he knew he’d have to go back home and search for the previous journals he’d forgotten he’d had.  Not forgotten because of the accident, but forgotten because he honestly hadn’t thought about them with everything else going on.

He hoped his older journals would give him some insight into everything that had happened the past few years.

It was with the close of the book and a shake of his head that Harry let out a huff of laughter, “I should’ve realized I had a journal.  God, I’m an idiot.”  He turned to Niall, tacking on an explanation.  “ _This_ could help me remember stuff.”

Niall twisted his mouth into a line of skepticism that it seemed he was trying to obscure.  “Don’t get your hopes up, Haz…  You know there’s a low chance you’ll get all your memories back.”  Harry was only mildly surprised that optimistic Niall was not being so optimistic.  He could guess why though.  It was probably because the wreckage of Harry’s car was still sitting right in front of them and Niall couldn’t help but keep looking over at it with a frown.

Harry deflated slightly anyways.  He gripped his journal a bit harder, the tough cover hard beneath his fingertips.  “I know that… but I’ve actually remembered a few things.”  He doesn’t mention to Niall that he and Louis had shared the bed the previous night.  It didn’t seem right, it seemed like something Harry wanted to keep to himself and not share with anyone.  At least not yet.

The thought popped into his mind then, that his journal could probably tell him what exactly it was about Louis that didn’t seem to be clicking right.  It could tell him everything.  He felt like he’d just hit the jackpot. Found the key to unlocking his forgotten memories, that maybe hadn’t been completely lost forever.  Despite what Niall said, and what his doctor had informed him.

He took one last look at his busted sedan and the smash in its side, before turning back towards Niall’s car.  So that they could head back home to his family.


	5. Chapter 5

It was a few days before Christmas when Louis helped Harry pile the kids into the car to head up to where his mom lived.  Louis would not be joining them for the trip and Harry was a bit nervous to drive again, but the road conditions were fine.  And they had rented a vehicle for that very reason.  He couldn’t back out then.  Even though, Harry was sure, no one would blame him if he did.

He couldn’t remember the crash, so he wasn’t nervous about the actual driving part.  The only thing giving him anxiety was the thought that he could crash again and re-lose everything he’d only weakly grasped back onto.  And this time he had his children in the car.  He wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he hurt them, accidentally or not.

Which meant, that after they’d all said their goodbyes to Louis, with long drawn out hugs and kisses on the cheek for both Laura and Paxton, they were driving away.  Watching Louis wave back at them in the rearview mirror.  He would lock up the apartment, with the key Harry had given him a few years before, after gathering his things to go to his own home.

Harry tried to not let his kids sad moods rub off on him, though he himself was a bit worried about what it would be like not having Louis around.  He knew he would have his parents and Gemma to lean on if he needed their help, but it was still the first time he’d be without Louis since the whole thing began.

He tried smiling in the rearview mirror at Laura who was still frowning despite his best efforts, and sniffling.  She’d told him she’d wanted Louis to come with them, but Harry had been forced to remind her that Louis wanted time with his family too.  And that it wouldn’t be for that long.  He turned on the radio, his cracked phone plugged in already, to pull up her favorite Disney songs to play.  That seemed to brighten her and Paxton up just the slightest bit.

It did the same for Harry.  Except for when he remembered the last time they’d played the playlist with Louis in the car, and they had all sung along.  He ignored the thought, keeping his attention on the road instead, driving exactly the speed limit and no faster.

 

When they arrived at his mom’s, it was a few hours before dinner.  Gemma was already there, her car parked in the driveway, and she met them at the door, pulling Harry into a bone-crushing hug after she’d greeted Laura and Paxton.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t visit.”  She pulled back, hands still on his shoulders, “How are you doing?”

He let out a breath, giving her a weary smile, “I’m good…  Thanks, Gems.”

She nodded, though it didn’t look like she really believed him.  She stared at him for a few long seconds before pulling him in, “Well, close the door.  Don’t let all the heat out.”  He smiled lightly at the tone of her voice, as if she hadn’t been blocking his way in the first place.

He followed her in, dropping his bag by the door, just like he’d used to do when he came home from college.  He’d get it later, along with Paxton and Laura’s things.  He glanced over at his sister again, before commenting, “I like your hair.”  It was a platinum blonde color, which he hadn’t seen her have for a few years at least.  She had on bright red lipstick and a red shirt that made her hair stand out even more.

She gave him a small smile, “Thanks, Haz.  I’ve actually had this style for a while.”  There was a moment of awkward silence before she veered them down the hall where Laura and Paxton had already disappeared to.

He refrained from smacking himself, for not remembering, even though his frown grew a bit more pronounced when he responded.  “Right… Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s totally cool.  You can complement me as many times as you want.” She gave him an encouraging smile as they stepped into the living room.

He didn’t have to respond before Robin was greeting him from his seat on the couch, standing to give Harry a welcoming hug.  Paxton and Laura had apparently already given him their greetings, where Harry could hear them in the kitchen talking to who he could only assume was his mom.

Gemma left his side to sit back down where she’d apparently been sitting before, on the armchair, and Harry made his way into the kitchen to say hello to his mother.  Laura and Paxton ran past him in the doorway, to likely jump on Robin and Gemma again, chattering excitedly.  They were practically bouncing off the walls, excited to be at their Grandparents and for the holidays.

His mom pressed a quick kiss to his cheek when he came up to her side, measuring out a bit of milk to add to the dish she was making.  “How was the drive?”  She was one of the few people that knew he had been anxious about the trip.

He gave a noncommittal, “Good.  The kids were sad we had to leave Louis.” He could admit he was a little sad too.  He glanced over her work to see what she was making.  He smiled a little when he recognized the mashed potatoes.

She gave an understanding nod and hum after a moment.  “They’ve always gotten a bit upset when Louis isn’t around.”  She paused, adding a bit more butter, stopping her mashing after a moment to look up at him with a smile, “Is he still coming up to visit?”

Harry fixed her with a confused look, “Sorry?”  The question repeated itself in his head and the words were still just as unclear as they were the first time she’d said them.  Louis was supposed to be visiting?

He squinted his eyes a little and she seemed to bristle at that.  As if realizing she’d made a mistake.  He didn’t think it was about what she had in front of her.  “Oh, umm, well you’d invited him before, to come up.”

And that just confused him even more.  Because why would he have done that…?  It wasn’t like he often had friends over for the holidays.  And Louis loved his family so Harry couldn’t understand why he would want to cut time with them short.  Especially when he was always around Laura and Paxton and Harry anyways.

Harry blew out a huff of breath.  He just wanted to remember everything already.  He knew it was possible, he’d had a revelation when he’d remembered Louis slept in the same bed as him, and a few others since then, but he just wanted it all to come back to him.  He gave a little hum instead of expressing his frustrations.  “Louis didn’t tell me that…”

She waved it off, with a, “It probably just slipped his mind.”

He didn’t have much time to think on that, and why that didn’t even make sense because why would it _slip Louis’ mind?_ , as his mother quickly changed the subject, asking him how everything else was coming along.  And then asking him to help set the table.

It wasn’t until later that day, after he’d caught up with every one and had settled into the hectic nature of being at home with an energetic family, that he had a chance to think about it again.  They were all watching a movie on the TV and Harry allowed himself the chance to zone out. 

He supposed it made sense, Louis probably hadn’t wanted to re-invite himself over to Harry’s house for the holidays.  Especially since he had likely, correctly, assumed that Harry didn’t remember doing it in the first place. 

Harry couldn’t understand why Louis kept keeping things from him though.  Even after Harry had told him he wanted everything to be the same.  To be normal.  He wouldn’t have even been surprised if there were more secrets Louis wasn’t sharing.  He knew he couldn’t interrogate him, though, no matter how much he wanted to.  That could scare Louis away.  Even if it had kind of worked during the whole bed sharing debacle.

He allowed his poor brain to stop from thinking when he put the kids to bed, Laura sharing Gemma’s bed with her, and Paxton sharing with him.  They’d both gotten sad again when Louis wasn’t there to also tuck them in and read them bedtime stories, Laura more vocal about it than Paxton was.

He told them that it wouldn’t be long before they could all be together again, and that seemed to soothe their furrowed brows and little frowning mouths just the slightest bit.  Harry gave them both extra forehead and cheek kisses to help them sleep better.

The rest of the night Harry spent playing Scrabble with Anne, Gemma, and Robin.  They had an intense game and it was lighthearted and fun, even when their competitive sides came out.  Robin ended up winning, but with his effective use of a z-word on a Triple Word Score space, it was well founded. 

They all retreated to their own beds afterwards and Harry was glad to find Paxton already asleep when he got there.

 

The next day they went to see a new movie at the theatre, to have organized family bonding time.  Even though spending time together at home was family bonding time as well.  Harry was glad he wasn’t the only one who hadn’t seen it though, since he’d already had to catch up on other movies Liam was ‘appalled’ he couldn’t remember.  The bastard.

They also ate at a restaurant afterwards for lunch and it was so wonderful.  Being with his _family_ was so incredibly wonderful, even if he did think about Louis a few times a day, wondering where he was or what he was doing.  He loved seeing his children happy though, and being able to spend time with his mom, Robin, and Gemma.

He wasn’t sure when the last time was that they were all able to get together, but he was sure it must’ve been too long ago.

It was later that day when they put Robin in charge of the kids.  So that Harry, Gemma, and Anne could go to a Wine & Canvas, to drink and paint.  Robin took Laura and Paxton to a pottery painting place instead.

Harry had been worried at first that Robin would have trouble making sure they didn’t break anything, especially when he was on his own.  But Robin assured him that it would be no problem.  That he was used to him and Gemma being crazy when they were kids, even if they’d been a bit older than Laura and Paxton at the time.  “Children are children,” is what he’d said.

So Harry had let them go, and he was very happy to hear that they had had a great time afterwards and that Laura and Paxton painted remarkably well.  And were of course, on their best behavior.  Laura was excited for Harry to see the piggy bank she’d painted and Paxton oinked for emphasis.  Just like Louis had done at the hospital after Harry had woken up the second time.  Paxton had apparently painted his own piggy bank as well.

 

On Christmas Eve, Harry spent a lot of time in the kitchen, helping his mom prepare food for the following day.  So none of them would have to do much of it on Christmas day. 

Even through all the fun, Harry kept thinking back to Louis.  Wondering if he was having just as much fun as Harry on his holiday break.  He figured he was.  With his huge family and all of his lovely siblings.  Louis had told Harry about every single one of them when Harry had asked.  Harry didn’t doubt that he’d likely already met all of them when he’d met Louis’ mother and step-father before.  But he couldn’t remember and he’d liked hearing Louis talk about them anyways.

And because his mind kept reminding him of Louis, he couldn’t possibly forget his birthday.  Even though he’d left a reminder on his phone anyways, just in case.

He sent Louis a birthday text, and a voicemail call with Laura and Paxton telling Louis happy birthday in their most excited voices, before they ran through the entire voicemail time they were allotted trying to tell him everything they’d done.  Harry figured Louis must’ve been busy which is why he hadn’t picked up.  He hoped Louis was having the best time, and really letting himself relax during his break.  Since he deserved every wonderful thing.

That night, Harry set out the Santa gifts beneath his mom’s tree, after he’d distributed the other presents he’d brought from their apartment.  He’d hid Laura’s bike in the garage, but the rest were beneath the decked out Christmas tree, including the presents from Liam, Niall, and Louis.

He was excited for the next day.  Always felt a bit like a little kid, wide eyed and jumping at any indication of Christmas magic.  It was hard wrangling Laura into bed, but reminding her that Santa couldn’t come if she wasn’t sleeping quickly put an end to that.  Paxton was much easier to coax, tired out after his glass of warm milk and a cookie.

And the next morning _was_ magical.  As it always seemed to be.

Laura and Paxton tore through their presents.  Harry, Gemma, and their parents taking a bit more time to reveal their gifts.

Everyone was delighted with everything they got.  Laura tried riding her bike around the living room and that went about as well as expected.  Paxton loved his toys and spent most of the rest of the day playing with them.

It was Christmas and they were all happy, warm, and full of food—his mom stuffing them at every opportunity she got.  It was a wonderful day and, though Harry couldn’t remember his previous few Christmases, he knew that year had to have been one of the best.

 

The holiday only got better, the next day, when Harry glanced down at his phone, surprised to see Louis’ name flash up on the screen.  His heart immediately started beating faster, as he quickly tried swiping to answer.

“Hello?”  Harry’s heart was in his throat.  He didn’t know why he was so nervous.  Or excited to hear Louis on the other end of the phone.  It really had only been a few days.

“Hi.”  His voice was soft, lovely.  And he paused a beat, two, before seeming to think he had to clarify.  “Oh, umm, this is Louis…”

Harry smiled lightly, murmuring a moment later, “I know who you are.”

He seemed to let out a breath of relief, and reply, “My mother wanted me to thank you for the flowers.  She thought they were lovely.”  He sounded pleased even as he continued, “You really didn’t have to do that though.”

Harry would do anything to make Louis sound that delighted.  “It was no problem, I’m glad she liked them.”  He took a moment, to think of his next line of questioning while he listened to Louis’ even breaths.   It was so nice to hear Louis’ voice over the phone.  Raspy resonance reminding Harry of his apartment where they’d spent all of their time together.  He pursed his mouth, asking, “Did you have a good birthday?  And Christmas?”

“Yeah, yes.  Very much.  I got your guys’ message.  It was so cute.”  Harry knew Louis had gotten it.  He’d received a text in reply that night with well wishes, thanks, and kisses for the kids.  There was another beat of silence, and though Harry thought it should’ve been awkward in all of the quiet, it really wasn’t.   He was just too happy to be hearing Louis after so long.  “Also, thank you for your gifts.  And the card.  I really appreciate them both.”

Harry smiled quite largely, “You’re welcome.”

Another moment of nothing.  Before Louis was asking, a bit hesitantly, “Umm, those concert tickets…  Did you want to go with me?”

Harry immediately blurted out a, “Yes.”  The small laugh from Louis calming the slightly embarrassed flush on his face.

Harry was just about to ask Louis what else he’d been up to when Laura appeared by his side.  Eyes widening when she realized he was talking on the phone.  She visibly seemed to start vibrating, “Is that Louis, can I talk?”  He huffed a laugh at her reaction before nodding his head.  She looked so official, with the phone up to her ear, where she went over to sit back down next to Paxton, informing him that Louis was on the phone.  He didn’t seem fussed about it.  Probably not realizing what she meant.

She was smiling, chattering on about everything they had done so far and how much she missed him.  It was so, so sweet, and Harry couldn’t help but watch.  It was a while before she was pressing the phone up to Paxton’s ear and his eyes were lighting up when he, likely, heard Louis’ voice.

He responded to all of Louis’ questions, nodding his head at certain points, and likely not realizing Louis couldn’t see him.  It was precious and Harry’s heart felt so incredibly warm.  He couldn’t wait to see Louis again.

When Laura was done talking to Louis, she brought the phone back over to him.  Handing it off with a, “Here, daddy.”

He smiled down at her little beaming face.  “Thank you.  That was very nice of you to share the phone with Paxton.”

She nodded, continuing to smile up at him before she was disappearing into the kitchen.  Harry put the phone back to his ear, waiting a moment before suggesting, “You should come up and visit.”  Even though apparently he’d already extended an invitation before.  That didn’t mean he meant it any less the second time.

It was silent for an abnormally long moment and Harry wondered if Louis was still on the phone.  Until his voice came through the speaker, tentative when he replied, “Really…?”  As if he was wary about what Harry was saying, hopeful about why Harry would be suggesting it.

Harry suddenly felt like he was under a spotlight, with the very real possibility of messing up.  “Yeah…. My mom was asking about you.  And, well, the kids miss you.”  He considered just telling him that he missed him too, but he bit his tongue instead.  Would that be weird to say?  They _were_ friends though.

Louis was silent for another few seconds, before quietly, “I would like that very much…”  Clarifying a moment later, “But only if _you’re_ sure.”

Harry was already nodding before Louis had finished, like Paxton had done.  “I’m very sure, Louis.  I, umm, would also like you to visit...  It’s kind of odd that you’re not around.”  He let out a breath after he’d admitted it.  Louis didn’t seem horrified by his statement.  And it had been true.  Harry had gotten so used to Louis being there, and he was pretty sure he didn’t like it now that he wasn’t.

“Yeah, it is kind of odd.”  Louis replied, sounding happier then.  Harry smiled and they talked on, figuring out the logistics of Louis’ visit, even though Harry was sure those had already been discussed before as well, and he just couldn’t remember.  Louis accepted when Harry offered him the guest bedroom.  Since there were enough beds this time and he wouldn’t have to sleep on the couch, or in Harry’s bed with Paxton in between them.

Harry tried not to imagine that situation and be a bit disappointed that they _couldn’t_ sleep in the same room.  It wasn’t like they cuddled or anything back at his apartment, but he found he’d gotten used to hearing Louis’ soft breathing and feeling his little movements ruffle the sheets, every time he would turn over or tug sleepily on the blankets.

It was all very cute, and it helped Harry sleep better.  Even if it was a bit odd to admit.

Since Harry had the phone then, and Louis had told him that he wasn’t interrupting him from anything, Harry asked what he’d been doing for the past few days.

He listened intently as Louis went on about his family and all of the things that they’d done, and he in turn supplied his own little excerpts of activities he’d participated in.  Harry didn’t even realize how much time had passed while he was on the phone, until Louis had to go, for family reasons, and Harry realized it was almost time for dinner.  He could’ve sworn Louis had called an hour or two after lunch.

He went to go see what everyone else was doing around the house.  Feeling so much lighter, and very happy, picturing Louis being there with them.  About all the things they could do together.  With his family included, of course.

 

Louis’ arrival brought insurmountable joy to Laura and Paxton’s faces, as they scrambled to hug him and get their foreheads kissed when he showed up at Anne’s door.  Harry even pulled him into a hug, not thinking it was that strange.  Louis didn’t seem to mind, sinking into the motion.  Before Harry was removing himself to grab Louis’ bag and take it up to the guest bedroom.  Before he could think about how warm and soft and lovely Louis was.

When he came back down Louis’ hands were being held by Laura and Paxton each, but Anne was also there, her arm around Louis’ shoulders as if they’d just pulled back from a hug.  “I’m so glad you could come visit, Louis.”

He smiled back at her, swinging the kids’ arms slightly with his hands before looking back down at them, as if unable to help himself.  “Thank you so much for the invitation, Anne.”  He glanced around the hallway momentarily, being the perfect guest by saying, “The place looks amazing.  Did you get new trim?”

She beamed.  And Harry looked down at the hallway molding, wondering if he was supposed to have noticed such an inconsequential detail.  “We did.  I like it very much.  It just adds a little bit more to the room.”  It was a moment before she was pulling Louis further in to the house, “Gemma and Robin are somewhere, but they’ll be so glad to see you, dear.”

Harry didn’t think he would get as much time with Louis as he had originally thought.  It didn’t make him mildly pouty, per se, but if Gemma pointed it out later to him, when they were all chatting in the living room, he merely ignored her.

He loved that his family liked Louis as much as he did.  And that they seemed to know so much about him already.  He just wanted a bit of Louis time to himself though.

It wasn’t until after dinner, when they’d all split up to do their own thing that Harry got to have one-on-one Louis time.  He didn’t waste it.

They sat on the couch, facing one another, already dressed in their sweats and night shirts.  And they drank hot chocolate and talked.  And talked and talked.  Until he was sure everyone else in the house must’ve been way past dreaming.  He escorted Louis to the guest bedroom after they’d decided to call it a night, like the gentleman he was, and if he lingered outside as they said their goodnights, it wasn’t weird at all.

Even if it felt kind of like the ending of a first date, nerves pinching beneath Harry’s skin.  Their voices were soft when they wished each other sweet dreams and Harry waited for Louis to gently close the door between them before he even thought about going to his own bed.

He went to sleep with a much larger grin on his face than he’d had on Christmas morning.

 

The next day Anne decided she wanted them all to do something together.  Robin had to work, but the rest of them got on their winter gear and headed to the nearest ice skating rink.

The boots were tight around Harry’s ankles and the ice slick beneath his feet.  He was glad Gemma had Laura and Anne had Paxton because Harry was sure he’d fall over.  And he would’ve taken them down with him if they’d been holding hands.

He was wobbly, knees buckling every other second when he was sure he’d slide onto his rear.  He didn’t know if he’d tried ice skating at all in the past few years, but he could’ve assumed if he had, he hadn’t been very good then either.

It was a miracle he didn’t face plant when Louis came up behind him and almost tripped him.  At least that must’ve been his intention or he wouldn’t have been skating so close…  Harry may have been a little paranoid.  Louis just slid up next to him, grinning at him and offering a small, “You okay, Harry?”

He shook his head, hands flying out to his sides, to steady himself when the motion almost knocked him over.  Louis chuckled and Harry was about to pout at him for it, if it weren’t for Louis grabbing his gloved hand to help keep him upright.

“C’mon Mr. Scaredy Cat.”  He glided so effortlessly and he pulled Harry along with him.  Making sure to stay slow so not to freak him out anymore.  Harry would’ve been embarrassed that Gemma and Laura were skating laps around them, but he couldn’t be bothered when he was so focused on Louis’ hand in his.

At least Louis had effectively shifted the focus of Harry’s attention.  No longer on the possibility of falling on his ass, but instead on why it felt so comfortable, so nice to be holding Louis’ hand.  Even if they both had gloves on.

He tried his best to speed up the slightest bit.  So that Louis wouldn’t get bored going so slowly.  He was so happy Louis had agreed to come and visit.  And not just because Louis always seemed to help Harry out, no matter what the task was.  Raising two kids or helping him skate.

And he was sure by the time they’d lapped the ring twice, that he was getting much, much better.  He didn’t tell Louis that though, enjoying being able to talk with him.  About everything they hadn’t discussed before.  And being able to hold his hand, without a reason.  Since his lack of skating abilities was a good enough excuse.

The only time he let go of Louis’ hand was so that Louis could take the camera Harry had brought with him and snap photos of Laura, Gemma, Paxton, and his mom.  Since Harry was incapable of doing so unless he were to get out of the skates and off the ice.

It was inevitable that while Louis was taking pictures that Harry fell on his ass.  Louis made sure to get a picture of that too.  After he and Gemma had stopped their laughing, Louis much more discreet about it than his sister was.

Harry decided to take a break after that.  To rest his butt and take more pictures from the sideline.  Paxton joined him soon after, exhausted from skating, even though Anne had held him up in a standing position the entire time.

He removed his and Paxton’s skates and had the sleepy toddler help him get hot chocolates for everyone.  It _was_ getting close to his nap time.  And when the rest of them got off the ice to enjoy their drinks and warm up, Harry had a lapful of Paxton, who was asleep, with his cute little face pressed up against the front of Harry’s chest.

Harry loved when his kids wanted to cuddle and he drank his own hot chocolate, holding Paxton close so he wouldn’t startle awake.  Louis sat down next to him after a moment, and by design of the bench they were on, had to scoot closer, until their arms were pressed close.

Louis smiled over at him, reaching down to fix Paxton’s hat a little and thumb gently at his cheek.  Harry’s chest warmed at the action and he knew it wasn’t the hot chocolate.  Louis was always so sweet with Laura and Paxton.  And Harry was sure he loved it just as much as they did, because they were _his_ babies, and Louis treated them like they were his own.

They skated for only a little bit longer after that, until they were all piling back into the car to head back home.  Paxton only stirring a little before he was put down for an official nap. 

Laura refused to have a nap of her own, but ended up falling asleep on the couch anyways.

The next few days were similar to that and Louis stayed for the rest of them.  Until it was time for all four of them to go back home to their apartment.  They drove separately back, since they had two cars at his mom’s house, but arrived at about the same time, unpacking together and smiling and laughing together, easily unwinding from their trip.

 

It was when they had gotten themselves settled back into something of a routine that Harry started reading his journal.  That he’d gotten from his smashed up car.  He’d almost forgotten about it, but having it sit beside his dresser was an immediate reminder.

He went through it, taking the next twenty minutes to finish reading through his messy writing.  And, to his dismay, it had barely contained anything important.  Definitely nothing life-changing or revealing enough to enlighten Harry of anything he’d forgotten.  The only interesting tidbits were on his relationship with Louis.  Though it was so vague it was no better than how Niall and Liam had been acting around the subject.

He needed his older journals.  He knew he must’ve had them.  There had been like ten entries in the one he had just read.  And that hadn’t helped at all.

He tried to think, wondering where he would’ve put them.  They might’ve been at his mom’s house…  Which he’d missed out on getting if they were.  But he really didn’t know, though.  They could’ve been in a box hidden somewhere deep in the apartment that Harry had no idea about.  He wasn’t sure.  What he was sure about was that he was too tired to go looking for them.

He decided a quick nap was in order.  But first, he would make sure everything was okay and that Louis didn’t need any help with the kids.  He was again, so, so grateful for him.

When Louis gave him the okay, he returned back to his room, with Paxton in tow so he could take his nap too.  Thinking back to his journal, and the mysteries it held, for as long as he could before promptly falling asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The days are ticking down!!! Only 9 more until my besties b-day! WOOO!!! ^o^

Harry was sitting with Paxton in his lap after dinner, the Disney movie about Rapunzel playing on the TV in front of them.  They were both enraptured.  Harry, himself, having likely already seen it before didn’t remember, and Paxton… well apparently he could watch it a hundred times over and still love it.

They were getting near the end and Harry was wiping away the tears in his eyes as the evil Mother Gothel fell out of the window.  The scene changed soon after, back to Rapunzel and Flynn Rider, telling her she was his new dream and that had Harry even tearier.  He glanced down to see Paxton’s expression, stoic as ever.  He would’ve laughed if he could’ve done so without making a choking sound.  He cleared his throat, dabbing at the corners of his eyes with his knuckle.

He let out a bit of a pathetic chuckle when Flynn said he had a thing for brunettes.  Harry also had a thing for brunets.  And then they were kissing and Harry wanted to kiss someone.  He was much lighter and happier than ten seconds before, squeezing Paxton a bit tighter in his lap and sniffling lightly.

And then Rapunzel and Flynn were back at the castle and Harry’s heart swelled.  She was going to find her parents, she’d remembered them and she was going to have a family again.  The minor similarities between himself and Rapunzel lodged themselves somewhere in his tear ducts and he rubbed at his eyes to get them out.  He had forgotten his family too.

Flynn being pulled into the family hug warmed him further, but also made him want to let out a sob.  It was too much and Harry was weak when it came to Disney movies.

He was delighted by the wedding, chuckling to himself.  Paxton was still expressionless and he started bouncing him slightly on his legs when the ending credits and song began playing.

They had lived happily ever after.  They’re dreams came true and they had gotten married.

It was the wording that had stuck him, though.  That Flynn had said Rapunzel was his dream.  The words had latched onto his subconscious.

His dream…  The rest of the room and his senses grew into hazy focus just like they had before.  He’d remembered hearing those words before.  Had said them, sometime.  To himself, repetitive, under his breath as he held something in his hand, velvet and smooth.  When he opened it there was a flicker of light slipping off the object inside and he shut it again, reassured it was there.  He repeated the sentences again, along with others.  Pieces of them coming back to him.  _I am beyond words… you are the loveliest…_ A break in his voice, heaviness weighing his chest, his brain, his lungs, his heart.  _You inspire me and make me, Laura and Paxton so incredibly happy… will you make me the happiest man in the world, Louis?_

The words caught in his throat, on his tongue.  His breathing unsteady as he tried to pull it back from where it was drifting away.  The memory.

His chest felt tight.  Suddenly anxious and his mind scattered.

“Dada?”  Paxton was looking up at him, from where he’d apparently been trying to get down.  Harry loosened his grip enough for him to do so, mind still blank and everything heavy like a thick fog had filled the room, cloaking his every sense and his core.

Paxton gave him another movie he wanted to watch and Harry put it in, before moving rather robotically up the few steps and down the hall.  Synapses in his brain were breaking, clicking, falling into place.  Falling into disarray.  He could hear Louis and Laura talking when he passed by Laura’s bedroom.  He wasn’t sure what it was about, but the sound of Louis’ laugh sent his brain spinning again.

He wasn’t sure if he was going to be sick, but that heavy fog still permeated the air and pressed down against his gut.  He took a few steps into his room, skin hot.

And he stopped.  Counted his breath, once, twice.  Until he snapped.

Like a flurry, a tornado, his heart storming like one had touched down in his bedroom.  He took a few steps forward, pulling each of his dresser’s drawers open, almost yanking them off their tracks, to shove his clothes aside, check near the bottom of them.  Looking, searching for the answer to the question in his mind.

Anywhere, it could’ve been anywhere.  Hidden since he hadn’t found it yet.

He moved to his closet next, checking in every corner, each shoe in case he’d thought it a smart idea to hide it in there.  He felt like he was burning up, on fire and unable to concentrate on anything except the box he was looking for.

He was growing frustrated, mouth dry in the flames, skin hot on his fingertips, as he poured out his jewelry box onto his bed.  He was banging around, leaving a wreck, a mess of his room.

It had to be there.  It had to be.

He knew because he’d remembered.  Had remembered picking it out, the band that gleamed and shined extra bright.  It had been the prettiest one, and only one person had been in his mind as he’d looked it over.  The way he would imagine he would smile when he saw it.  The woman behind the counter had complimented his choice and told him his significant other would love it.  He’d known he would; had been so sure.

Harry went back to his dresser, ripping the clothes from their folded beds.  He was going crazy.  He needed answers, he needed to know he wasn’t wrong.

“Harry.”  Louis’ voice, his beautiful voice, broke Harry from his madness, for only a moment.  A calm second, as he shut the bedroom door behind him, so as to shield Laura and Paxton from seeing their father have what Harry would consider a breakdown.  If they were to come looking.

Harry turned on him then, tone hard, voice breathless.  “You saw it didn’t you?”

Louis’ gaze, that had been scanning the mess on the floor flicked to him at his tone.  His brows were furrowed and he stood up a little straighter, mouth parting on what had to be a question.  Harry didn’t let him respond.  The fire raged, and Harry continued, “You knew.  And you didn’t tell me.”

Louis looked lost and Harry almost didn’t blame him.  Almost.  He was throwing around accusations, and Louis had no idea the chaos currently wreaking havoc in his mind or in his heart.

It was like a constant stream, his head pounding.  His mind continuing to filter in memories, thoughts… Louis and him sharing smiles, holding hands alone at the cinema, experiencing their first kiss, outside Louis’ house, with the kids’ asleep in the car in the driveway.  The warmth of the skin of Louis’ lower back, soft in the early light as they whispered good mornings to each other and curled closer beneath the sheets.

Harry’s chest felt tight and he blurted against the ache in his temples, “Did you not feel the same?”  He felt his throat close up after he’d spoken the question, voice shaky and tight.  As if he hadn’t meant to ask, to lay himself bare in front of Louis like that.  He was losing his mind.

Louis stared at him like he was just starting to realize what Harry was talking about, and simultaneously like he’d just been punched in the gut.

His mouth parted again, then closed, when he looked away.

Harry’s heart hurt.  His mouth going dry.  Voice quieting with the thoughts running rampant in his brain.  “Where is it?”  His fingers twitched, tightening, taught and strained against his palm until they loosened, limp at his side.  “The ring?”

Louis took a few steps closer to him, finally speaking up.  His voice shook, frail and weak, trying to hold on for so long.  “I did feel the same way.”  His mouth pulled together and he stopped when he was a foot away, when he whispered, broken, “I still do.”

Harry’s heart paused a beat, two, too long.

Louis didn’t step forward again, took a step back instead, turning to hide his expression, reaching up to touch at his face, at his eyes.  Harry wondered if he was crying.  His heart ached harder at the thought.  The storm had just become a downpour.

Harry moved closer, arms closing around Louis’ waist, before he could move any further then that one step.  “I-I’m sorry.”  Louis seemed so small in his arms, he held him closer.  Louis’ shaking form pressing back into him.

His words were laced with tears.  Muffled by his hands, covering his face as if that could make them stop.  Words coming out in a rush, in a breath, “I have the ring… it had been on you when you got into your accident.  I wasn’t supposed to know.  I h-hadn’t known you were going to ask me.”

Harry’s chest clenched and he did the only thing he could think to do, turning Louis around so he could hold him tighter.  So Louis could cry into his chest and use him, any way he could, to feel better.  Since Harry was the reason everything had gotten messed up in the first place.

“Why didn’t you tell me we were dating?”  He asked, tone strained.  When the silence was too much.  He needed to know.

Louis took in a heavy breath, body shifting against the inhale, shoulder’s a tight line.  His voice was coarse, “I thought…  I d-didn’t want to force you.  You already didn’t know about Laura and Paxton.  I-I didn’t want you to feel like you had to be with me too.  Like it wasn’t a choice.”  Another steadying breath, Harry continuing to run his hand down Louis’ spine, pulling him closer.  Leaning in to press his nose against Louis’ feather soft hair. “Just helping you felt like enough at the beginning.  H-hoping you’d remember me.”

Louis had to pretend when they were together that they never had been, had to hold himself back so he wouldn’t freak Harry out.  Though Harry could understand the sentiment, it upset him to know he was making everything worse for Louis.  He didn’t want to hurt Louis.  He glanced down at him, from where his attention had gathered at the floor.  “I don’t want you to be alone anymore.”

Louis took in a shuddery breath, with a soft, “Okay.”  Harry pulled back the smallest bit, so he could look down at Louis’ face and his still damp cheeks.

Harry watched him for a moment, reaching up to brush a strand of hair back behind his ear.  Louis leaned into the touch, just the slightest bit.  As if he was unaware of the action.  Harry felt a bit more confident, resting his palm against the side of Louis’ face, to brush his thumb against the wetness beneath his eyes.  The action seemed to make Louis’ breath stall.  “Tell me everything, okay?  No more secrets.”  He was serious, even as he continued to stroke over Louis’ cheeks, his skin so very soft beneath Harry’s touch.  “Even if you think it’s for my own good.”

It was a moment, but Louis nodded, letting slip out another quiet, “Okay…”  He pressed his mouth together after, glancing away from Harry’s eyes.  Their faces had ended up a bit closer than Harry had intended.  He exhaled a shaky breath when Louis took a step back.  “Do you want the ring?”

Harry nodded slowly, watching Louis glance back up to him, head still bowed towards the floor.  As if he was embarrassed by his behavior, by his tears.  “Let me go get it, then.”

Harry waited for him, wondering if he should’ve followed after him instead.  Heart still pounding heavily against his ribs.  Louis’ lingering warmth still thrumming against Harry’s arms and his chest.

When Louis reappeared, he handed Harry a small velvet box and Harry didn’t waste any time opening it up.

It was just like he’d remembered, and that flooded him with an ounce of relief.  Louis seemed more relaxed, looking at the ring, the crying having done him well.  Harry closed it after a moment, going to put it in his jewelry box, even where it was empty from his freak out earlier.

“Let’s go to bed.”  He sounded weary.  Everything that had happened that day giving him plenty of reason to be exhausted.

They put the kids’ to bed, mostly quiet.  Though they entertained them in their conversations, smiling softly and placing little kisses on their cheeks and foreheads and tucking them beneath their blankets.

When they both made their way back to Harry’s room, and picked up the jewelry from his sheets, they got into bed.  Harry was fully intending on having Louis start telling him things about their dating life, but looking at Louis’ face, Harry knew that wasn’t going to happen.

He looked tired, the tears likely zapping a bit of energy from him as well.  He gave Harry a small smile after he’d laid down, and Harry followed suit.

All of the lights were off except the lamp on Harry’s bedside table, and even with it on, it didn’t take long before Louis was falling asleep, and Harry continued to study his face.

He was so unbelievably beautiful.  And he’d _dated_ Harry.  Harry used to _kiss_ him.  He glanced down to Louis’ lips, pink and pretty in the soft light of the bedroom.

Harry shut his eyes as well.  Though his mind kept flipping back to the reminder that Louis was there, sleeping only a little over a foot away.  And that they’d used to date, that Harry had been intending to propose to him.  They had probably used to cuddle too.  Harry’s arms felt heavy in a way that indicated he wanted to reach out and pull Louis close again.  No matter how weird that would be for Louis who was sleeping.

Harry refrained, rolling over onto his other side to hopefully actually fall asleep.

Except turning over only seemed to make him consider whether, if he hadn’t forgotten everything, Louis would have scooted closer to spoon with him.  He wondered if Louis was the big spoon or the little spoon.

He took a deep breath, eyes opening to see the time.  It was nine.  It was still very early.  He stared unfailingly at his alarm clock, for almost an entire hour.  He was physically tired and still, he couldn’t get himself to sleep, his mind continuously going back to Louis and everything he’d learned.

He reached out for his cellphone eventually, where it sat next to his lamp, the screen still cracked.  He’d finally managed to get back to all of the people who had called him before, and to answer all the emails and texts he’d missed while he’d been at the hospital.

He opened his photos back up, scrolling absentmindedly until he landed on the Christmas ones that his mother had sent him.

And that made him pause.  His mother…  She could answer questions for him.

The city they lived in was in a different time zone from where Harry was.  Meaning she would still be awake.  Harry sat up, checking to make sure the movement didn’t wake Louis up.  He continued to sleep, his eyelashes pretty and soft against his cheeks.

Harry leaned back against the head board, stretching his neck slightly and dialing his mother’s number.

He waited for it to ring, once, twice, until his mom was picking up.  A smile already in her voice.  They exchanged pleasantries and his mom asked him how he was.  Which was the perfect segue into his main reason for calling, besides just checking up.  He didn’t ease her into the topic.  “Mom… why didn’t you tell me about my relationship with Louis?” She made a chirping sound at that, like a surprised chicken, and he battled on, “You must’ve known.  About me wanting to ask him to marry me.”

There was a long stretch of silence, and when his mother answered, she spoke tentatively.  As if thinking over each of her words before saying them.  He was surprised she wasn’t immediately interrogating _him_ on how he found out and why he was asking _her_ that and likely what this meant about his current emotional well-being.

“I did know about you wanting to propose.”  She took in a large breath, “But, I let Louis decide what he wanted to do.  And he wasn’t sure he wanted you to know you’d been dating…” Another, smaller pause.  Harry could imagine his mother pursing her mouth, a wrinkle between her brows, “I’m still not quite sure on his reasons, but I respected his choice.  Figuring he’d tell you eventually.”

It was Harry’s turn to exhale a breath, “Can you tell me, then?  How I was going to propose?”  He was assuming he’d told his mother, out of everyone, the most detailed account of what his plan was supposed to be.  He had to remember to ask Liam and Niall the same question later.

And he was not disappointed when she started, “Well, you were really nervous…  You’d been talking about it for a long time, but you weren’t sure when to do it.  I didn’t think you’d wait so long, but in hindsight, you two hadn’t really been dating for all that long either.”  He listened intently even as his mother prattled on, “You said you were going to give it to him for your one year anniversary.  And I’d been expecting a call after you’d done it, to tell me he’d said yes, so I really hadn’t been expecting the call I actually got…”

He couldn’t even get himself to apologize for worrying her.  “Did I have a speech written?”  That seemed like something he would do.  Over prepare so he wouldn’t mess up what he was going to say.

There was a light laugh on the other end, “Mm-hmm, it was sweet.  I can’t remember exactly what you said, but you mentioned Louis’ eyes in it somewhere.  You had always been very poetic.”

He laughed, a bit hopeless, a bit in disbelief.  How something like his accident could’ve happened on the day of his, apparently, one year anniversary with Louis was beyond him.  He’d been on his way to propose to his boyfriend and had instead lost all of his memories of him and their time together. 

The universe really must’ve thought that was funny. 

Anne hummed, before asking, “How’d you remember, dear?  Did Louis tell you?”

He put a hand up to his forehead, closing his eyes.  “Um, no, actually Paxton was watching one of his new DVD’s.  One Louis got him… Tangled.  The one about Rapunzel.  Well in the last scene there’s a wedding and I don’t know, I just kind of remembered stuff.”  Eloquent.  Really, he was a writer for a reason.  “Not everything, of course, but enough apparently.  For me to draw some conclusions.”  He skipped over telling his mother about his train wreck of a breakdown in his room.  Figuring she didn’t need to hear about his wild search for the evidence of his failed proposal.

She hummed, growing thoughtful, “The mind is a very fickle creature… It’s really amazing how it can regenerate your memories.”  There was a pause, before she was adding a bit more chipper, “I’m so happy you’re starting to get them back.”

He let out a breath.  “Don’t get too happy mom…” It felt like he was warning himself too.  “You know what the doctor said.  I may never get all of my memories back.  He was skeptical I would remember anything at all.”

“I know, darling.  But it’s the little things, isn’t it?”  Harry thought about Louis’ laugh, about getting to hold Laura’s hand and cuddle with Paxton.  He gave a small smile of his own.  Sometimes Harry thought his mother was much too wise.

He moved his hand down to rub lightly at his shoulder, agreeing, “Yeah you’re right.”

“Are you going to start dating again?”  His brows went up at her question.  He hadn’t really thought about that, if he were being honest.

Harry was silent for a few long seconds, looking over to Louis’ angelic sleeping face.  His voice quieted, “I don’t know… I’m not sure how Louis feels, but I think I’d like to…”

She sounded ecstatic through the phone, “That’s great honey, you should ask him.”  He momentarily thought about it, feeling his inside’s light up with moths, as if they were drawn to the flame of his fluttering heart. “And there’s no rush, Louis is such a lovely boy.  I’m sure he’ll support you no matter what you decide.”

“I know…” his voice quieted even further as he continued, growing a little sheepish, “He loves me, you know.”

She gave a soft laugh, “He really does.”

“I feel like I might love him too…” He felt like it was true even after he’d said it, surprised that he wasn’t embarrassed in the least.  “Even if it’s only really been a month.”

She gave another chuckle, “I seem to recall you saying something similar when you had first hired Louis.  I had chalked it up to you being relieved to have the extra help with the kids, but I had definitely been mistaken.”

It made him smile, to think he’d fallen for Louis so quickly the first time too.  Maybe it was just a Louis thing.  To set his trap up and make Harry fall for him, no matter what happened.  Pull Harry to him like a meteor to the Earth’s core.  Like magnets.  Or pen and paper and the moon to the sun.

Harry reached out to brush back some of Louis’ bangs.  He gave a quiet, “Yeah,” continuing to speak to his mother for only a little bit longer.  Running his hand through Louis’ soft hair and brushing the backs of his knuckles against his cheekbone.

Louis was so pretty and dainty, and yet so strong.  Harry never wanted to leave his side.

He hung up with his mother after a while so he could lay down, slowly so as not to jostle Louis, sliding in next to him and continuing to leave the lamp on behind himself so he could study Louis’ face a bit closer.  The way his lips parted on each breath and his lashes fanned out gently against the sleeping shadows on his cheeks.  Louis was beyond beautiful.

Harry reached forward after a moment to trail the pad of his finger across the soft redness of Louis’ lips.  It was that touch that seemed to make Louis stir slightly, a sweet little furrow taking over his brow as his mouth puckered in sleepy confusion, in a dream.

Harry bit down on his smile, withdrawing his hand.  The tingling against his fingertips didn’t go away, even in the morning.


	7. Chapter 7

Harry still hadn’t decided how he would approach the Louis situation, but he was saved from making any drastic decisions by his children taking up more of his energy than usual.  They were restless, stuck in the house during the colder days.  Laura, was much too excited to start going back to preschool, even if it was for only half day periods.

Most of Harry’s brain power was being used up by flashes of memory coming back to him.  He’d been remembering a lot more things.  Small things, nothing as big as his attempted proposal to Louis, but they were something.  It was the little snippets of conversation with Laura or Paxton or Louis that made him the most happy.

It was exhausting though.  His brain was tired of dredging up recollections that Harry had never thought he’d get back, and his body was tired from the bitter cold and the normal tiredness of running after a toddler and preschooler on a daily basis.

So to say he didn’t have a lot of time to pursue something with Louis was an understatement.  He did think about it though, when he’d remember a little tidbit about Louis that he’d lost or when he and Louis would be in bed and mumble sleepily to each other.  Playing rock, paper, scissors for who would wake Laura up to get her ready for school, while the other got to sleep in a bit longer and stay in the warm apartment with Paxton.  Harry thought Louis really _should’ve_ been the one to do it, since he _was_ the babysitter.  But Harry enjoyed hearing Louis’ sleepy persuasions way too much to say anything.  In all honesty, Harry would’ve volunteered to take Laura everyday if it meant he got to allow Louis to stay in _his_ bed a little longer and snuggle beneath the blankets that were starting to smell like them.

He of course wouldn’t tell Louis that.  Some things a man should keep to himself so as to not come off as too desperate, and perhaps a touch creepy.  Harry didn’t know what the rules were for the situation they were in.  All Harry did know was that the smile Louis would get every time Harry told him something else he had remembered was worth any amount of desperation Harry felt.

He loved Louis.  That fact became more evident the longer they were together.  The more time they spent watching after Laura and Paxton as a team, and talked like the closest of friends.

They had only just started getting a bit more intimate.  Harry didn’t want to rush them and Louis, it seemed, did not want to rush Harry either.  Which meant it probably wouldn’t have been wise to tell Louis that he loved him.

No matter how obvious he thought he was being.  They hadn’t held hands or anything, but their hands did seem to brush more often than before.  They were also more open to allowing their arms to press against each other’s, when they sat together during a movie.  Or when a strand of hair would fall across one of their faces and they wanted to push it back behind the other’s ear.

Overall it was all rather slow, even though each small gesture still made Harry feel alight with warmth. 

It had only been a week since Louis had admitted that they had been dating, and Harry wanted to touch more, but he could wait.  He was drawn to Louis, had been since the beginning and he just wanted to curl around him, or up in his arms and never let go.

But, he reminded himself, there was no rush.  And he did not want to weird Louis out.

 

It was Tuesday when they got the call.  A reminder from Niall that he would be throwing his annual “Don’t Let the Holidays Die” party, which he apparently always threw in January on the cusp of everyone’s holiday hangovers.  He had started it a few years back with the reason that he wasn’t done partying yet and that he had gotten so used to overeating and overdrinking that he just couldn’t stop.

They made arrangements for Laura and Paxton to stay with Anne and Robin for the night so that both Louis and Harry could go to the party.  Niall was very excited to see them together again, as a couple. Harry didn’t bother to correct him over the phone.

And as far as Harry was concerned, that was still the case.  Or would be once Harry got the nerve up to ask Louis on a date-date.  For then he could have a practice round, going to Niall’s party together.  Maybe he could put some moves on Louis then.  Without the kids around.

With their plans figured out, and a tentative strategy forming in Harry’s mind, the rest of the week passed relatively quickly.

It was in the car on the way to his mom and Robin’s house when Laura finally brought up her concerns about Louis and Harry going to Niall’s party.  Harry turned to face her from the passenger’s seat when he heard her voice ask from the back seat.  “Daddy?  How come we can’t go to Niall’s party?  Maybe Paxton can’t cuz he’s too small, but I’m old now.”

Harry knew _immediately_ how he could change the subject.  So that she wouldn’t be disappointed about not being able to go too.  Harry looked at her little rosy cheeks, bitten from the cold outside and the bit of snot clinging to her nose.  He reached into the dashboard to hand her back a tissue.  She blew her nose when he asked her, “And how old are you exactly?”  He already knew, but he also knew Laura loved to tell people just how old she was.

She smiled extra big, holding up her glove covered hand to practice her rehearsed, “Five and three fourths.  But I’ll be six in three months.”

Her fraction was a little off, but Harry gave it to her anyways, smiling with a nod.  He took her dirty tissue back when she handed it to him, stowing it in the cup holder for later removal before continuing his distraction technique.  Acting surprised, “Is it really?”  He paused, reaching up to tap his chin.  He could see Louis smile out of his peripheral vision.  Paxton staring at his face in solemn curiosity.  “Well what in the world are you going to do for your birthday?  It’s coming up so quickly...”

That seemed to remind her of something very important.  “Birthday party!  Can school friends come and Lime and Niall and Grandma and Grandpa?”  Paxton looked to her as if trying to keep up with the conversation, before turning back to the toy cars in his hands and making exploding noises as they vroomed through the air.

Harry grinned, “Of course sweetheart.  Do you want to pick a theme?”  She nodded her head a few times, turning her attention out the window to think.

Before, “The Little Mermaid.  I wanna be a pirate.”  She looks so decided at that.

“An astronaut, a pâtissier, _and_ a pirate?”  Harry’s daughter was so ambitious, and frankly, he loved it.  “That sounds wonderful, Laura.  Which friends do you want to invite?”

She started listing off people and Harry had to look to Louis to see if he knew who she was talking about.  There were a few names he recognized, that she’d mentioned a few times after he’d picked her up from school, but a few he couldn’t recall.

Louis seemed to know what was going on.  And they continued talking about it, Paxton joining in to tell them what he wanted to do for his birthday.  Even though his wasn’t for at least half a year still.  Laura was less fussed that they were leaving her at her grandma’s house after that.

 

Niall’s party was tamer than Harry had expected.  Just a lot of adults mingling throughout the apartment, the lighting in the living room dimmed to set a relaxing mood, with plates of snacks and desserts set off to the side.  There was also alcohol, lots of alcohol.  Which hadn’t come as a surprise.

Harry and Louis had gotten their drinks together and had then split up, talking to different people and saying their hellos to Niall and Liam when they saw them at varying intervals throughout the evening.

Harry was having a good time, was on his second drink, a punch that Liam had made and was quite fantastic, skin buzzing slightly and smile wide.  He was speaking with one of Niall’s friends who had come up to talk to him, though he was a bit distracted with Louis on the other side of the room, and found himself looking over at him quite often during their conversation.

Louis was at the center of attention again, smiling brightly and showing the room just how beautiful and wonderful he was.  Thought that might have just been Harry’s bias.

He was speaking animatedly with someone, a drink in his hand and a gorgeous scrunch to his nose every time he smiled.  A thing that only occurred when he thought something being said was particularly funny… or cute, or delightful.

Harry’s eyes slid over to the man talking to him, whose back was to Harry.  He seemed to be awfully close and was probably grinning back and being charming or something.  Harry had read enough romance novels—hell, he’d written enough romantic scenes in his life to know what was happening.  Louis was likely seducing this man by being the gorgeous, sweet, sexy and flirtatious being he always seemed to be.

And he probably wasn’t even trying.  It seemed to be a natural state of Louis’, to be the most desirable man in any given room. 

Again, maybe Harry was biased.  Either way, he had a massive crush on his children’s babysitter and he didn’t know what to do about it.

Harry turned back to the woman who had clearly realized he wasn’t listening and had stopped talking.  She was looking in the same direction he had been, taking a sip of her beer.  She glanced over at him after a moment, pointing towards Louis, “Is he your boyfriend?”

Harry flushed at the assumption, scratching awkwardly at the back of his neck.  It was different when Niall assumed they were together, than a complete stranger.  He wasn’t too sure how to respond to her so he said, “kinda…” in absence of anything else to say.

She nodded as if she understood why he was being hesitant on agreeing.  Even though she very clearly did not.  “You should go over there.  You look like you miss him.”

He wasn’t sure how needy of a person he had to be to miss someone he spends practically all of his time with, but she was kind of right.  He did miss Louis.

He gave her a small smile and an apologetic, “Thanks,” for giving him an out from their conversation.  He was convinced that Niall had some pretty cool friends. 

Except for the one currently putting a hand on Louis’ hip after being jostled from behind in the overcrowded space.

Louis clearly noticed, if the way his eyebrows shot up and his eyes looked down to the action was any indication.

Harry immediately made his way over, stepping up to Louis’ side and slipping his arm around the back of Louis’ waist to push the guys’ hand off and settle his own there instead.  Pulling Louis slightly closer into his body.  That felt really good.

The way Louis relaxed into his side felt even better.

Harry looked down to see Louis already smiling up at him, eyes sparkling.  And it didn’t take long for the guy to leave after that.  With the excuse of having to call his girlfriend.

Whatever.  He had totally been flirting with Louis.  And now he couldn’t because Harry was there.  With his _hand_ on Louis’ _waist_.

Harry turned his attention back to the angel at his side, smiling like a man who had just won a gold medal.

Louis looked back at him, so soft in the light.  He felt so soft against Harry’s side.  His breathing quiet and skin warm.  He blinked and his lashes caught in the light like butterfly wings.  His eyelids golden and pretty.  Blue eyes so sharp and calm, warming Harry’s insides like he was striking a match and lighting the kindling in Harry’s stomach.

Louis’ cheekbones were pronounced and his cheeks were a light flushed pink.  He snuck his own arm around Harry’s waist a moment later, pulling him closer in a little squeeze, a half hug.

Before he was pulling back, out of Harry’s hold.  But not too far.  Turning instead to stand in front of Harry, a light smile on his face.  He was beautiful.  And Harry’s hands twitched with the need to reach out again and feel him beneath his fingertips.  To know that he was real.

It felt, then, like it had in the hospital that morning he’d woken up.  Except in Louis’ gaze wasn’t sadness like before.  There was a sweetness there, a sparkle of hope that swept Harry’s insides up and left them coated in sugary syrup, and honey.  Gooey and sticky soft.

Harry spoke, voice quiet in opposition to the buzzing of chatter around them.  Like a soothing blow of wind in a field of cicadas and wildflowers.  A reprieve from the rays of sun painting everything in a drowsy yellow.  “You know, when I first woke up, I thought you were an angel.”

He paused a moment, letting the words settle into the trickling stream of Louis’ gaze, in the soft pink of his lips when he parted them in a beautiful, much too beautiful, smile.  His fringe was swept off to the side of his face, and his blinks were quiet and imploring.

Harry continued, words still just as quiet, for only Louis to hear, “I still think you are.”

That reddened Louis’ cheeks more and he pressed his mouth together, to hide his smile.  “If I’m an angel then what does that make you?”

“A very, very religious man.  In fact, so religious, I’d worship you every day.”  That made Louis’ cheeks darken further, even as Harry clarified, “Well, I’d worship you and other angels every day… but, mostly you.”

Louis exhaled a little laugh.  The sound was the chime of bells against Harry’s heart.  “You’re a poet, Haz.  A true writer.”  And it was the first time Louis had called him by a nickname.  Harry’s heart melted and his smile grew even bigger.

“Are you charmed?”

Louis grinned, waiting a moment before murmuring, “I am.”  Harry watched Louis with affection, chest warm like he was wrapped up in the largest, softest blanket.

“Let me take you on a date.” The words had slipped out before Harry could fully realize what he was saying.  He didn’t take them back though, even if that wasn’t how he had meant to ask.

Louis stared up at him, differently from before, an expression of surprise on his face.  Just as shocked by Harry’s statement as Harry was himself.  His brows were lifted and it was darling, only a second passing before he was back to smiling and blushing.  Which Harry thought was one of his best looks.  “Yeah Harry.  Yes.  I’d, umm, love to.”  Before a moment later he was asking, “Are you sure?”

It made sense that he was tentative, and uncertain.  What with the way their relationship was at the moment.

But Harry nodded with vigor, sincerity coating his every word so Louis would know he meant it.  “Nothing would make me happier than going on a date with you, Louis.”  He let his sentence drift off after, unsure of how far he should go in his reassurances.  How much to give away.  He stared down at him for another beat, before admitting, “You mean so much to me.”

And that was when Louis began his own reassurances, with a beautiful smile growing on his lips and his words coming out in a whisper. “You mean so much to me too.”  The statement reminded Harry of when Louis had said he still loved him.  It seemed to do the same for Louis who reached up to mess with his fringe, as he mumbled, “And I want this to work between us.  Like it had before.”  He turned a tentative gaze up to Harry.  To see his reaction.

Harry’s chest swelled slightly.  What Louis wanted was exactly what Harry wanted too.  He reached forward to squeeze at the hand Louis didn’t have holding his drink, murmuring, “I want this to work too.”  He was so glad they were on the same page. 

He asked about their date next, “This next weekend?  Saturday?”  He was sure he sounded as giddy as he felt, his heart jumping for joy in his chest, and inevitably banging its head against his ribcage.  He was perfectly fine with that.

Louis laughed again indicating that Harry likely did sound very ecstatic.  His smile was starting to hurt his cheeks, especially when it grew the tiniest bit larger at Louis’ nod.  And their continued hand holding.

Louis dropped their entwined hands down to their sides, swinging them slightly.  The action made Harry’s chest feel twelve million times lighter, stomach swooping pleasantly.

They continued through the party like that, by each other’s sides and hands tied together.  Mingling with anyone who cared to come talk with them.

Liam and Niall didn’t seem surprised when they saw them together.  Or they did a very good job at hiding it when they spoke.  Harry could see their smiles brighten and their eyes continuously look down to his and Louis’ clasped hands though.  So perhaps not that good at hiding it. 

And both of them squeezed Harry extra tight and gave him heavy pats on the back when they hugged him goodbye later that night.

Harry felt overjoyed, even on the ride back home where he and Louis talked about their friends and the party.  And then what they were going to do for Laura’s birthday, even if it was a whole three months away.  It was her sixth, though, which meant they had a lot of planning to do.

Louis seemed to have the same thought, going into detail about how they’d celebrated Laura, Paxton, his, and Harry’s birthdays for the last three years so they wouldn’t repeat anything.  Harry was a little disappointed they hadn’t done anything special for Louis’ birthday that past year, like they’d done before.  Since Harry obviously didn’t know that was a thing they did.

But Louis didn’t seem to mind, reminding Harry that his own birthday was fast approaching, and then asking if he also wanted a Little Mermaid birthday party.

That sparked a laugh from him and a shake of his head.  A chuffed, “I couldn’t possibly steal Laura’s theme idea.  There’d be no creativity in that.”  He thought for a moment, before saying, “Maybe I’ll have a Tangled theme.  I liked that movie a lot.”  He didn’t mention that it was what had helped Harry realize they were supposed to be getting married.  He imagined instead how delighted Laura and Paxton would be to help Harry blow out his candles on the Tangled birthday cake he would get.  And then Paxton’s expression when he would get to play with the figurines that would’ve inevitably been on top of it.

Louis laughed, “You going to grow out your hair again?  Like Rapunzel’s?”  He paused a moment, glancing over to look at Harry’s face. “I’ve only seen how long it was in pictures of you from when you were back in college.”  He grinned before tacking on, “You were a real stud.”

It was Harry’s turn to chuckle lightly, reaching up to pull a hand through his curls.  “Maybe…  Did you like the way it looked?”  He was probably a bit too invested in Louis’ answer.

Louis nodded, not taking his eyes off the road even as he continued to grin, “Absolutely.  You looked so confident and happy… and umm, sexy with your hair long.”  Louis’ word choice momentarily popped Harry right over the head and disoriented him.  Louis had thought he was _sexy_.  He met Louis’ eyes, saw his playful smile, and heard his slightly more serious, “But I do love all your hair lengths, Hazza.”

Harry definitely liked the nicknames and the reassurances.  He hummed in response with another, “Maybe I will grow it out then…”

Harry’s mind kept playing back to Louis’ raspy, soft voice saying “sexy” over and over again in his head.  He had definitely liked it when Louis had said that.

 

When they were back at home they were both pretty exhausted from Niall’s party.  There was no denying it, they were getting old.  Maybe not _that_ old, but certainly old enough.  Harry had _kids_ for heaven’s sake.

And as old people, they pretty quickly got themselves ready for bed.  Harry momentarily considered texting his mom to see if Laura and Paxton were okay, but he figured she would’ve called him if they weren’t.  It was just, that was the first night for Harry that they weren’t sleeping in the same place.  He realized he was probably overreacting, that they likely had spent time without Harry before, but it didn’t matter.  He was still concerned.

He even _knew_ it wasn’t their first night sleeping over somewhere else.  They were supposed to have stayed over with Niall the night of Harry’s crash.  When he was supposed to have proposed to Louis.  That thought brought a small blush to his face, wondering why it was that he and Louis would’ve wanted an empty apartment to come back to.

He was glad Louis had just turned off the lights so he couldn’t see Harry’s guilty expression and ask him what he was thinking about.  He would’ve refused to tell him anyways.

Harry turned on his side to face Louis after a moment.  He wanted to be closer somehow.

He listened to Louis’ little sigh, saw him blink up at the ceiling in the dark of the room, a singular street lamp trying to bring its light in through the crack in the window’s curtain.  But barely managing it.  Only enough for Harry to see the silhouette of Louis’ profile.  He wondered if Louis was awake because he was thinking the same thing Harry was.

It had felt so natural earlier that day.  To just pull Louis close and keep him there.  He wondered if he could do the same, then, with them lying in his bed together.

He wondered if it would it be uncomfortable for Louis, if he would try to pull away.

Harry figured there was only one way to find out.  He reached forward, rustling the sheets beneath his hand.  He pressed the back of his knuckles against the soft skin of Louis’ arm.  And Louis shifted, almost immediately, dislodging Harry from the point of contact to turn and face him.  Grab Harry’s hand lightly with his own and offer him a sleepy small smile.

Harry took the invitation for what it was, scooting even closer and keeping his eyes on Louis’, even as Louis stroked along Harry’s knuckles and the back of his fingers, opening his hand to press their palms together.

Harry stopped moving closer when their knees bumped beneath the blankets.

Louis’ touch was distracting and Harry was unable to stop from blurting in a quiet whisper, “Am I still the little spoon?”

Louis seemed taken aback by that before he was breaking into a grin and a laugh, hand tightening around Harry’s with his every snicker.

Harry pushed on, feeling like he had to explain himself, “It’s just, I remember in college, I always liked being the little spoon, but like, if you’re the little spoon then okay, I can just uh, re-get used to it.”  Louis was still grinning, eyes getting all crinkly in the corners.  He was so beautiful.  “I mean I have no problem being the big spoon.  Especially with you.  Like I’d like to hold you too…”

He was being embarrassing and could not stop his mouth from spouting out his every thought.  Louis finally responded, thankfully, before Harry could say anything else.  “Well, umm usually we switched off.  But you have always loved being the little spoon so that’s what we tended to do more often.”

Harry thought this over for half a second, before asking, “Do you like being big spoon?”  It was important to Harry that he know what Louis liked too.  He didn’t want to be selfish if they were going to cuddle.

Louis’ next words made him blush again, “I like holding you, yes...”  He added on, “You’re squishy,” when he poked at Harry’s love handles beneath the blankets, making him jerk back with a tiny laugh.

He loved Louis so, so much.  And he just wanted to hold him and be held at the same time.  And to never have to ever let go.  He tried to reign in his sappy thoughts, grinning, “Hey… we can’t all stay in shape after having children.”

Louis smiled back, with a fond shake of his head.  “You do realize you weren’t actually the one who gave birth to them?”

Harry couldn’t stop his smiling, as he moved closer again, and squeezed at Louis’ lovely hand.  “Regardless, I used to be very fit.”

“You’re still very fit.”  The statement made a quieter smile work its way onto Harry’s face. 

His stomach kicked up again, when he let out a mumbled, “Why thank you.”

Louis was watching him fondly, before rolling his eyes, with a faux exasperated, “Now will you turn over already?  I have a job to do.”

Harry squeezed Louis’ hand one last time before flipping over.  Which was a good thing so that he wouldn’t have leaned forward to kiss Louis’ very tempting mouth.  He reminded himself that it wasn’t the right time for first kisses.

He felt giddy again, light.  Heart rate picking up when he could feel Louis get closer, arm slipping over his waist and chest pressing up to his back.  Their hands found each other again, resting against the sheets and entwined close to Harry’s front.

He was warm.  And so comfortable.  Turning his face into his pillow, where his cheeks were flushed and butterflies clocked in overtime in his stomach.  Especially when Louis nuzzled his nose into the curls at the back of his neck.  Harry could feel Louis’ breath there, calming and slow.  His pulse trying to match it’s even pace.

Louis squeezed him just a bit tighter after a moment of silence.

Harry’s voice was quiet when he murmured, “Goodnight Louis.”

Louis’ was just as low and sweet when he lilted out his own, “Goodnight Hazza.”

Harry closed his eyes at that, focusing on their points of contact.  Feeling like it was their first time cuddling together, even though the soft hush of memories whispering above their heads reminded him that it wasn’t.  It wasn’t the first time and Harry hoped it wouldn’t be their last.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy almost birthday to my boo. There will never be enough happy birthday wishes in the world for you. So I'll just continue to repeat myself on here! :)
> 
>    
> And thank you to everyone else who is reading for all of the support and the amazingly nice comments! I'm super glad you're enjoying the read!

Harry’s parents were the best.  The absolute best.  They’d volunteered to take Laura and Paxton again, for the entire weekend, which meant Harry and Louis had two full days and two full nights alone together.

Harry was beyond grateful.  At least, he was after he’d gotten over his initial apprehension.  Especially seeing as his parents had already watched Laura and Paxton the two weekends before when Harry and Louis had gone to Niall’s party.

His mother had informed him that his worrying was for nothing though, and that she loved having her grandkids over to spoil.  Her excuses of not getting enough time with them anyways were a pretty effective way of making Harry no longer feel bad about relieving himself of parent duty for a few days.

And Harry loved being a dad.  It was probably his favorite thing to be.  But at the same time, he would not be taking his opportunity for a mini-vacation for granted.

He was sure Louis must’ve felt similarly, even though he had gotten off for his birthday and the holidays.

A break was a break, and Harry hoped it would be a good one.

 

Relaxing, on the other hand, it wasn’t shaping up to be so much.  It was Friday night and they’d just dropped the kids off and had dinner with his parents and Harry still had no idea where they would be going on their date or what they would be doing.  He’d been thinking constantly for a date idea that would wow Louis and make him feel like the most important person on the planet.  But had yet to come up with anything at all.  Not even a search through Google had given him any ideas.

To say he was stressing about it was an understatement. 

He’d fortunately had the chance to find the rest of his journals packed away in a box in his childhood bedroom and he planned on pouring through them when Louis was asleep later that night.  To see what they’d already done together so there would be no repeat date attempts.  And after he did that he would inevitably call Liam at two in the morning, waking him up, to freak out at him about the fact he still wouldn’t have been able to come up with anything.

The decision for what they should do would be made later that next morning after Harry had caught a few winks of sleep.  He could see it then.  Exactly how it would pan out.

That, at least, relaxed the tension in his shoulders a fraction.

He would spend time with Louis until then.  Which Harry was very excited for.

When they got back to the apartment they decided upon watching a movie, cuddling on the couch, with Harry’s arm slung over Louis’ tiny shoulders.  It was so unbelievably nice.  Louis leaning into his side as they watched the movie play out on the screen, apartment silent without the pattering feet of a toddler and the chattering sounds of a preschooler.  It was just the movie, and their breathing, in time with one another’s.

Harry found he couldn’t really focus on the movie when thoughts of their date were lumbering around in his mind, what they would do.  And he was sure Louis had noticed, if the way he kept glancing at his face was any indication.

Harry probably hadn’t laughed at something funny.  He turned towards Louis when he noticed him looking.  Louis had his lips pursed in question and his head tilted back against Harry’s shoulder.  Harry gave him a small smile, running his hand soothingly over Louis’ upper arm.  That seemed to relax him enough to turn back to the screen.  After he’d pressed a quick kiss to Harry’s shoulder.

And _that_ was new.  Harry could feel his skin tingling beneath his t-shirt.  He couldn’t believe Louis had just kissed his arm.  He was going to die.  His heart was rabbiting in his chest and his eyes were wide, now on the screen in attempts at chilling himself out and figuring out what was even going on.

It wasn’t working.  He pulled Louis tighter to him, his body warm and pliant in his arms.  And he was effectively ruined from being able to focus on the movie _or_ think about what they would be doing for their date.

And then the movie was over and they were shuffling into the kitchen for tea and cookies.  He was sure he was making the same stressed expression he’d had on during the movie, if Louis’ answering suspicion and curiosity was anything to go by.  After Harry put on the teakettle and Louis was done setting out their teacups, they faced each other.

Louis asked him about the movie, and it was so obvious Harry had no idea what he was talking about.  This, instead of making Louis fondly exasperated, had him giving a soft smile and coming over to run his hand comfortingly down Harry’s arm.  “Are you worried about our date?”

And Harry’s eyes bugged out, because was he that obvious?  Or did Louis just know him that well.  He warred with himself on admitting to it when it was literally the day before their date or if he shouldn’t to save face and not look like he hadn’t been thinking about it all week.

He let out a breath, and gave a curt head nod.  It felt like it’d been coaxed from him by the soothing action of Louis’ hand against his arm.

Louis continued giving him that lovely smile.  “Don’t stress about it Harry.  Just getting to go out at all is nice.  We never really got to do it that often with the kids...”  He pulled back to go to the cabinet and grab the teabags they’d be using.  Adding on as an afterthought, “We still don’t really.”

Harry let out a low whine, that he was kind of surprised he’d even made.  “Are you saying it doesn’t matter where we go?”

Louis turned back to him at his strained voice.  Pursing his mouth for a moment, “Do you want me to pick a place?”  Harry didn’t say anything.  The silence stretched for longer than normal.  Before Louis was moving back towards him, to wrap his fingers around his wrist and say gently, “Let me decide on our date, okay?”

Harry continued staring at him, to see if it really was okay, his throat stuck in silence.  Louis didn’t even bat an eye, awaiting Harry’s response with a distracting thumb sweeping over the bone in his wrist.

“Please.”  Harry replied.  And just because Harry couldn’t pick a place didn’t mean he couldn’t be polite.  The stress off his shoulders at the change in decision maker was tangible.  He let out a relieved breath which only seemed to make Louis’ smile grow the slightest bit bigger.

Louis continued his distracting thumb motion and Harry really, really wanted to kiss him.  They were so close and Louis’ mouth was so pretty and Harry could’ve just leaned in and gotten it over with.  There would’ve been no stress about whether they should kiss or not after their date if Harry were to kiss Louis then.

Heck, Louis had kissed his shoulder earlier that night.  That meant he must’ve been okay with the possibility.  Harry just had lean a bit further in and…

He didn’t.  He chickened out at the last moment when the teakettle went off, whistling high and effectively tearing down any of the confidence Harry had been building up.  Louis moved away to turn it off and pour them their tea.

Just the way Harry liked it.  Even though Harry didn’t like that he hadn’t kissed Louis.  They sipped at their respective drinks, letting the tea warm their insides, until they were satiated and sleepy for bed.

Harry always enjoyed that part of the night.  After he would tuck the kids’ into bed, and then it was just him and Louis and it was their turn to be tucked up into each other’s arms, pressed close. 

It was one of the many highlights of Harry’s day.  Being close with Louis felt like a gift, every single night, no matter what had happened during the day.

And it was the same that evening, Louis wrapped up in his arms that time, with Harry practically clinging to his back.  Louis had said he’d liked it that way, so Harry continued his holding, snuggling, and caressing of his chest when Harry’s hand would come to rest at his sternum.

He felt even lighter that night, the weight of their date decision no longer on his shoulders.  If it were he’d still be awake, reading his journals.  Which he would start to do now that he had them with him.  Probably on Monday after their date was over.

 

Harry wasn’t too nervous, though the tapping of his foot against the mat at the bottom of the car would’ve indicated otherwise.  He was just full of energy.  Excited, anxious energy.  Bubbles of champagne popping against his ribcage and making him feel giddy and high.

Louis was driving them to a bar nearby, and Harry was stupefied.  It really would’ve been _that_ easy to pick somewhere to go for their date. And Harry still felt plenty special just going out to eat, regardless of where it was.  Because he was doing it with Louis.

The bar was classy too.  Lighting dimmed a bit against the modern dark wood walls, chairs and tables clean and white in contrast to it.  There was only a small crowd of people already there, eating their own dinners, and Harry and Louis sat down across from one another to order their drinks.

Louis nudged Harry’s foot under the table and Harry felt like he was on cloud nine.  Especially when, right after, Louis hooked their ankles together and gave him a little secretive smile over the top of his menu.

Conversation came easily, like it always did with Louis.  They talked and they smiled and they laughed.  And it was wonderful.  Learning every little thing about Louis that he hadn’t already known before was one of the best parts of the night.  Getting to hear Louis’ voice was another.  And if Harry retold stories Louis had already heard before, he didn’t say anything and let Harry prattle on instead, with a fond smile on his face.

They ate their dinner when it arrived, sharing bites with one another, and it was everything Harry could’ve ever wanted.  Louis was leaned across the table to be closer to him and Harry’s heart was light and full.

It wasn’t until after they’d finished and their stomachs were settled that there was a bit more bustle in the building.  People up and in the middle of the floor, dancing to the music playing in the background.  Nothing too new age, rather a more classic and soft oldies feel to the songs.

Louis gave him a small smile, glancing to the side before meeting Harry’s gaze again. “You want to dance?”

Harry looked to where Louis had, quickly giving a nod and an enthusiastic smile.  Louis stood up, grabbing his hand and taking him to the floor.  There were older couples around them, but also younger ones.  All dancing to the slow music and smiling at each other, and having the times of their lives.  But all Harry could focus on was the way Louis’ eyes lit up and sparkled when Harry placed a hand on his lower back and pulled him closer, his other finding Louis’ hand to hold near their shoulders.

They swayed to the music and Louis let out a bright, sweet laugh.  Harry could feel it against his own chest, reverberate through his ribcage and he fell, just a little bit harder, in love with Louis Tomlinson.  He really hadn’t thought that was possible.

He reached their entwined hands up to tilt Louis’ chin just slightly, murmuring, “Louis…”

Louis met his gaze, tongue darting out to wet his lips.  As if knowing Harry would track the movement against the pretty redness of his mouth.  It was a beat, a thrum in the song overhead, a shift of their hips. 

Their lips pressed together.  And there were definitely angels singing somewhere in the background.  He pulled Louis closer with his hand on his waist.  Sparks shot through his mouth and into his lungs as he sucked in a sharp breath, leaving kiss after kiss against Louis too soft and too perfect lips.

Making a low humming noise when Louis’ tongue caught the edge of his lips and he curled his own around it.  It was anything but sweet; it was desperate, teeth biting and mouths begging.  Slow and dirty as their hips moved together.  The motion elicited a soft noise from Louis, that Harry wanted to take and keep hidden in his chest forever.

They pulled back to breathe, uneven, and Louis’ cheeks were flushed, and Harry’s eyes were dark.  Louis ducked his head to lay it against Harry’s chest.  Maybe that had been too much.  Harry held Louis closer, moving his arm entirely around his waist, to keep him in place.  He stroked his thumb across the back of Louis’ hand, leaning his head down to breathe Louis in.  He was so soft.  And he smelled so sweet.  Like vanilla, and love, and home, and every other cheesy thing Harry’s brain could come up.

Which was a lot.

He loved Louis and he wondered if then was the right time to tell him so.

They moved slower than the music, and it was as if they were the only ones in the room.  A soft pattering of rain all around them where they were beneath an umbrella, pressed close so the rain couldn’t get them wet.

Harry closed his eyes, leaning into Louis’ touch.  He pulled Louis’ hand up to his mouth, to leave kisses against it, and to his wrist, against his pulse thrumming there.  He ducked his head, opening his eyes again so he could leave another kiss against his temple. “I love you, Louis.”

Louis’ eyes were shut, wrinkles forming on his forehead as he clenched them shut tighter.  Harry wondered if he was trying to hold back tears.  The room suddenly soundless and his mouth falling dry as Louis let out a breathy, “I know…,” shifting to rest his forehead against Harry’s collarbones instead.  “I know you do.”  He took in quiet, even breaths and Harry continued to press kisses to his cheek and the hinge of his jaw.  Anything to take away the sadness at which he had spoken.

The rain fell harder, clouds drowning out everything else.

Louis looked up after another moment, eyes rimmed wet, but no indication tears had fallen over his cheeks.  He aligned their mouths again, lightly.  A soft breath of affection.  He pulled back with a small smile, “I think I want dessert… should we go?”

Harry nodded his head, after his brains had stopped fizzling from their kiss.

And Louis smiled again, pulling away so he could take them back to the table.  Harry wanted to kiss him again and again and again, and never stop.  He paid the bill, and while the waiter was getting their change, he did just that, leaning across the table so he could surprise Louis’ wonderful mouth with his own.

The smile Louis had on afterwards made the bit of water Harry got on his shirt from the table completely worth it.

They made their way outside, hand in hand, and they kept exchanging kisses.  Either on each other’s cheeks and jaws when they weren’t looking, or unhurried ones against one another’s mouths right after they’d finished saying something.  Louis tugged him down the street, away from their car, and Harry followed along like a man in love.  Which he was.  Very, very in love.

“Where are we going?”

Louis glanced over at him, and even in the frigid temperature outside, Harry couldn’t even feel cold.  “Well… on our first date I told you that I’d wanted dessert,” he gave him a secretive smile, before pulling him a little faster down the street, “so you took me somewhere…” 

Harry smiled at Louis’ cryptic response.  “And where was that?”

It took a moment for Harry’s brain to catch up to where they were, finally noticing their surroundings.  He glanced to the storefront they stopped in front of, the windows dark and the place empty.  “Niall’s bakery?”

Louis laughed, “Mm-hmm.  We snuck in and you made me dessert.”

Harry let out a breath, staring up at the building, which was guaranteed to be locked up for the night.  “How in the world did we manage to sneak in?”  He turned to look back at Louis, awaiting answers.

Louis was a grinning fiend.  “Okay, I use that term lightly.  You have keys and we used those…”

It took Harry a moment, before he was reaching into his pocket for his keyset.  One was for home, one was for his old car, and sure enough there was a third key that Harry hadn’t really thought about before.  He stepped up to the door, giving a low whistle when it opened up after a few jiggles.  “Well, well.”  He glanced back at Louis, “Dessert it is, Lou.”

They made their way inside, locking the door again behind them, and sneaking around in the dark.  Not wanting to turn on the overhead light and confuse people into thinking the bakery was open, or that it was being robbed.

Though perhaps turning on the light would’ve made it look less like there were suspicious people lurking around inside.  Louis grabbed Harry’s hand to take him back into the kitchen.  Since he knew the place a bit better than Harry did.  He flipped on the light switch when they got back there, the room flooding in a fluorescent white.

It took a second for Harry’s eyes to adjust.  “What dessert did I make you before?  On our first date?” 

Louis smiled, “Cinnamon sugar doughnut holes.”  Harry watched as he moved around the room, looking like he owned the place.  Very comfortable in their surroundings, the white walls and the hard floors.  It did seem quite homey with the pictures hung up on the wall, and the fact that it probably had used to be a home before it was a bakery.  Louis turned towards the counter, away from him, flipping through something, and Harry moved to his side to see what he was doing.

Louis presented him with a notecard, a recipe written on its surface.  With a small smile, “In case you needed to look back at it.”

Harry nodded his head.  He did need to look back at the recipe.  He had no idea if he even knew how to make doughnut holes.  But it made sense that Niall would’ve taught him.  Niall had mentioned before that Harry had helped him around the bakery when he’d just been starting out.

Harry leaned forward to kiss Louis’ forehead, fringe tickling his nose.  “Cinnamon sugar doughnut holes it is.”  He squeezed at Louis’ waist for a moment and Louis beamed up at him.

Before stepping back to go into what looked like a closet, pulling out two aprons for them to wear.  He helped Harry tie his on before they searched in all the cabinets and fridges for the ingredients and utensils they would need.

Louis put on music from his phone and sat up on the counter while Harry mixed together the ingredients, kicking his legs back and forth and talking about any topic that flit to his mind in that moment.  They exchanged numerous kisses while Harry worked, as if they couldn’t stop now that they had started up again.  Harry loved every single one of them.

He was elated to find that he could actually make the doughnuts too, even if he hadn’t thought he’d remember how to, muscle memory kicking in at certain points.

They had fun dropping the dough into the vat of oil and then after, dunking them into a bowl of cinnamon sugar until they were thoroughly coated.  They fed them to each other after, getting their fingertips sticky with warm sugar and dough.  Louis’ mouth tasted even sweeter and Harry made sure to use every opportunity he could to get his fill.

They didn’t get around to cleaning up until a long time after they’d started.

And when they finally had the place looking spotless and just like it had been before they came in, they left a note for Niall, and the leftover doughnuts they hadn’t finished.  So he could have a treat in the morning.

They walked around for a while after that, working off the food they’d just eaten, until their hands, noses, and ears were too pink and cold to keep going.  They drove back home and spent the rest of the night cuddling in bed and exchanging the smallest of kisses.

Harry didn’t think he’d ever stop kissing Louis enough to actually fall asleep.  But he eventually did, exhaustion quickly taking them when they least expected it.

 

It was the next day and they had already gone to pick Laura and Paxton up, after sleeping in for a little while.  Harry had missed them and wanted to see their smiling faces and give them big hugs.

He and Louis were just cleaning up after their late lunch together when Harry brushed a quick kiss to Louis’ mouth, since they were alone.  He wasn’t sure if they had been affectionate in front of the kids before, but he didn’t think they had been.  Or he assumed he would’ve found out about him and Louis a lot sooner, through Laura or Paxton asking why Louis wasn’t getting his goodnight kiss like they did.

He wasn’t sure though, and was about to ask Louis when little feet could be heard against the hardwood floor and Paxton came careening in, on his ‘slippy’ socks.  Or so he liked to call them.

Louis bent down to get on his level, when Paxton yelled “Lou” in an urgent manner.  As if he’d scurried there just to tell Louis something very important.

“What is it, Pax?”

Paxton looked up at him with wide eyes, before mumbling, “Juice.”  Harry let out a laugh, guessing, that to Paxton, that was very important.

“What do we say?”  Louis asked with his own smile, standing to go to the fridge and grab Paxton’s favorite juice and start pouring it into his Cars cup.

“Pwea,” came his response.

And Louis smiled a little more fondly, handing it to him and running a hand through his soft curls, with a pleased, “Good enough.”

Laura arrived in the room not even a moment later, to ask, “Can we fingers paint?  Maddy did with her mommy and daddy.”

Harry blinked down at her for a moment before giving a nod, “Of course, sweetheart.”  She beamed at that and her statement repeated itself in his head.  Maddy had painted with her mommy _and_ daddy.  And Harry considered the fact that if he had never crashed he would’ve proposed to Louis and they would’ve been engaged.  Which meant Laura would have had a daddy and a daddy.  Harry couldn’t believe how much he wanted that.

Louis shuffled out of the kitchen to go to the closet in the hall in search of art supplies.  Mumbling something that sounded like, “I don’t know if we have any paints...” 

Harry tried to curtail the unbelievably thrilled and overjoyed thoughts he was having of being married to Louis by setting out newspapers on the dining room table instead, so they wouldn’t be able to get the furniture dirty.

When Louis found the paints, all four of them started to smear colors onto pieces of paper, getting their hands and fingers messy.  It was delightful.  Harry was definitely having the best weekend of his entire life and he made sure to tape their pictures up to the walls when they’d finished with each.

 

After they’d washed their hands and Louis had helped get the bit of a paint on Paxton’s face and in Laura’s hair off, they watched a movie together in the TV room.  Harry lived for the family time they had together; loved being close with his babies and doing all sorts of family activities.

Harry was also always down for a cuddle.  They watched Inside Out, a movie they’d all apparently seen before, and Harry was a crying mess.  Laura had to get up from next to him to run and grab tissues for him to use.  Which was very sweet and he hugged her extra close afterwards.

Louis seemed to think it was kind of funny, telling Harry that he’d had the exact same reaction the first time they’d watched it.

Harry’s only comfort was that Louis’ eyes were also a bit damp.  Similar to how they’d been the day before when Harry had told him he’d loved him.  The reminder of which made him much less sad.

They ordered take out for dinner and it was after they’d eaten that Liam called.  He was doing well, working hard as per usual and telling Harry that he was sure he’d found another best seller. 

Harry was not surprised when Liam asked him afterwards if he had started writing again.

He was pretty sure he shocked Liam though when he replied with a mumbled, “I am actually.  I’m trying to get myself back on track…”  There had been no response to that and Harry tilted the phone closer to his ear, waiting a minute before tacking on, “I think I know where I’m going to take the story...”

He was finally met with an exhale and an excited, “That’s so great, Harry!!  I knew you’d start back up again.  Couldn’t stay jobless if you wanted to pay your bills, right?”

And right.  Liam was being, well, Liam.  Harry let out a chuckle, and a hum in response.  Before, “So I may be calling you more frequently.  If I have a question on my storyline.”

Liam seemed beyond ready for that.  Sounding much too enthusiastic for something Harry hadn’t even been sure he’d pick up again a few weeks before.

Things were finally falling into place.


	9. Chapter 9

They did end up getting the Tangled cake.  And Paxton was just as elated as Harry had thought he’d be.

Louis had even gotten Harry a Tangled balloon and had Laura help him decorate the living room and dining room with streamers.  Harry had seen them doing it, but they just shooed him away and continued with their decorating.

He was banished to Paxton’s room in the end and helped the toddler sort his toys into their prospective colors instead.  And then engage in a rousing game of matching, with the cards Paxton had gotten for Christmas.

Niall and Liam showed up not long after their first game ended and Harry was still banned from the lower level of the apartment so that his friends could finish putting up the rest of the streamers.  And make dinner, which was a beef stew that he had every year for his birthday. 

His mom was usually the one to make it, but she and Robin had orchestra tickets they’d already gotten in advance.  And she promised instead to come down that weekend to celebrate with him then.

Gemma had called too, earlier in the day with well wishes and reassurances of his present arriving by mail.  And though it had yet to do so, Harry knew he would be getting other presents that night instead. 

Since they were not so sneakily hiding in the corner of Paxton’s bedroom.  Apparently because Louis hadn’t thought Harry would find them there.

He refrained from going over to shake them around and guess what they were when Paxton left him alone in the room, lamely playing the matching card game by himself instead.

Liam joined him after he was halfway through his game.  Coming in with an exclamation of “Happy Birthday!”  He passed Harry a beer he’d snatched from the kitchen and joined him on the carpet.  “How you feeling, Haz?  Your bones creaking yet?”

Harry took a swig of the offered drink with a thanks, glad for the company.  Before snorting, “Liam you’re older than me.”

He received a groan in return, Liam lying on his back and looking up at the ceiling.  “I know.  My bones just aren’t how they used to be.”

Harry chuckled, answering Liam’s previous question, “I feel pretty good.  I can’t believe I’m so old though.”  He especially couldn’t believe it since he actually couldn’t remember the last few years of his life.  He continued on, “I mean, I have _kids_.”  It was a moment before he was letting out a small laugh, “I always thought it’d be Niall who’d be married with kids first.”

Liam made a noise of assent. “Oh I know.  But I think he’s taking a bit of a break after his last girlfriend.”

“Really?”  Harry probably should’ve known that.  He probably _had_ known that.  “Was it a bad breakup?”

Liam shrugged, sitting up to take a drink of his own and flip over onto his stomach.  “Meh, they were just together for a while and I guess she just needed to try other people out or something.”  He paused a long moment, before a smile slowly started to creep up onto his face.  “But speaking of relationship.”  He lifted his brows a few times, “What’s up with you and Lou?”

Harry thumbed at the corner of his beer’s label, watching it peel back slightly.  He gave a small smile, feeling his heart flutter.  “We’re dating again.”

Liam snorted, waving a dismissive hand, “I know that already.  I’m wondering if there are any church bells on the horizon.”

Liam’s bluntness was like dropping a hammer to the top of Harry’s head.  Disorienting him and making him lose his train of thought.  Or all of them.  He glanced towards the door as he tried to collect himself, to make sure no one was going to sneak up on them or overhear what they were saying.  “I mean, I want to…”  He felt bashful admitting it.  Even though he didn’t know why he should be.  He was pretty sure everyone who knew him knew he was in love with Louis.  He began fiddling with his label again.  “But I’m like, not sure if now’s the right time.  You know… after everything.”

Liam made a noise, smile turning into a thoughtful frown.  “That means it’s the perfect time.  Does it feel right being together?”

“Yeah of course.  Being with Louis is like… it’s like watching the sunrise on a chilly winter day.  While covered in loads of the softest blankets you own.”  Wow, he was being a sap.  He wasn’t sure he’d meant to let that simile slip out.  Even if it was true.

Liam blew out a breath, “You know, it’s a wonder anyone ever forgets you’re a writer.”

Harry turned a bashful color of pink, mumbling, “Sorry.”  Though he really wasn’t.

Liam laughed, “Don’t apologize.  You should tell Louis that.  And then give him that ring we both know you have.”

Harry made a face remembering the situation at which he’d found out about the secret Louis had been keeping from him.  Tone despondent.  “He saw it.”

There was another unflattering snort.  “Who cares.  It doesn’t need to be a surprise.  In fact, seeing how it went last time, you should make it the most casual proposal ever.”

Harry gave him a look, arching one of his brows.  “You mean, no meeting at any fancy restaurants I have to drive to?”  Harry asked, deadpan.

 “Exactly.  Louis will love the ring.  Even if he’s already seen it before.”  Liam smiled over at him, “It’ll be under way different circumstances this time anyway.”

“You make it sound like I’ve already decided to ask him.”  Liam only fixed him with a look.  He shut his mouth.  “Right.”

Laura appeared in the doorway a moment later, to bring them to the dinner table.  She made Harry close his eyes before he could come down the steps.  So the decorations, which he had already partially seen, would be a surprise.

Paxton was already in his seat at the table, Louis flitting to and from the kitchen, getting everyone’s drinks and distributing their salads.  Niall came in from the kitchen a moment later with his own “Happy Birthday” and the pot of stew between his oven mitt covered hands.

Harry thanked him, asking if they needed any more help before he was being ushered into his seat with a resolute, “No.”

 

Dinner was delicious.  Just like how his mom always made it.  Which he presumed was because she had given them the recipe.

Either way, it was filling and it was yummy and it was only after it was done that Harry was bombarded with his gifts.  He opened each as slowly as he could, to allow their stomachs time to settle so they could make room for the cake they’d be eating afterwards

There were quite a number of homemade cards, from Louis, Laura, and Paxton.  Niall and Liam giving him more comedic ones instead.

And all the gifts were perfect.  Harry felt so loved, surrounded by his kids and his friends.  And his Louis.  Harry’s birthday would not have been as good as it was if it weren’t for Louis.  Who’d set everything up and had orchestrated breakfast in bed that morning.  Laura and Paxton making him birthday pancakes to eat.

After which, he had gotten multiple kisses from Louis, while the kids went to the kitchen to try their hand at cleaning up.  His and Louis’ make out session really hadn’t lasted very long, for obvious reasons.

But Harry wondered then which would be sweeter, Louis’ kisses or his birthday cake.  His bet was on the kisses.

When he had finished opening the last gift, Louis disappeared into the kitchen to bring out Harry’s cake.  The Tangled one he’d already seen when he’d been told to pick it up from the store after getting Laura from preschool.  This time it had candles lit up on top of it.  Harry set Paxton down in his lap, letting Laura scoot her chair as close to his as she could so they could help him blow out his candles.  Louis took pictures when they began to sing Happy Birthday.

The room was dark, the flickering flames atop his cake casting everyone’s faces, expressions bright, in a magical glow.  Like the twinkling rift of an old piano.  Sweet and soft notes playing out when he and his children took a deep breath and blew across the candle lights.  To cheers of happiness.

They ate cake, talked, laughed and played Scrabble.  Laura helping to put all of their letter pieces down on the board. 

Paxton, on the other hand, played with the frying pan wielding Rapunzel and Flynn Rider that had come with the cake.

The party was fun, relaxing, and small.  And Harry was so incredibly grateful for everything he had.  Glad that he had survived his accident, even if some of his memories hadn’t, and thankful that the damage hadn’t been worse than it was.

Harry was regaining some of his memories and that was all he could’ve asked for.

 

It was much later, after the kids had been put to bed, and Liam and Niall had left that Harry and Louis were back in their bed.  The lights off.

They were beneath the sheets, not yet tangled up in each other’s arms.  Harry’s hand was at Louis’ waist, moving down slightly so he could thumb against the jut of his hipbone.

Louis smiled at him, voice soft, “Did you have a good birthday?”

Harry scooted closer to him, whispering back, “The best.”  Louis reached up to tuck a curl behind his ear and Harry leaned closer to nuzzle against his cheek, and leave a kiss at his jaw.  “Thank you.” 

Louis turned his head to kiss him back. And that must’ve been his ‘You’re welcome,’ because he didn’t say anything more.  He left their mouths pressed together for a longer time and Louis’ lips were so soft and pliant under Harry’s.  Harry allowed his fingertips to slide beneath the fabric of Louis’ shirts, to trace along the silky skin near Louis’ waistband.

Harry pulled back the slightest, to murmur, “I love you.”  So Louis would know.

Louis let out a breath, hand stroking across Harry’s jaw.  He pressed their lips together again, just for a second. “I love you too.”

Harry smiled, watching Louis blink back at him and run his fingertips across Harry’s cheek.  His eyes sparkled.  Even in the dark. 

Louis offered him a small smile in return, licking lightly over his delicate lips.  Harry leant in to lick over them himself, nip at the pink skin and keep Louis close.  Louis made a quiet sound into Harry’s mouth and Harry loved it.

He was sure he could’ve kissed Louis all night; had every intention of doing just that.

When he pulled back again, to catch his breath, he opened his eyes to see Louis again.  He was so beautiful.  And Louis returned his gaze, with the prettiest smile on his lips, crinkling up the corners of his eyes.

Harry left a kiss against his nose, murmuring, “You know… you have incredible eyes.”

That elicited a soft laugh from Louis, “Can you even see them right now?”

Harry grinned, “I see them every time I close my own.”

Louis’ nose scrunched as he shook his head.  Whispering a moment later, “You’re a sap.”

Harry sniggered and then Louis was kissing him again.  Tongue slipping past his grinning lips.  Harry brought him closer to wrap his arms around his slim waist, pulling Louis on top of him on the bed.

Louis’ hands fit themselves into Harry’s curls.  Harry’s running over his sides, beneath his shirt, bare skin warm and smooth beneath his touch.

Louis’ legs slipped between his own.  And before Harry knew it they were rutting against each other.  Need and want flickered up his spine with every roll of Louis’ hips.

And neither of them stopped.  They were on a train with no breaks in sight.  Hands roaming, lips biting and bruising, and tongues soothing in the same movement.  The angelic sounds Louis was making had the sparks in Harry’s stomach jolting and rattling through his ribcage, down to the tips of his fingers.

Hands slipped beneath pajama bottoms, gripping and sliding and lighting up stars in the room, gasps of breath in the quiet sky.

Harry didn’t think, just took it all in.  Did what felt right.  Holding Louis impossibly close, jerking up into his palm.  They continued their movements, frantic, seeking that peak that would bring them both over the edge.

Harry was so, so close.  And they were both desperate for it.  Climaxes suddenly taking over and suffocating Harry’s every thought except for Louis and home, and love, and forever.

They were back to kissing, clinging to one another in the aftermath.  Rolling back onto their sides so they could hold each other as tightly as they could, and never let go.  A frenzied exchange of words, slowing as they came down from their high, a quiet “I love you” until their breaths were the only thing left between them.

Louis’ voice broke the silence, even if it was said in a hush, in a shattered whisper, “Please, Harry. Never leave me again.”  His hands pressed into Harry’s back and he ducked his head into Harry’s chest.

But not before Harry could see the way Louis’ eyes shut on the tears collecting there.  His stomach dropped and his chest clenched, and he took in a few breaths, trying to even his heartbeat.  At the sudden turn in conversation, in emotions.  He leaned down, closer, tilting Louis’ chin up to press slower, softer kisses to Louis’ cheeks and mouth and nose.

He couldn’t make any promises to ease Louis’ mind.  Knew it wasn’t up to him what might happen in the future.  He instead, ran his hand soothingly down Louis’ back, continuing to kiss him until Louis’ breathing evened out again.

“You mean the world to me.”  Harry finally spoke, a gentle murmur against Louis’ temple.  Louis eased into the feeling, holding onto Harry’s shirt just as tightly as he had before, “And I would do _anything_ for you, Louis… but you know I can’t promise you that.”  He couldn’t promise that nothing bad would happen to either of them, that he wouldn’t get into another accident or lose his memories again.  He nudged his nose into Louis’ cheek and Louis let out another shaky exhale, hands tightening further in the back of his shirt.

“I know.  I know you can’t.  I just...”  Another shuddery inhale.  His words nothing more than a whisper, “I missed you so much…  A-and I love you so much.”  Harry kissed his cheek, waiting to hear if he had anything more to say.  He stroked his hand soothingly down Louis’ side.  Louis seemed to relax even more, ever so gradually under the movement. “I wish you hadn’t forgotten.”

Harry pressed another few kisses to Louis’ cheek, chest constricting momentarily.  “I do too.”  Louis pulled back to look up at him.  Trace his fingertips across his features.  There was still a sadness to his gaze, sweeping longingly across Harry’s face, a tilt to Louis’ lips that Harry wanted to kiss away.

He leaned forward to do just that, moving his mouth ever so gently against Louis’, tentative and soft. 

He held Louis close that night, pulling the blankets high up their chests and hooking their legs together beneath the sheets, so he’d feel protected and loved.  So he wouldn’t feel alone.

Harry would do everything in his power to make sure Louis never felt that way again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left!!! Woo


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone that has been reading this, thank you. To everyone that has bookmarked, commented, and kudosed, also thank you.
> 
> If you are interested in reading my second fic for my best friends birthday month, it will be posted on the 15th (ie her birthday!!) in five days and finish off the rest of February.
> 
> Thanks for all the support! Xx

Harry was sitting at the dining room table.  Next to Laura who was adding more decorations to her valentine’s bag.  That she’d brought home from school, already full of candy and cards from all of her classmates.  Since they all had to give each other something so no one felt left out.

She was coloring the side of it in red marker.  Asking after a moment, “Daddy, do you have a Valentine?”

He set his journal down.  One of the one’s he’d been rereading to remind him of everything that he’d missed.  He had just finished an entry from before they’d started dating about his massive crush on Louis.  And before he’d known Louis had liked him back.  “Actually, yes, I do.” He smiled down at her, though she was still focused on her artwork.  “Louis is my valentine.”

She blinked up at him momentarily, “Is that why he got flowers?”  She was referring to the vase of roses in the kitchen.  That he’d given Louis that morning after he’d picked them up from the flower shop down the street.

He smiled a little bit bigger.  “Yes, I like Louis a lot so I wanted him to be my valentine… and I got him flowers so he’d say yes.”  He paid close attention to her reaction, to see if she would realize what that meant, about liking Louis.  “And to make him smile.”

She nodded up at him, before asking, “Can he be mine?  I like Louis too.”  She turned back to continue coloring in the entire side of her bag red.

He let out a huff of laughter, “I thought Maddy was your Valentine?”

That made her pause her movements.  “Oh… well I like Maddy most so okay.  You can have Louis.”

Harry chuckled again, stroking a hand through her hair, which was down that day, bangs pushed to the side with a heart clip.  “How very kind of you.”

It took her a few moments before she was asking, “Do you love Louis, Daddy?  Miss Carter said she loved her Valentine.”

Harry let out a breath.  Momentarily wondering if he shouldn’t tell her.  But he didn’t really have any reason for why she shouldn’t know, at least not anymore.  In fact, if he was going to marry Louis, she _should_ know.  She was his daughter and he regarded her opinion very highly.  “I do love him, Laura.  Very, very much.”

He smiled and she merely nodded, still focused on her candy bag.

And that had been a lot less climactic than Harry had thought it would be.  It wasn’t that he thought he’d get a bad reaction… just more of a reaction than the one he got.  He considered that maybe Laura didn’t know what he meant when he said he loved Louis.  She told Louis and him that she loved them every night before she went to sleep.

He contemplated telling her that he wanted to marry Louis too.  To see what her reaction would be.  But then again, she’d probably be so excited that she’d tell Louis about his plan before he could.  And Harry couldn’t have that.  Even if Louis already kind of knew he’d wanted to marry him before his accident.

Harry just patted her head again, leaning down to kiss her hair before he was stealing a box of Sweethearts from her bag.

She didn’t seem to mind as much when Harry gave her permission to have a lollipop before dinner.  If he hadn’t he would’ve had a very prickly preschooler to deal with.

 

They had prime rib for dinner, with rice on the side; a special meal for the special holiday. 

And for dessert they had strawberries covered in chocolate, with cookies from Niall’s bakery, and heart shaped brownies that Louis had made.  There were lots of sweets and even though Harry knew it would be a battle to wrestle the kids into bed that night, he let them have as many as they wanted.  It was the holiday of love after all, and he loved them both very much.

And after a few laps around the living room, running their energy off, they were back to their normal selves, still a little hyped up, but otherwise okay, joining Harry and Louis on the living room floor.

 

Harry stared at Louis from his spot against the legs of the armchair, captivated, like always.  Louis was playing with Laura’s hair, braiding it back as she finished telling him about her day.  His smile was beautiful, dazzling and bright, and Harry knew nothing could possibly have been as lovely as Louis was in that moment.

Paxton pushed the car in Harry’s hand away with his own, making an explosion noise.  As they crashed into one another against the hardwood floor.

Harry continued watching Louis when he laughed, setting down his toy car when Paxton ambled over to Louis, to sit on his leg, next to Laura who was leaning back against his front.  To get his hair played with too.

Harry reached into his pocket, the weight of the box there a reminder.  He thumbed over its velvet sides, heartbeats landing softly like feathers against his chest.  A constant unnoticeable sensation.  Harry could feel it though, each thrum.  Could see it in the corners of Louis’ lips and in the blue of his eyes.

Louis’ hands were now fluffing up Paxton’s hair and Paxton seemed very pleased to have them there.  Laura was still leaned against him, running her own hands across the braids Louis had given her, chatting away without a care in the world.

It was sweet and perfect.  It was _all_ so perfect and Harry wanted to have it forever.

He had nothing planned.  Not like before.  He just had the feeling in his chest and the movement in his heart.  Spurring him forward, until he was in front of Louis, pulling out the box from his pocket.

All three of them were looking at him and Louis stopped playing with Paxton’s hair when his eyes caught on Harry’s hands.  He took in a breath, looking up to Harry’s face, as if asking Harry if he was really doing what he thought he was doing.

Harry just inhaled against his nerves and opened the box to show the ring hidden inside.  He watched Louis’ expression, knowing he had already seen it before.  “I know it might be a bit cliché… proposing on Valentine’s Day.  But I can’t wait any longer to ask you...”  Louis’ Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, a lovely pink beginning to color his cheeks.  His eyes were wide, looking from the ring up to Harry’s face and back.  Harry could tell his hands wanted to fidget, but he held them steady.  Glad no one could feel how clammy they were getting. 

He took a steadying breath, continuing, “After my accident, I had no idea who I was, or who you were…  And when I saw you with Laura and Paxton,” he looked over to both of them, who were both silent as mice and looking at the ring or up at his face, with pursed mouths and confused brows, “You were so perfect with them.  You always have been.  And I just, I know you’ll always be there for me… for us, no matter what happens.”  He licked over his lips, for a moment, pulse ricocheting through his veins, “And I want to be there for you too.  Always…  I love you, Louis, so unbelievably much.  Having a future with you is everything I could ever want.”

Paxton was reaching out for the ring, and Harry was glad it was out of his arm’s distance.  He could play with the box after Louis had said something.  Louis continued just staring at it though, for long enough that Laura was glancing up to Louis’ face to see his reaction.

Harry hadn’t meant to make him speechless.  He had probably wanted to do that the first time he was supposed to ask.  But right then he really just wanted some kind of indication that this was something Louis wanted too.

He waited only one more moment before exhaling another breath and asking, “Will you marry me, Louis?”

Louis turned his wide eyes back to him, face pinching in emotion.  Finally his mouth moved.  “Yes, oh my God, yes.”  Louis jostled the kids as he leaned forward, to grab Harry’s jaw and pull him into a kiss.

Which left Harry speechless.  And winded and so incredibly overjoyed.  His smile must’ve been blinding, Louis’ mouth getting a bit more of his teeth than his lips.  Even as he continued, breathless, “Yes, yes, yes.  I love you Harry.  So, so much.”  He said so in between their lips, emphasizing each point with another kiss.

Harry had to pull back when Laura finally made a sound, cheering and jumping up to wrap her arms around Harry and Louis.  “Daddy’s getting married!  Daddy’s getting married!!”  He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into his arms, squeezing extra tight.  Paxton looked very confused, but started to yell too, following his sister’s example.  He got up to jump on his feet as well.  And Louis grabbed him so all four of them could be squished into a hug.

Louis was laughing, eyes a little damp, and Harry was beaming so wide, pressing kisses to each of their faces.  Paxton was still shrieking, incomprehensibly, while Laura started talking excitedly, “Can I throw flowers?  Oh, no! Doris throws flowers but I want to help can we both throw flowers?”  She barely gave herself a chance to breathe, “And Pax and Ernie have the rings.  And lots of cake.  Can we have cake?”

Harry squeezed her tighter, “Yes, sweetheart, tons of cake.  All the cake!  But first,” He sat back on his haunches to take the ring out of the box, shaky hands reaching for Louis’.

They shared another smile, just as excited, just as happy, when Harry slipped the ring onto Louis’ finger, before he was leaning back in to kiss him again.  Paxton quickly took the chance to grab for the box, stepping away from their little huddle to play with it on his own.  Laura was still sitting beside them, practically bursting with energy.  Okay, maybe Harry should’ve stopped her at the third brownie.

Louis kissed him again when Harry pulled back.  And they took a moment just to stare into each other’s eyes.  Before Laura was back to hugging them, hanging off of their necks like the little monkey she was when she had too much sugar.  Harry laughed, elated. 

It was a moment before he was asking, with a bright smile, “Should we call our parents?”

Louis let out a laugh as well, nodding his head as Harry went in search of the nearest cell phone.  They took turns calling their parents, and then Liam and Niall.  All of them exceedingly ecstatic.  Harry wasn’t sure he’d ever felt more loved in his life.

He had moved to sit next to Louis, Paxton in his lap after he’d put him there, and Laura sitting beside them, very excited and being a very good listener when they spoke over the phone.

If they all didn’t go to bed for a very long while after that, Harry could just blame it on the sugar.  The sugar and the love.  He couldn’t forget the love.


End file.
